Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion off topic...do you ever wish this or is it just me

I have no problem with people saying that, for themselves, parenting is the most rewarding thing they have done. I have problems when the cliche is spoken in such a way as to suggest that people who do no have children are missing out on the potential for "the most rewarding thing ever," or when it suggests that there is something wrong with someone who is not having a rewarding parenting experience, or even that other things cannot possibly be more rewarding to themselves or others.

I have had a completely different career path than you so I have a different perspective. In my jobs and volunteer work I have helped the poor, the homeless, parents whose kids have died, women with HIV, and people with serious mental illness and their families. When I helped someone whom society has shunned, I have to say it was pretty darn rewarding. I wouldn't say that those things were necessarily more rewarding than parenting, but I did not find parenting to be markedly more rewarding than other things I have done. That's me.

Again my problem is not that people find parenting rewarding, only when that cliche is generalized to others. I never got a sense that you were overgeneralizing. And I like that you say "so far" because it leaves the door open for an even more amazing experience!

See it is all about perspectives and I am sure if I had your path I would have a different take on it all. You have truly done some noble work (I admire you)and if I had found that path I might not been so bored and numb to it all such as in the corporate world. I might be looking you up in a few years for some suggestions when I am ready to go back to work.

I have been in the workforce for 25 years and spent precisely 3 months of that working for a for-profit company and I hated every minute of it. So I completely understand what you mean--we have totally different reference points coming into parenting.

Incidentally, I do see many people coming to work in helping professions after having children. I think that having children can open up a level of empathy and nurturing and compassion that was there all along, but the children release it. So maybe that will be your path. Or maybe you will go back into the corporate world but able to see more opportunities to find rewards in that same work now that you know what to look for. I would never say that corporate work can't be rewarding because I know plenty of folks who do good wherever they go.

Sometimes I miss me. But since I was so much older when I had DD, I am just too grateful not to give up the former life. And now that she is 4, I find there are opportunities opening up, that I can be more of me. I am not gone, just hibernating.

And I look forward when she can do so many things with me. That instead of going to Rocking Horse Ranch and Disney World every year, we will travel all over the world. In fact, we are planning a trip to Mexico between Rocking Horse Ranch and Disney in April, over Feb break. Yes, it is only Club Med with a MiniClub for her, but there will be a trip to some ruins and some cultural newness. Yes, it is Cancun, but it is start.

Ren

I am so blessed in that my son's scores, which when combined together put him solidly in the 'Moderatly Gifted Catagory,' were extreame in just the right way that qualified him for Davidson's Young Scholar Program. Of course he does have a 4 standard deviation split between his highest subscores (many ceilings) and his lowest subscore (25%) - and I imagine that this is some of the reason that he was such a clingy baby, he didn't have a smooth developmental path. One of the great blessings is that I got to meet other Davidson parents and found out that 'No, it's not that I'm superficial and get board with other people after about 20 minutes at times, it that I really am quite different in my interests. I had made an early decision to channel my giftedness into 'being likeable to agemates,' as I felt that I stunk at it from 4th to 6th grade. Lucky for me, being dreadfully UNpopular during those years help me work on my 'Hello, Stranger' - since I was never going to be socially tolerated in that school building, I had nothing to lose. Later I developed a 'social mask' which did help me achieve my goal of being able to hang out with any group of kids. But I underappreciated that there is part of me that 'needs' to spend time with other people who have had similar experiences. I just took the lovely way I felt in my honor's Math class for granted. I need a variety of people with a variety of wonderful qualities in my life. I was in Gifted Denial so heavily that I had NO IDEA of this, and really cheated myself in the years after college and before DS was 'identified.' Of course, I always blamed any of my frustration on myself, never looking to see if my expectations were reasonable. Is it reasonable to spend 0% of my socializing time with Gifted Girlfriends? No. So often I think that the main thing Gifties lack is a reliable 'reference.'

During this period of time, my son was born. It was the first time in a long time that I got to spend a majority of my time with a Gifted Person. Did it matter that he was 6 weeks old? Not really. I was starved. Sometimes I worry that I created his giftedness because I needed it so much, and then I spend time with some of his agemate friends and realize, 'no' - DS and I just happen to have 'great chemistry.' I've seen enough families with more than one child, and know that this exists. [Being a GOOD parent is a very different thing than having 'great chemistry' with one's child.] Another blessing of the Davidson YSP is that I realized that as my son was getting older and more independent, that I was going to HAVE to prioritize finding a social life that met MY needs, so that I wouldn't be leaning on him longer that I should. ((BTW, thanks cyber-friends, you are definitly part of the picture; I love that I can get on here just open up my brain, without having to talk about the frozen pipes, or steer away from gossip or discuss shopping.))

One of the cool things that I've noticed with Kids and Adults at these Davidson Gatherings, is that people who call themselves 'shy,' sometimes are just 'constitutionally shy' but others are just 'shy' in the 'once bitten, twice shy' sense of the word. And when the context changes - they play, they talk, they dominate the conversation. If sitting next to a Mom whoes kids is happily playing with your child, and listening to the Mom saying: "He is so shy and stand offish at home, he never finds anyone to have fun with, it's great to see him really enjoying your son." doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then I guess you weren't shunned socially at school like I was during 4,5,and 6th grade. ((tears from just thinking about it))

So, Onsie, I'm wondering if you really ARE shy (and you sure may be) or if you have learned to 'keep your mouth shut' and nod your head to try and get by in the ND world.

The other thing to keep in mind, is that many of us Gifties have lots of OverSenstivities to noise, certian lights, sitting still, smells, itchy tags on clothing, and that many social situations (such as cocktail parties) don't make us feel like social butterfiles, because we are distracted by feeling like we are going to jump out of our skin. If you don't understand this part of yourself, then you can't use your social skills to manage situations in a way that you can be at your best. DS and I rolled our eyes during the movie 'August Rush' and the main character's parents find themselves up on the roof together during a party, and so they assume that they 'had so much in common.' My perspective is that 'of course' one will want to 'step away from the noise and heat of a party' and be alone in fresh air for a minute. But I know that people will look around at a room full of apparently happy partiers and assume that they are the only one feeling 'OverStimulated.' I know because I was able to say: 'Hey, It's really hot and loud in here, do you want to step outside for a minute and cool down?' and when the person would follow me outside to where we could talk without screaming, the first thing they would say is: 'Wow, it was so loud in here, I wanted to step out side for a minute, but felt like that would make me a loser, so glad that you suggested it.'

Of course maybe they were just being polite - LOL!

The book Outliers quotes research that suggests that to become a master at anything, one basically just spends 10,000 hours doing it. You probably spent that long with Soccer, and I probably spent that long figuring out how to hang with agemates. If it was my birthday and I could spend just one day experiencing the world through the body of a highly trained athlete, I would treasure that day. If I could lend you my 'social muscularity' for a day, I certianly would. But the truth is, that even small gains will eventually add up to the point were one can get enough experience to really enjoy oneself. It just may take a while to get over the hump, and also having small realistic goals to start with.

Smiles,
Grinity

Now that is wonderful small and reasonable goal. I'll bet that a physically awkward High School Giftie (boy or girl) might be willing to trade so 'Mother's Helper Time' for some 'phsical fitness' mentoring. I sure would have!

You may want some book reccomendations:
My favorite is http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Resources_id_12145.aspx

Even though the book is aimed at 5 - 12 year olds, read it now. With a little imagination I was able to apply a few tidbits to my own social interactions! Also, you can start using the language to point out little bits in action when watching TV and DVD's now, so that once your DD is 5, the information will be 'part of her world.'

I also found this to be a wonderful reference as to what a normal developmental path of friendship might be like, and it explained that a lot of the kids I was judgemental of and frustrated with from age 5-12 were actually normal, and that I did have different needs that the other kids. This helped me tremendously in not expecting my son's 7 year old friends to be 'sharing their deepest, most personal secrets.' Reasonable References, it's what we most lack, and need - here's one of them.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

((I know that I've typed a lot of words here, but this topic has hit home! This is it for now, I promise))

Here is the last bit of 'waking up' that I want you to do, dear Onsie:

You must stop thinking these words 'would she LET me' in your mind. I know that it is short hand for - would the trama of leaving her be worth the moments of selfhood? But you must stay in the parent role here. She is a long way off from being in charge of this situation.

So from now on, you must say, even in the privacy of her mind, 'I'm not ready emotionally, for the scene that would be required if I left her with 'someone else.'

So yes, babysteps are required here. I have a 'clangy' kid, and I know that he reads my feelings so clearly - he has a 'PhD' in ME!

So here are some ideas in how to take somebaby steps in the right direction:

First - figure out if you do trust the 'universe' enough to leave her with 'the right person.' Journal, post, talk to someone, until you are 'SURE' that this will be a growing thing for your family. If it is nescessary to your stability, than I am 'SURE' that is a growing thing for your family, but you need to be sure also.

2nd - Cultivate that one or two friends for the both of you. Being left while she is playing with a friend is totally different than being left alone with another grown up.

3rd - Are you married to DD's Dad? Sorry to be so personal, but if this is your set up, then you might have to be 'the leader' in insisting the DH (or whatever) step up to the plate and be alone with her. Sorry if this is already an 'of course' with you, but I know that for someone reading this, they feel that they can't leave a 4 year old with DH for more than 1 hour. I remember starting to go away for weekends when DS was around 5. DH needed quite a bit of 'training' by that point, and DS wasn't happy with the idea, to say the least, and there were emotional scenes. But when I returned, the two of them were 'snug as bugs in rugs.' I still go off for 3 to 4 weekends per year, so that they have focused time together. Would I prefer to have the whole house to myself and kick them out? I would! And for the last few years they take a vacation week together about once a year and I clean, clean, clean and just be in my space. Heaven!

4th - 4th best is an older lady, perhaps an empty nester, who will visit on a regular basis, eventually they can go on excursions or you can leave for short breaks. If you are involved with a religious organization, a leader there might be able to reccomend someone. Someone in the school system may know of a retired teacher. Keep your ears open! Any activity that intersts you is bound to attract someone with a little more time on their hands who you might actually like enough to take on this role.

5th - that 'mother's helper' highschool (or middle school kid) might grow into an actually babysitter over time.

Belive me, getting my hair cut was a big deal back in those days. I remember! You must be the leader, no matter how slow you go! Must, Must, Must!

One nice advantage I had with daycare, was that the teachers there could moonlight as babysitters. 'Good Chemistry' has it's ups and downs!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Grinity, thank you so much for the time you have taken to reply. I hope that what you have written are helping other parents (I am sure it is!) it is so much easier to do so on the computer than in real life. It turns out I can be quite honest about it all when I am typing...easy to sit behind a computer with cheeks blushing. Easier than right in front of you all anyways!

I should start by clarifying. I am not gifted. I am very average! I loved school, so much so that I became a teacher, with goals of spending the majority of my teaching career in a university setting. Math came easily to me, but everything came hard. Strangly enough, one of my degrees is an english degree. I have the worst english skills. At one point in highschool one of my teachers told me I was lacking in skills just as if I were ESL. Honestly I think it more about me not attending classes, and being so concerned about my social life rather than being about abilities...but I think even if I had gone to class and tried I still wouldn't have been that straight A student. After high school, I pretty much cut ties with all of my old friends. They didn't grow up. They kept living the same life we lived in high school (partying etc), and they still do today. I didn't fit in anymore. After I came home from University, I was so sad to discover that things were the exact same with them...I had hoped they had changed like I had. So, that led to my anti social behaviour (I didn't go at all anymore, and I had no friends!), and I think since I have been anti social for so long, I have just forgotten how to be social and now I am shy! Does that make some sort of sense?

I will say that i do have oversensitivites though and that has been with me always...even when I was "social", it was always an act. I was never comfortable at the parties...I would have much preferred to be at home with a couple of friends watching a movie, but it was all about being "cool". If only I could go back in time, i would have done things so differently...but that's life right!

We brought in a mother's helper to play with the kids while I was still home with them. That was a nice transition for them. They got to know the sitter and I got to train her very thoroughly. Then when I was ready to leave them with her, everyone else was ready, too. (Plus, a M's helper is cheaper than a full-on sitter!)

And I'm late to the party, but I want to echo acs's wise words: a lot of parenting is utterly unrewarding, at least to me. Wiping other people's bottoms and repeating the alphabet over (and over, and over, and over...) was NOT rewarding to me! I got a big laugh out of the blood blister, too, acs. Perfect timing to make your point! That stuff just doesn't fulfill me as a person, and it never will. It's necessary work, so I did it and still do it as it comes my way. But it is not fun, rewarding, interesting, or stimulating. It made my brain go numb, frankly. I needed more.

The trick is to *find more* when you get to that point. Losing yourself in that mess of bodily fluids and boring routine isn't healthy. Find something that interests you. Embrace it.

I went to Iceland alone to research my book. My WONDERFUL husband and my parents kept the kids while I was gone. That's an extreme example, but it makes my point, I hope, that sometimes you just need MORE, and that's okay. Find a way to get it.

What do you love? What do you miss? What do you need?

Now go get that! Maybe in small doses. But get that!

I was at a girl's night out with the moms from our playgroup a few years ago, before I started writing. We played some silly board game that asked questions that we all had to answer. The one I most remember is "Are you where you thought you would be?" Everyone else said, yes, they were just where they thought they would be at that point in their lives: perfectly happy and fulfilled, loving parenthood and getting all they needed from it. I alone said, "No, I thought I would have both a career and parenthood, and I'm missing that second part. I love what I have, but it isn't enough for me." They all looked at me as if I had two heads.

I don't know if they were lying to themselves or repeating the cliches they thought they're supposed to say, or if I really was just that odd. But no one even seemed to understand. How could I not be perfectly content to be a mom and nothing more? But I really find it hard to believe that scrubbing toilets and picking up dirty undies is what gave these college-educated women all they needed in life.

And to add the necessary caveat, I dearly love my kids. Heck, I'm homeschooling one of them! How much more can I do, you know? But I don't believe that we should sacrifice who we are at the altar of our children. That is not what I want to teach my children about me, about women in general. We need to have lives that are separate from our kids. I really believe that.

Stepping down... So who is next on the soapbox? LOL!

Grinity you are right...

It is more about me than her. I am not ready to leave her with anyone. I can and do leave her with dh (yes, he is her dad too), and that has gotten SO much better in the last month or so. He is a teacher as well, so he was off for a few weeks at Christmas, and he and dd spent so much time together. Sometimes he gets up with her on the weekends and I get to sleep for a couple of extra hours!! She used to cry for me and not let me sleep...lately this hasn't been the case. I haven't tried leaving the house for awhile, while he watches her, but I don't think this would be a huge problem anymore. So this is big for me! It doesn't provide a lot of opportunity during the week because he gets home late and she goes to bed early, but on weekends i should be bale to sneak out once in a while.

But, back to what I started saying...i am not comfortable leaving her. I knwo that is so wrong. She is 2 years (and almost 3 months) old. She isn't a helpless baby anymore, but I am just not comfortable leaving her with a babysitter. I trust my husband with her and my mom, to some extent, with her. Like you said though, it would be MUCH easier to leave her with a friend while she was happily playing. So that is obviously something that I should be working on. I think that finding a mom I trust with a child that dd gets along with is my best bet. I just don't know where I would meet anyone else. I will try to make a friend or two for myself, but I haven't figured out where or how yet...other than a mom from a mom and baby class. So that's what I will start with. If I new a responsible teenager, or an elderly lady I would be open to haveing them over while I was home. They could play with dd while I clean, cook, shower...do something fun. Maybe gradually I would trust them more and more and dd would as well. Then after some time, I could leave the house while they babysat. I just don't know any teenagers or elderly. Our neighborhood is surprisingly snobby and people just keep to themselves. But it is something I am open to, so I will keep my eyes and ears open.

Thank you for pointing out that I must be the leader and that I am the parent. I know this, but it is so easy to fall into the role of follower with dd. This is a reminder I need to give myself daily...I am the leader!

Thank you again. I will reread your posts a few times I am sure. I am sending you a big cyber hug because I really do appreciate you! thanks!