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Hi Dear Ones,
I certianly didn't know were to put this post, but I'm sticking it here, because our collective wisdom about family size and giftedness is a resource.

The does giftedness matter when it comes to deciding how many children to have? What are some of the issues that commonly come up? And why do so many of the experts say that having more than one child is one of the best things one can do for an unusually gifted kid? When it works well, it seems to like an enviable situation. But the possible downsides are many, and can be serious. Then there is the issue that many of us do not have a choice, and discussions as though the topic was a matter of choice can be painful.

Here's the link to the posts were this came up.
*** Link no longer working ***

The discussion starts about halfway down page one, with post #2885. Acs raises some excellent points on this question.
Does anyone else have any thing to add? I know that for my DH and I the decision NOT to try for a second child was a difficult one, long and sad. I mostly wanted to bring up the issue because it is often not able to be spoken about, and I think that we, here, could be able to speak usefully about it.

Love and More Love,
Trinity

This is an interesting question. I have noticed that so many of the kids in the exceptionally gifted class here are only children. I've always wondered why--are they more easily identified because parents can focus more on them? Is it an argument for nurture v. nature? Was it choice or circumstance? Are they too much of a handful to have more?

There was recently an article about the firstborn being the smartest, though it doesn't correlate in my family based on the IQ tests. For me personally, I didn't decide to have more kids for my son to enjoy siblings. In fact, I remember him specifically being angry about a new baby. "One baby, Mama. No more babies!" I wanted more because of what it did for me. I felt like the grinch whose heart multiplied a hundred times in one day when my son was born. After that, I thought there was room for more and more love. Hard to explain. I guess I'm just glad I got a pretty late start or we'd have a dozen instead of 4.

For us, we really didn't have a clue about them being gifted until my oldest was in kindergarten. I must have thought all kids knew every dinosaur's scientific name and every fighter jet's specifications at age 2 or 3. The kindergarten teacher was the one who suggested testing him. After that, I read quite a bit and was pretty proactive about having them identified.

This summer when one or more kids were away at camp it became apparent that having just one or two is not necessarily easier for parents that 4. I had to be much more involved once there were no playmates. However, there was definitely less fighting.

First, let me say that I love Cym's reason for having more children--because in her heart it seems like the right thing to do. That same reason--it feels like the right thing--is probably also the best reason to have only one child. I think this applies whether children are gifted or not. The other reason to either have or not have children is because sometimes the decision is beyond our control and then we deal with our circumstances (whether reproductive problems or an unplanned pregnancy) as best we can.

All that aside, though, I am interested in any real data that is out there on gifted children doing better with siblings. We fought through a ton of stereotypes masquerading as real information from experts on only children when we were making our decision. We ended up reading Maybe One by Bill McKibben and You and Your Only Child, both of which clearly refuted any evidence that only children, in general, are harmed by being onlies.

Only child research is difficult because people often do have only children for reasons beyond their control and those other reasons can really confound the data. It's not because the child is an only that s/he has problems; it's because the parents are dealing with unresolved grief over their infertility or one parent has died or there is a divorce etc etc. Unless you control for these variables, comparisons between onlies and multiple sibling families are unfair.

I can certainly say that for us, having a gifted first child contributed to his being an only. I remember how intensely he needed my constant attention, conversation, eye contact and stimulation when he was an infant and toddler. I kept thinking that there was no way I could meet his needs if I had another child--heck I couldn't even remember to feed the cat!! LOL I don't like failure and I knew that trying to meet the needs of more than one child would be a recipe for failure. DS is now 12 and he is absolutely thriving--happy, confident, adventurous, and very popular. There are probably many reasons for that, but I cannot imagine that he could have been any happier if he'd had a sibling (even though he may not have been any less happy either...)

My kids are two years apart, so Ghost was a little over a year old when we decided to have another. At that time I had no idea that he was gifted, although he exhibited all characteristics - I did not know about it. I did not know anything about giftedness until he was about 9 years old. I just thought he was smart and weird. My mom almost from day one kept saying that he is a case for a psychologist. I resisted...
His little sister brings normal world to us and to him. Thanks to her I know what a "normal" child should be/is like. I also think that because she is more "sane", Ghost somehow controls himself better opposite to her not being around. I don't know how to better put it. It is just this feeling I have...
I think his life is easier because she is around.

We have two children almost exactly two years apart (same due date, different B-days). My husband didn�t think he wanted to have any children, but I could tell he would be a good father, so I told him that I wanted three and we ended up with two which was my true target number. Both kids were �surprises� and were born within three years of our wedding.

My daughter has always been good natured and healthy. Still, I was way more exhausted than other moms that I knew because she was never physically or mentally idle. I mentioned previously that she was almost continuously carried (by me) for her first year. Additionally, she learned to cruise at 5 or 6 months and walk at 9 months. Neither of my kids ever tried to crawl.

When I became pregnant with our son, it was bittersweet. I really worried that I would not love another baby as much as I loved our daughter. Of course, I learned that those concerns were ridiculous. Although the love increased, I don�t think the effort did beyond my son�s first year. They are definitely good for each other and complement each other. They also keep the other humble.

DS adores his sister. Although he sometime argues with her, he defends her passionately to us or anyone. DD is fairly accepting of, and recognizes that her brother is a whole different level of smart than she is. She is comforted to know that she is more popular and earns better grades than him. Most of her friends, including at least two who are most defiantly HG include him in their group. She acts as a social conduit for him.

This is interesting. I never gave much thought to this before reading it here. My situation is a bit different, as I have two from the first marriage, both gifted but maybe in the range of Ruf level 2. Then there are two of my husband's from previous relationships - neither one gifted. Then there are the two he and I have together. Son who seems to be Ruf level 3-4, daughter whose level/giftedness is not yet determined but seems evident in some behaviors and learning.

I have to say that the only way the giftedness would play into any family planning would be in regards to the intensity level. I say over and over how much more intense these last two are. And how much more difficult it is to raise them, meet their needs and understand them. The others were easy compared to these two - and I raised the first two as a single parent for 13 years! So, I guess I could certainly see how having a PG kid who is so intense and has such needs might be like having a profoundly disabled child who takes so much energy and time that the parents have to think hard before having more. After having these two, I'm certainly done! Even if I wasn't as old the hills and could even remotely consider actually having more! I'm too tired!

We planned for two, but stopped after one Ruf III kid, he was high need and wore us out! I call it the PG birth control effect. I only even got interested in "trying again" when DS was 5 - long after the other Moms who started with me were getting ready for a third.

If someone had told me that he was beyond basic gifted, and sat me down and explained what that meant, I would have thought that they were totally nuts.

((shrug))
I was clueless!
Triiin

I guess I have a different perspective, thinking or no thinking, I'm blown away that anyone has time to make a second baby. <wink> DH and I hardly ever saw each other and when we did we were exhausted!

But seriously, Dottie brings up an intersting point. I have been a counselor for over 2 decades now, and, it really does amaze me how few people question the assumption that 2 is the "normal" number of children. I think for a lot of families, 2 IS a good number, but I have met a few families for whom 8 seems just right, others for whom none is really the best option, and folks, like my husband and me, who are totally happy with one.

Given the 50% divorce rate, the stress of parenting and maintaining a relationship in a 2 career household, the costs of raising even one child with all the extra activities we now have available, the cost of sending kids to college, the 5% risk of having a child with a birth defect or mental retardation, and the environmental effects of each new American (think of all the plastic each baby generates, plus car trips, diapers etc), I do encourage people to take a long hard look at the whole picture as they are deciding about family size.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have as many children as they want, but I am saying that just because two is the cultural norm, doesn't mean it's right for everyone. And I do realize that because of my work, I tend to think about these things probably WAY more than is sane <smile>