Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Competitiveness and Intensity

Sounds like a couple of things at least are going on: You are not taking enough time for yourself, already mentioned by a couple of good folks on this thread. I know babysitting costs, however, and if you're a single parent sometimes heaps of money aren't just lying under every pillow...maybe a good friend would be willing to pinch hit for a couple hours a week for a few months until you get over this bump in the road.

Also it sounds like if he does not get what he wants he may throw a tantrum and you might be a bit shy about these in public. I am thinking about the shoving into line scene you described - is there something besides having a huge scene which stopped you from correcting him? Maybe you did correct him and you just didn't mention it in your post.

I have had this feeling: if I correct my child they will throw a fit and then the whole thing will just snowball and we'll have to leave, screaming, tears, having to....physically haul your child out of a building, it's all very embarrassing. Like you have no control. But, on the other hand, if you stand there and do not make the correction as needed you really don't have control. Hm. It's a tough balancing act to be sure. I think in the end laying down the rules one more time, perhaps in writing if your son is up to that, and then sticking to them could be helpful.

One other idea, don't know if there are resources like this for you: a parenting class. I am NOT implying you are doing anything but your best, but a class could have these benefits: meeting others with similar issues, taking a bit of that 'time for yourself', they might even provide some childcare while the meeting is going on. Also, a parents' group might work in these same ways - might be hard to find a good fit, but you should consider looking.
Very best of luck to you - sounds like you have a great kid with enormous amounts of curiousity and drive!!

Rachibaby, I can relate so closely to your post! At 5 my DS(now9) was intensly intense as well as competitive beyond belief. Although I am not single parenting and have a wonderful support system with my parents living in the same house and In Laws within 15 minutes, there were times I locked myself in the bathroom (DS learned how to pick the lock with a lego spear...), tuned him out when he talked nonstop and felt like a worthless mother.

As far as the competitive nature problem: after a couple years, we realized that the issue was not that he cared about being first into the car, park, movies etc., it was more that he coudn't differentiate between being first in that way and doing the best he could in activites. He was sort of hard wired to think being first meant he was doing his best. It took alot of time and quiet time talks to get him to understand that polite manners and appropriate behavior are a better way to be "First". Sadly, we still haven't managed to get away from the perfectionist attitude and need to be first but we have made alot of progress in terms of general manners and respecting each other's quiet time.

One of the reasons DS talked non stop was that he couldn't determine what was the main idea he wanted to express. To him everything was equally important. We started telling him when he was doing this that he was doing a running commentary to make him aware. Over several months with just the reminder that he was "commentating", he started to get better at summarizing and picking out the important things. He still talks constantly while he plays with legos and such, but he no longer prefaces every comment with mom, Mom, MOM!

I fully agree with the suggestions to try to find ways to take time for yourself!

Take care and good luck!

LOL, elh!!! I'm glad to know that some other little boy has picked locks using Legos!!

Yes, much of this thread rings true with me as well. DS(now 8) has moved past all of these type of behaviors, so there is hope. But the memory of it is still intense for me. The one thing that I will point out is that this might be common among gifted kids.... But it is especially intense among gifted only kids (one child per family). My DS just had so many thoughts running through his head that he needed someone to talk to. Constantly! And since my DH was at work all day, I was his constant companion. We do not turn on the tv very much in our house, but I remember plopping him down with a Winnie-the-Pooh video when I just needed a break. I used to hide in the bathroom when he was 3, 4, or 5 because of the non-stop talking, and he did interrupt my showers constantly. It was almost as if I had a kid that was velcroed to me. He refused to be more than 3 feet way from me at any given time. He did not like to be in a room alone. He would not go upstairs by himself to fetch a toy, and would prefer to wait until I was free to walk with him to get it. He really just wanted constant contact. Several other people here have posted that their children need physical contact too. My DS just needed me to sit and snuggle with him for an hour or so a day, and then he would be happier if I was away from him... as in just in the next room. The problem was that DS's clingy behavior, coupled with the intensity of a million questions an hour, caused me to retreat from him and put more space between us. That made his velcroness increase! It can be a vicious, downwardly-spiraling cycle that is hard to break.

You might try fighting fire with fire. Try to be overly huggy and "there for him" for part of the day. Then put a few boundaries for "mommy time" just afterwards. Start small by making it 5 or 10 minutes where he has to entertain himself quietly. Then try to stretch it out little by little.

The real turn-around came when he learned to read. Suddenly there were these long stretches of an hour or more when the house became completely quiet. Until he catches the reading bug, I would suggest having a secret stash of cheap toys that will keep him entertained. I would occasionally see maze books, number puzzles, etc. in the discount bin of stores and stock up. I frequently hit puzzle stores for games that required solo playtime. Or give him a tape recorder and let him record all of his ideas on it. That way he can go back and listen to his voice for added entertainment!

The worst habit to break was the 'desperately wanting my attention while on the phone.' That one took a few (okay maybe more than a few!) time-outs before he learned that I could not hear the other person if he was talking to me. I think, on more than one occasion, I told him upon hanging up that someone had just called with information on a topic that was important to him (birthdays coming up, playdates planned, visits from grandparents...), but sadly, I couldn't hear. That seemed to cure it, oddly enough.

Hope this helps. Just know that you are not alone. You are not a bad parent for feeling this way. It is completely normal... well, as normal as anything gets with a child like this. And it does get better. It is like everything else when parenting a highly gifted child... just hold on tight. This too shall pass, and then you will be worrying about other things.

p.s. I went back and looked at your original post to see if I had answered some of your questions. I do agree that asynchronous development is the key. I think that they feel that gap between where they are intellectually and where they are emotionally. Think of it as this: asynchronous development is like a source of internal friction to them. And I think it makes them feel like they don't have enough control over things in their life. They therefore seek to add as much control as they can in order to fill in the gap and make them feel more stable. The older they get, the less asynchronous they get (and the more the emotional part catches up with their ultra-fast brain.) At least that is my theory.

Rachibaby - we see similar behaviors with our DS4.5. I feel like we've been telling him every day for 2 years "please wait your turn to talk," "stop ordering and be polite" or similar. He is always interrupting and often rude.

As for alone time, do you have lego batman, lego star wars, or lego indiana jones? Those were great lifesavors for me when i needed to get some work done or when i was sick or needed some peace. I know it's not the greatest thing to recommend a video game, but the kids are using some thinking skills to figure out some of the puzzles, and fine motor, blah blah blah...

On the being first in school. I wonder if it's anything similar to my son's preschool rituals last year. He had to say "i love you mommy" each step he took on the way to the preschool door, and hug me a certain number of times. if he didn't do his familiar ritual, he'd have a tantrum. Maybe your son is just trying to have one thing the same every day (being first) as a sort of security blanket. What worked for us was finally saying to DS that he had to get all his hugs/i love you's etc done before we entered the building. I made it a rule, and it worked. Maybe it's nothing like this situation but thought i'd throw it out. I'm not sure how you could solve it - maybe there's something else he can do that is comforting that he can get out of the way before the school grounds. ?

Hi Rachibaby,
My DD4 is also very intense and energetic. She talks non stop and if we even hint that we are not totally into what she is saying she acts devistated. I was the same way as a child and luckily I married some one who can handle it most of the time and I have found several people I am close to.

We sat down as a family and talked about how peoples needs are different. Some people need to talk more than others and that is ok. We talked about strenghts and frustrations of different personalities, and that everyone in the family needs to respect each other. We didn't make it just about her.

We have designated quiet times. Like nap time 12-3 where the younger kids sleep and she has to stay in her room and entertain herself. If there is something she can't wait to share she can write it down or tell me after nap. She makes art projects dresses up her animals. Writes me notes and slides them under the door. She likes those work books someone suggested to me from this site a long time ago.

The important thing is to set boundaries. Let him know you value his ideas and thoughts. And that you will set aside time for him. And that because he values you he will wait until your out of the shower and respect your boundaries. If he does not, he will have a time out or lose a privliage, what ever you do just make the expectations clear. And make sure he knows you love him.

Clear expectations and boundaries will help him develop self worth. And help with his interactions at school or where ever he goes.

If you have reatives or family friends he can talk to that would help. Sometimes I say hunny, Id like to chat with you, but I am busy right now, why don't you call grandma and talk to her for awhile. Sometimes she gets frustrated with that, but she calls grandma and Im less adgitated when I get bombarded with questions and thoughts later.

I have found it is better to talk to DD directly about difficulties because these kids are smart and they hear everything. DD can tell when were frustrated and we don't want her to grow up feeling like something is wrong with her, but rather that everyone is different and like everyone else she has to learn ways to meet her needs in this world.