Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion off topic...do you ever wish this or is it just me

thank you Kriston and acs as well. I know what you are saying and it is so nice to hear you verbalizing my exact thoughts! It is rewarding in ways, but it is mind numbing...oh my gosh it is mind numbing. I figure as dd gets older it will get better. Our conversations will be more interesting as she gets older, our activies will vary daily, and like I mentioned before she will be in school so i will hopefully get a break (yes I am still holding on to this hope!). My battery is going to die on my computer and the cord is broken so I will this post here. I will power up dh's computer later and probably type more.

Thank you all though!

Yeah, I thought school would give me a much-needed break...and now I'm homeschooling. Things don't always work out the way you expect...

I think Grinity is right that you need to find a way to take a break for yourself sooner rather than waiting for later. Get over the idea that you are the only one who can take care of your child. Frankly, it's not true, and you're not doing yourself any favors there. (Tough love there, but important for you to hear, I'm afraid. And it really is said out of honest care for your well-being!)

Find a responsible 12 or 13yo and have her come over afterschool while you're in the house. Use that time to read or write or take a long bath or think or whatever you don't have time to do. You're still in the house, so you know your daughter is safe. Teach the mother's helper how you do things so that she can be a great sitter when you want one. When that sitter gets old enough that she's hard to get when you need her, start training another 12 or 13yo.

It's a system that has worked smashingly for us. DH and I go on dates every single week and have since our kids were small, and we know that our kids are perfectly safe because I have trained the sitters extremely well. We can even take overnights for special occasions like anniversaries without worrying. Heaven! With no family in town for us, it's really been the only solution for us, and it has been a good one.

We're on our 4th sitter now, and all 4 of them love our kids like family. The older ones who are off at college come back to visit often because they like us all so much and know that we like them. They choose to spend time with us just for fun when they don't have to. It's really the way to do it. You need a support system.

Get some time for you. It's important!

I completely agree with the folks who are telling you to get breaks. It is the direction of sanity for yourself. I also think it teaches your child to have confidence in herself and the world of which she is a part. When she goes off to school, she will have to trust adults other than you and you will have to trust those same adults. I would suggest that you can start preparing yourself in baby steps toward that now.

From the beginning, I wanted DS to know that the world is a good place and is filled with people who loved him and could take care of him. Of course, he would have a special bond with me, but I also wanted him to experience deeply the ways in which others loved and nurtured him. I did not want him to grow up afraid. I wanted him to be confident of himself and others (As he got older and able to hang out with people I hadn't chosen for him, we have taught him not to trust everyone, of course.)

Now that he is a teen, I see him wanting to stretch his wings more. Because I have several lives other than parenting him, I find that we both do better with letting go of each other as he does that. Of course we still fight etc. But he does not worry about how I will do without him and I know that I have taught him good skills that will serve him well. If my primary identity was as his mother, I think that this process would be harder.

I think, in the end, that making small steps toward independence for both of you will help you both out in the long run.

Ok Onsie,
Well Done!

Advice about 'how to find someone'

1) Remember that it isn't as difficult as it seems because once you find one, then they tend to know others.
2) Make a list of all the organizations you belong to: Local Museam, Religious Group, La Leche Leauge - whatever.
3) Contact someone at each group and ask for what you need.
4) Make a list of possible organizations that you don't belong to - hospital, pediatrictions office, local school, library, and
5) contact someone at each group and ask for what you need.
6) repeat as needed. If word of mouth doesn't work - a small ad in the local newspaper might.
7) If there is a local newspaper, read it and contact the people in the paper who seem interesting. Ditto for local High School newsletter or cable TV show.

remember that with each step you take, you are a bit closer to success. Actually, I'd start with the Children's Librarian at the closest library. She'll know who the big readers with nice parents are.

I guess that there are books written on social networking. I'm thinking people here might have more ideas. If all else fails, volunteer to help coach a middle school girl's soccer team, and bring DD with you to the practices. You'll get to hand pick the 12 and 13 year olds. They are the best!

Smiles,
Grinity

Grinity: great list and I love the idea of coaching for oneisenough. And Kriston I love that you came out and said what most of us were thinking but just did not have the balls to type it.

I only wanted to add a train of thought to acs post. Oneisenough,

You were a teacher at one point and think about it from that angle. Parents trusted you with their children and as a society this is an accepted practice that we have to look outside ourselves and trust people with our children. If you were worthy of that trust isn't there someone you can give a chance to trust with your child? She is old enough to take steps away from you and that doesn't mean that your bond with her will be broken. You are just taking the necessary steps we all have to do: letting her spread her wings. It is a very important part of mothering and just as important as the first stage. I know it is hard for a lot of people but essential for you and her. So no more excuses. I believe in pulling the bandaid off quickly. Take Grinity's list and run with it. Make a goal to call at least two places on the list tomorrow and open the door to the conversation. You will find that the more places you contact the more you will be at ease and the more you will be closer to the goal.

Oh also to add to Grinity's list, if your community has a newletter or an email group those are great ways to advertise. Our community is always emailing out about preteen and teenagers looking for babysitting jobs. Also if you have a community mailbox check for postings there are post one yourself.

Homeschool groups can be a great place to find sitters, too. Their hours tend to be more flexible than your average teen or pre-teen.

Thank you for all of the wonderful ideas. I now know that this is something that I HAVE to work on, just as much for dd as for myself. I relly do like the idea of a mothers helper, and Grinity gave me a great list of where to look for someone. I also like the suggestion of a homeschool group because of the flexable hours (if I were to go with a 12-13 year old). I am not sure how the $$ part of it will go over with dh, but I will talk to him.

Anyhow, I don't know what else to say. You have all given so much time typing your replies and I really thank you for that. So now I think it is just up to me to take some first steps.

Thank you

Again, I resemble you.

Except I literally didn't make it out of the house to my mothers and newborns group/class until DD was 3 MONTHS old. She refused to go into a carseat and basically refused to let me do anything but hold her, nurse her, and bounce her endlessly on an exercise ball. I had to bounce her on the exercise ball in the mothers class, too. I looked ridiculous but I was too desperate to care by that point.

That's about the point I started lurking on this site. Things were different - harder - right from the very beginning. I found threads from other mothers describing the exact same things I was experiencing, like having to hold the newborn upright to see the world so learning could commence immediately.

We have high maintenance children.

We lack a readily available supply of equally exhausted peers.

Hi,

I've been watching this post with interest, since it seems to describe my relationship with my DS4 to a T. My DS4 was a terribly high needs baby who thoroughly crushed any vague notions we might have had about having more than one child, and I am a mother who does not especially like babies. I spent the first couple of years wishing I could fast forward to the part where we'd be able to have conversations, tell each other jokes and draw pictures together, and he'd occasionally go off on his own to read or play by himself for a while. We're finally getting there, and I am enjoying my son more than ever, but I have to say, he's only slightly less demanding at age 4 than he was as a baby. Instead of crying for me to hold him, my son now follows me around the house (so close I literally trip on him sometimes) whining "Mama, when are you going to PLAY with me" if I dare do anything as selfish as try to clean or make dinner. To make matters worse, as he gets older, the lack of siblings is becoming more of a problem. Even with nearly constant interaction at home (my husband and I basically take turns playing with him when we're not working), preschool 4 times a week, gym night and playdates in between, he tells us he's "lonely and bored." I get no exercise, have no real friends outside of email, and still (after 4 long years!) feel like I'm waiting for that day when I'll have more freedom (maybe once he reads chapter books??!). I still can't even figure out how people find time to post on this site as often as they do--DS4 is "waiting" for me right now.

Anyway, I'm realizing, my HG son is never going to "give" me more time or "let" me have more time, and that if I want time for myself, I'm going to have to "take" it. My mother always felt like she gave far more than she received while my siblings and I were growing up, and she was very bitter and resentful as a result, which wasn't good for anyone. I don't want to be like that.

He calls . . .

Ms. Friz,

When we decided that DS would be an only child (and we did that when he was 4!) we started reading about only children to make sure we avoided the common mistakes.

One of the books we read (You and Your Only Child)made an important point, one that we have taken to heart. That is that parents of only children often feel responsibility to be their child's playmate and best friend. We feel like, since we didn't have sibling for our kids, that we should fill that role. But that is not our job. We are the parents. We do have a couple responsibilities--finding other people (kids and adults) who our children can spend time with and teaching our children to entertain themselves.

Two wonderful attributes (I think) that are seen in only children are an ability to make very close, very fulfilling friendships and the ability to be satisfied with one's own company and not "need" to restlessly fill up every moment with other people. When you volunteer to be your son's playmate, you reduce the chances that he will learn these skills.

This obviously doesn't mean you shouldn't play with him. But we found that by setting limits on our time with him we created the need for him to find other things to do and other kids to play with. He is now 13 and is always inviting other kids over, playing with the neighbors, reading, and playing fun games he thinks of on his own.

And he is happy. And I have plenty of time to myself. And we are still very close (even though he won't admit that in public).