Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion off topic...do you ever wish this or is it just me

I love my son,and, more importantly, I like my son. If I didn't, it's hard to tell what would have become of us. Because...

...I hated being pregnant and I mostly hate all the things that come with being a mom, except the actual child. I hate cleaning stuff, especially other people's body parts. I hate putting things away. I hate making other people put things away. I hate being awakened in the night. I hate not being able to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I hate not sleeping in. I hate being interupted. I hate pretending that I care when a child goes on and on about something I don't care about. I hate carrying diaper bags. I hate hate hate dealing with car seats (especially in a strange car). I hate vomit. I hate having to remember when to give other people medicine. I hate getting to daycare and then realizing that my kid is too sick and then having to turn around and go home. I hate how other people look at me when they don't like how my child is behaving. I hate worrying that I am messing him up. I hate temper tantrums and time outs gone bad. I hate how much he "makes" me lose my temper.

And despite all this, my son has turned out OK (well, great actually). Go figure!

Feel better ?

Oh, so you see 'school' as the 'knight on a white horse coming over the hill to save you,' do you?
If you can find a school were she can spend significant amounts of time with mind-peers, then yes, but if you just 'send her' then chances are very low that things will get better. You have to set up the playdates NOW, make the friends NOW, start setting the timer for housework/playtime NOW. (Check out Flylady.net for tips on streaming housecleaning and Housefairy.org to help the little one get on board with 'care of the environment.')

BTW - you can encourage her to develop that imaginary friend by telling her about yours or that you heard another little girl had one, and what would that be like, playing 'let's pretend we have an imaginary friend.' I'm imagining trying this with my DS, and him looking at me like I'm C-R-A-Z-Y, but he's a very 'ground-ed in reality kind of guy.'

You have to find that other trusted adult that can spend time with her while you rest up. Do not expect going to school to solve your problems. Journal about what bugs you the most and start taking steps NOW. Even if the steps don't work. My Clingy baby just 'clang' tighter after spending all day being 'good' in a 'poor fit' environment.

Sorry about the cyber-faceslap, but I don't want you to coast and hope. I want you to plan and try. I will be here for you when you need to cry about how it isn't working and isn't enough and isn't fast enough. Mothering is slow, hard, work for some of us.

Now to press 'Send' and tremble that I didn't get this wrong...

Love and More Love,
Grinity

acs - so funny!

grinity - you've got it right, as far as i'm concerned. I had the same dream, oneisenough, of things magically getting better when school started. These little ones can suck the life out of you sometimes, can't they? That dream bubble burst when we found out DS was HG+ and we learned we would not be able to simply drop him off and pick him up. So, we spend a lot of time now planning for a decent school experience.

I agree with Grinity - start planning playdates now! As they get a bit older, kids will actually play together. Also, start planning regular time away with an adult friend or two.

And things are better - the tantrums are very rare, DS5's sense of humor is delightful, and the books we read together are so very much more interesting! (CS Lewis really was a fabulous writer, wasn't he?) And a lovely thing recently happened. DS5 started asking Daddy to bring him to bed a few months ago. So after 4.5 years of me doing the whole bedtime routine, now DH gets a turn!

Thank you all for the thoughtful posts.

acs: Yes, reading that did make me feel better! lol After reading that, it made me want to brainstorm everything I do like about being a mom...there is really a lot! I am glad to raed that other people feel the same way I do.

Grinity: I must admit, I read your post a few times and although I didn't quite feel a cyber-faceslap, it definitely made me think. I read all of the posts about how hard and tressful the school years are for a lot of parents on this forum, but I still have hope that it won't be like that for dd. I know I live in a bubble (dh constantly tells me this!), but I just think it will be ok for dd. First off, I know she is a smart cookie, but I don't think she is anywhere near the level of most of the kids talked about here. Her verbal skills are excellent, and she has other skills that shine too, but think she could enjoy school in a fairly regular program (ie without acceleration etc). I don't know. Even in a different program, she can still be very happy, thus giving me my stress-free break right?! I guess what it comes down to, is that I don't really see her schooling being very different from the average kid...and when I look at the parents of the average kid, they are enjoying the time their kids are in school. Ok, I know this is not making a lot of sense. I am having a hard time explaining what I mean.

Anyhow, I agree that having some things change now would, no doubt, be very helpful. I guess I just don't know where to start. Dd and I have participated in a lot of mom and tot programs...kindergym, art class, dance class, play groups. I suppose it is up to me to make the friends for my dd and then arrange playdates. I have one friend with a child and her baby is just 1 years old. Dd can not stand her. She cries the second they pull in to our driveway and then continues to cry for 20 minutes after they have arrived. I have no idea what is going on there as dd is not the generally the temper tantrum type. She just doesn't like the baby. Soooooo, other than that, there is her cousin (they are good friends) and that is it. So I need to try to meet some people that have kids that i think dd would get along with. I am shy (and a bit anti social!), so this is a big challenge for me, but I will work on it. I really hope that she makes some friends at preschool, but i have a feeling that the whole preschool thing is not going to fly this year...we shall see though.

wow, I am rambling and really going where with all of this!

I know from my posts it sound like I am complaning about everything, and that I can't stand parenthood. That is not at all the case. I have so much to be thankful for and although dd is definitely demanding, she is wonderful. I think there are just some major parts of my life that have changed and are pretty much stuck this way for a long time (if not for ever)...and sometimes that is hard to swallow and it gets to me, especially when i am tired! but life is good regardless.

Thank you all again! I am so lucky to have found this forum and I love reading all of your posts.

P.S. Grinity, thank you for the links, I will definitely check them out! And no need to tremble at all...I value your input a lot and really appreciate you...I'm sure you got it right! Thank you

To secure my status as official board grump, let me add that I also hate playdates, at least the kind where I have to stay and socialize with other parents. You saw the list of things I hate about parenting. I found that hanging out with other mothers just meant I had to sit around and talk about all the things I hated. So, until I could just drop a kid off at someone else's house, I tended to dread the play dates more than just hanging out at home.

Don't get me wrong, I have many many friends, but I met virutally none of them through parenting. I met them at college or through work or hobbies, etc.

What worked much better for me was finding something meaningful and completely different than parenting that I could do. (I was never into the spa thing, for me learning is the best recreation I could find) For me that meant hiring someone to teach me a foreign language. Sometimes DH would come home early to hang with DS during my lesson; sometimes I could plunk him in front of the TV. But you could also hire a high school student to spend time with your child while you pursue something that you love. You can be available if there is a problem.

I think DS gets a huge benefit from seeing me learn something new. I am always taking classes, studying, volunteering in addition to my career. I think it is excellent role modeling for him. he sees me demonstrating that learning is fun!

I thought I was the only one that can not stand the playdate and being anti-social myself find it hard to suggest such a thing. We have my one friend that I was friends with through school who has a child 2 months younger than mine, but even then it is like pulling teeth to do the play thing. We talk on the phone all the time but actually taking the time to get together and let the kids play ... I think it is easier to sign a bill into law! Also even with her when we are together with the kids the conversations become mediocre and not our usual in depth ones on the phone. Here is the sad/funny thing. DD has a girl in her dance class that will probably be in the same class with her in Kinder. because they live in the same neighborhood and I still can not bring myself to do the play date thing.

And ACS I love your honesty about the hates of motherhood. I am literally checking off your list with yep me too. I do have to admit that pregnancy was not bad for me. I loved it. My only problem was since I had had hip dysplasia as a baby when I was in my third trimester my hips became dislocated so every time I stood up or went upstairs it was painful. Other than that it was a great pregnancy but the delivery not the best.

I so love that my child is pretty independent and so encourage it because if she was clingy I would be up the creek without a paddle. I thank the heavens for that!

I am nothing if not honest!

I get tired of the hollow reverence our culture has of mothers. As long as we say what a special privilige it is to parent and what an honor it is to be a mother and we aren't honest about the many sacrifices we make and the very hard work we do, the culture is unlikely to take our work seriously. Yes being a mother is important work. It is also hard work. Raising children well is essential for the continuation of our country. As such, it deserves the support of the community and the country and the government etc. If we just say it's a special gift and we are honored to do it, we will likely not get the support we need.

I have worked 3 days a week since DS was born. I have a emotionally and intellectually challenging job that I get paid pretty well for and I am proud of the work I do. But honestly, I think parenting is harder and the society does not give me nearly as much support for it as it does for my paid job. KWIM?

Stepping down from the soap box now.

Oops, I have to get back up on the soapbox for a second.

If we are not honest about how much hard work parenting is, we create a culture of motherhood that does not support those mothers who feel tired and overwhelmed. I have seen many mothers who needed help but were afraid to ask for it because they were afraid that there was something wrong with them for not "loving every moment" of the parenting experience.

Being honest does not mean we do not love our children. In fact, that I was able to do all the things I hate for my son, I think, proves how much I do love him.

Stepping back down again.

Exactly!

My son still asks me sometimes if I "really" like him because his sister told him I seem to get stressed out and cranky a lot more now than I did when she was young. I was a single parent from the time she was two until age 12. I thought single parenthood and working full time and going to school part time was hard but I felt I had more support then and I definitely got more sleep, so I could handle it.

I told my son I was less cranky then because his sister let me sleep. I also told him that his sister and I are normal people and we need our eight hours of quality sleep and if we don't get it we do tend to get cranky, especially after weeks or in my case years of not enough sleep. He saw this for himself when his sister stayed with us for a few days. He didn't let her sleep either and she was worn out after only two days. She understands now why I seem tired, but most people don't. I don't think my husband understands. He, his adult son and our son just don't need much sleep and they make me feel like something is wrong with me for needing sleep, after all I am not working outside the home, and I am only homeschooling one child. How hard could that be?

Not only does my son not need much sleep, he has a fear of the dark and can't fall asleep by himself. I have to read to him or lie down on the bed until he falls asleep and then I go in the other bedroom. He wakes up after anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours and then can't go back to sleep. Since I worry that he will wake up my husband I go back in to my son's room to try to get him to sleep again. He usually tells me that he heard something outside or he had a bad dream or something and has to talk about it. Then I am wide awake and I start worrying about things and I can't fall asleep right away.

I miss feeling well rested. That is absolutely what I miss the most. I do miss living in the city sometimes and having friends that I had something in common with but that seems like it was another life. When I worked full time and felt tired I could call in sick. Can't do that now. I can't say anything to my dad about it because his situation is even worse. He can't even take cold medicine for fear that my mother will get up and wander out of the house or fall and hurt herself or who knows what. Luckily he never needed much sleep either.

At least I know there are people on this message board that understand and it helps.