Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What to do if child is happy?

THere was a post in another forum which brought this up for me but I can't recall which one. Anyhow, I had DS5's PT K conference last night. Basically, he is similar to his brother and has met all the K goals. So his focus is organization and writing. So rather than give him harder books to read, he will be writing more about the very easy books he's reading during reading group. I liked the work she showed ie his drawing where he has added captions etc. She seems to do fun activities although I still think too many coloring sheets come home. Anyhow, I'm HSing his 3rd grade brother so DS5 has taken a bit of a backseat. He's happy to go to school and enjoys the social scene. He has already questioned what the purpose of going to school is since he doesn't learn anything that he doesn't already know. I asked him how this makes him feel and he said "uncomfortable." But the last few weeks w/ reading groups and writing his own stories he's happier. So my current thoughts are to let things go until which time DS becomes vocal about the situation since he is happy. Teacher already gave the "we don't give 1st grade work in K so that they can do 1st grade work in 1st grade speech" so I don't think I'd really get anywhere. DS5 hasn't been tested and there is no convenient place to have it done. I'd like to wait another year and a half for testing for the WISCIV/WJIII combo. He has a summer birthday.

Yet, my DS8 learned in K that school is not a place to learn. He did have a much better 1st grade year and an ok 2nd grade year but he still didn't view school as a place to learn so I pulled him out this year for HSing. It's been a full quarter and his brain is FINALLY kicking in after years of being underchallenged. His attention span actually got SHORTER so I've been steadily trying to increase the length of time he is able to focus on something. He still complains the work I give him at home is too easy but that's a whole other post!

So, given all the different children, and different schools, and different circumstances, what do you do if child is happy? Since it's K, I'm willing to let it slide this year but perhaps not next year b/c I want him to learn work ethic which comes from being challenged.

I agree, G3. Happy and engaged is fine. Happy and disengaged, I'd be having long talks at school and doing a good bit of afterschooling at the very least. Unhappy and disengaged, and I think it's time to pull out the big guns.

My favorite saying has always been "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I say happy is a great place to be. Ditto what others said.

Another favorite saying of mine is "the only constant is change." So enjoy the happy while you can!

Yes I agree, I just don't know when happy isn't enough. DS8 was very unhappy and upon looking back, I left him in a very bad situation for too long (3yrs). Since DS5 is happy, I'm ok with leaving it as it is but I know from DS8, ASing time was getting shorter with each passing year as there was more homework and he'd take forever to get it done. Hopefully, DS5 won't be the same. Currently, I'm doing science w/ both boys when DS5 gets home. Unfortunately, it's full day K so by the time he gets home, and needing 12hrs/night of sleep, it doesn't leave much time as I think the boys need free play time in the evenings. So I'm currently doing science and math with him. I try to get him to read to me a couple of times each week and I'm trying to increase the amt of reading to him that I do but the 22mth old makes it hard. There is really not much to be done since there is a no acceleration policy in our district. Having him in school puts a kink in our day b/c I can't take DS8, he's homeschooled, on field trips b/c I have to be home for the bus.

I'm just thinking ahead when DS5 is moves on to the next school in 2nd grade as there is a very good 1st grade teacher he will probably get. DS5 is such an easy kid. He seldom complains about anything and pretty much accepts a situation for what it is. So he'd probably accept any situation if I told him he had to do it but at what point do I question, why he's there if he's not learning anything and I'm spending all evening ASing him or is happiness enough?

I understand your concern. Frankly, I worry a lot more about the easygoing, people-pleaser kid than I do about the one who tells you something is wrong or the one who gets in trouble when bored. There can be a lot of suffering going on under the surface. I was actually very relieved when DS7 voiced his concerns about school and even when he acted out. I worried that he would just bear it with a smile no matter how bad it was for him, so his acting out was preferable to me.

I don't think happiness is enough if your child is not learning anything (except that he can coast through life...). I know others will disagree, but I think school is supposed to be about education. If all he's learning are bad habits, then I think you have to change something.

Does the social stuff matter? Yes, but there's social stuff when you homeschool, too, so I don't think that's as big a factor as people make it out to be unless you would have no access to group activities with other kids. I know VERY few families in this situation. Even if there's no homeschooling group available, there's Scouting, religious groups, art and music classes or ensembles, etc.

Is there a reason you want to keep DS5 in school? I mean, if it would be more convenient for you to homeschool them both, if DS5 is expressing concern about how little he's learning at school, and if your gut is telling you to do something (as it seems to be doing), then why not pull him out, too?

I say this as someone who is currently expecting to have one child in public school and another who is homeschooled, so I'm not opposed to that arrangement in any way. But I feel like you're asking for permission to pull your DS5 out. I think you have it!

I agree. If it was a half day K then it wouldn't bother me but going a full day without learning anything or very little is not what school is supposed to be about.

I asked him tonight how he feels about school now. He said he feels better about it b/c he is learning a few new things. He enjoys reading group even though the books are very easy. Teacher said his focus is writing about what he's reading since he's way ahead in math and reading already. He likes writing so he is fine with that. He came home half-day today and it would be so nice b/c then I could do history and science w/ both boys and have plenty of time for read-alouds, math, and reading. Sigh....

But he is my easy going kid...always has been...never a tantrum in his life .... I just don't want to do a disservice to him b/c of his easy going nature, KWIM? I tend to focus more on DS8 ie asking him what he wants for dinner b/c I know DS5 will eat most things and if not, he'll settle for something quick in the fridge w/out fuss. I'm trying to keep his needs in the forefront in spite of his easy-go-lucky nature. I don't want him to sail through, not learn to work through challenges. But given that he is happier now, I can table these thoughts until a future date and work on DS8's issue, many which were created from being under-challenged. 8-(

I don't know if he's happy... then maybe it's right to let him be. Also Kindergarten is fun. They do a lot of fun stuff. My son loved it, he went and played all day! And kids learn stuff from play. It's import for them to develop creativity. I know that sounds loopy. But there have been of hoopla on the importance of play on creative people. Also reduces stress. So maybe it's not such a bad thing if he is not complaining.

If your son's level of contentment isn't a good barometer for you, given his easy going nature and such, then maybe you need to be looking at the situation instead. Since he *is* content and says he likes it there now, maybe you should take a look at it from the other side. Is the setting good for him or, at the very least, not detrimental to him? Carolyn "Hoagie" is an advocate for finding the "least-worst option" when it comes to education for GT kids. The reality is that there is very rarely the perfect fit. Perhaps some homeschoolers find that fit but anyone who has to deal with the school system just won't. For that matter, even some homeschoolers might admit that their situation isn't perfect (not enough social stuff, parent had to quit a career, etc).

Ask yourself some questions about the teacher and the classroom. Does the teacher seem to understand his needs? Is she making efforts to move him forward? Is there enough time in the day where he is engaged in an activity where he is learning something - even life or social skills like group work or leadership skills or time management skills? Then ask about friends: does he connect with the kids? Does he like to play with them, does he talk about them, does he get along with them? Then ask yourself what negatives you see: is he learning to be lazy? Is he getting a big head being a big fish in a little pond? Is he having any emotional reactions that leak out at home?

Again, I'd say that you are smart to keep an eye on things and be prepared, but don't look for problems if there aren't any! A mom of a 17 year old DYS recently told me to take it one year at a time. She gave me some good advice about not stressing about all the decisions and realizing that you do the best you can with what you have right now and that your child will be okay. I always knew this but needed the reminder She told me how she discovered her son's learning continues no matter where he is. She also discovered, through many changes in schools and settings, that no educational setting is perfect for these kids. Her bottom line advice was to make sure my son feels good about himself and has the tools he needs to be a successful, productive and confident adult.

Your son is 5. There are many developmentally appropriate things to be learned in K in addition to educational learning. You are likely going to have to do a skip somewhere down the road. Saying that things are all right for right now doesn't mean they always will be. That's okay. You'll face those dragons when you meet them. Reading what you've posted here I'd say keep doing what you are doing. Unless you can arrange for partial home schooling and have the afternoon at home with both boys (my state allows that). Remember that the boys are each unique individuals - don't expect or set up one to follow the other's footsteps. I understand the worry you have based on your DS8's response/experience. But I think your younger son is going to be just fine!

Good job, mom! They're lucky to have you looking out for them.

OH doodlebug, I so wish for part-time HSing but it's not allowed here. I really, honestly think he's OK. He has friends, he comes home happy, he leaves in the AM happy. I was more than a bit concerned by the truck loads of coloring sheets that come home. I was hoping for more K stuff lol rather than coloring sheet after coloring sheet after coloring sheet. I do believe in developmentally appropriate K - memorizing poems, doing skits, making costumes, playdoh etc but there seemed to be little of that. I personally prefer little academics in K b/c they are not going to meet him where he is anyhow so I prefer to do that at home and leave the play to school.


But after his PT conference, I think the coloring sheets are only those and there aren't a bunch more in the classroom. Teacher had made a comment he needs to keep practicing coloring at home but if she looked at his sheets, at the start of the year, they were very neat. As he does more of them (color 6 shapes, color all the triangles, color the rhyming words), he gets sloppier. His current teacher does get him for the most part although she doesn't know the full extent of his math abilities but that's OK. Rather than move forward in math and reading, she will focus on his writing which is already above-level (I suppose that's OK to accelerate over reading/math). My friend's HG+ son is having a tough time b/c his writing is writing, his reading instruction is writing, his math instruction is writing - not allowed to move forward - he hates writing. But my DS enjoys writing so this method of not moving forward in math/reading by working on writing is OK for him.

He didn't fit in well socially his last year of preK but fortunately, K has been different.

I knew I couldn't HS him and DS8 at the same time. I need to get DS8 in a better place, into good habits. DS5 mentioned a few weeks ago when he was getting more vocal about being unhappy, that sometimes he wants to HS and sometimes he doesn't. I know he really likes his friends. But as I mentioned, last night he said he's happier plus all the holiday hoopla is starting and that's a good time in K!

anyhow, thanks everyone for helping me think through this!