Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parents of GT kids are isolated, too

Shari, I totally agree with you.

I think people feel more comparison when it comes to school because we all go to school. With athletic/movie/rock stars, they are people who do fantastic/fantasy things, and comparing a normally developing kid to them is perhaps less threatening. KWIM?

When I was pg with DD we were told she had a strong chance of being a Downs child - like 1 in 28. We didn't care. We were going to brag about how smart and beautiful she was even if she were an alligator. I always tell other parents how gorgeous and smart and talented their children are. I believe it, too.

My BIL is a surgeon in an agricultural town. He said he's embarrassed to tell other parents what he does because many of them didn't go to college. His father (my FIL) was also a doctor but he told everyone he knew. He loved meeting people and learning their stories. Not only were people not threatened by his smarts, they adored him for being so accessible. He never apologized for being smart and I think people liked having a doctor be their friend.

I don't know what it's like to have a child skip many grades, but no parent or child should be apologetic for who they are, whether it's an achievement or a setback. It's too bad so many people are rude and small minded.

I guess I don't really blame people who feel threatened by smart kids. My feeling is that most parents feel a little insecure. Parenting is hard and we often make decisions that we aren't quite sure are right. Then we either second-guess ourselves or become entrenched in our beliefs to protect ourselves from doubt. Basically, it's hard to parent any kid without worrying that we have goofed up.

So along comes a kid who is doing way better than yours. You start to worry even more: maybe if I had done something different my kid could have been that smart. It's frightening. People who are worried and frightened often respond badly. If you had been worrying that you hadn't been teaching your child right and that's why they are late learning to read (and the marketers are always looking to make you feel that way!), then a kid who is reading above level is going to hit a nerve.

Good points. Putting ourselves in the shoes of others makes it much easier to understand their behavior.

Not easier to live with, mind you. But certainly easier to understand.

Now, if only they would put themselves in our shoes, too...

What's this "shoes of others" thing? I was talking about myself. Not the learning to read part, but I certainly got pretty freaky when I found out other kids were eating vegetable or could sit down long enough to play a whole game of Candyland without needing to run around the house twenty times. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with my parenting that DS was so high maitenence. LOL! I have just come to assume that everyone else is as fragile and insecure as I am!

LOL!

But to clarify, you are *not* threatened by smart kids. (This I know!) So you *would* have to put yourself in their shoes to understand why they would be threatened.

I think that's always good advice.

Sorry if this is not copied correctly. I am new to this. I have read many of the boards over the past few days and can identify with so much of it. But I have to admit that I am one of the ones who has put her head in the sand, so as to not "rock the boat". Even by choosing to keep a low profile, a lot of parents still have a competitive attitude with me and with my child. In the last six months I knew I had to change, as I could see the damage being done within my own family. The "do not talk about her", "pretend it did not happen", "make excuses", "don't make a big deal out of it" had become a way of life. It was also evident that my DD14 was really beginning to wonder why we did not celebrate her accomplishments. I guess we learned early on in a small community and with family that you did not share anything about her or you would be looked upon as a bragger, others would be competitive with her, etc. There have been many along the way who have tried to tear her down or prove she is not smart. I guess you just learn to survive and keep it within your own core family, but even that was hard, as she has a younger sister who we have always thought as a normal, outgoing child, but now I wonder if she is GT, but we never identified her because her sister is very GT. Sorry, so many feelings coming out, as I am now trying to celebrate my DD14 for who she is and trying to support her.

This follows people into adulthood. Being very successful at what you do should not need any apologies, but it does. My DW is the same down to earth person she has always been, but she is not forthcoming with her role any more, due to peceptions about what senior execs do. When she was a secretary, then she was one of the girls and no one felt threatened, but not any more.

Intelligence has a qualitative aspect to it that impacts most of one's life. Being bright, being scary smart, is MUCH more of an impact on one's life than being able to throw a ball well. If someone can throw a ball, that usually does not translate into one's job performance or professional occupation. But having an IQ of 135, does - it enables things in many more aras of human endeavors.

Thinking and perceiving are something that everyone does and its tied up with the notion of self in everyone. Ball throwing is not tied up in most people's self. Someone who can outthink and out perceive you means that they can outperform you on something that is intrinsic to your identity. Its easy to see why that is threatening.

Another identity people have is their kids. We all know this.

The isolation parents feel comes from not being able to share and discuss, but also from that threat to others identity such a child represents. Superior intelligence is disruptive in many, many ways and not being able to understand why a child is so much further ahead - and knowing that child has more to offer than your child just adds another threat to that identity.

A smart adult is a threat, but a smart kid with a supportive parent is a much deeper one.

I also think that due to human history where one group from the outside has always displace another - there is a deep seated fear of others that is intrinsic to human identity. Smartness may tap into this as well.

When I put myself in some shoes, I just need a bath afterwards!!

The way around this is for others and you to realize that a smart kid has more to offer the world as well.

A surgeon does things for the community that no one else can do that makes us all better off. Ditto the business owner or scientist or writer.

At its root, this is a social isolation problem that many, many people have - from the elderly, the police officer, etc due to the nature of who or what they do.

Here is the type of responses I have gotten from most people. I will just generalize into 5 types of response I get from people (I understand there are more than this...but here are the basic responses I have to my most likely exceptionally gifted 4yo, and the responses were even more extreme when he was 2 and 3).

Shock and Awe - This type of person is completely shocked about the things my DS does and says. They ask lots of questions about how we created a child like this, and what he is eating, etc. How we taught him to read, what we do to "teach" him.

Shock and Disgust - This type of person finds my DS very odd and acts as if he is a freak because of his abilities. They talk about how he won't be normal socially and act as if he has a disability and wonder what I am going to "do with him" They often make condescending and sarcastic comments about his abilities. When he was 2 they would say things like "well her kid could help you fix your computer if you need it."

Shock and concern - This type of person is amazed by abilities, and is concerned about my DS's future and what troubles he may have. They ask lots of questions and give lots of advice about future placements and schools, etc. The often recommend home-schooling to me.

Shock and insecurity - This type of person turns away when anyone else talks about my son. When they say anything about their on child they act as if it isn't really that good because my son did that forever ago. Or at times if they have older children they say that their children did all the same stuff at his age.

Understanding - This type of person understands the obstacles we have ahead, but wants to get to know me and my child better. They don't just lump him into a category because of his intelligence. The treat him with respect and are proud and eager to hear of his accomplishments...and ask to hear more.

So my favorite is the last one. thankfully I have found a lot of friends and support, but have encountered many of the others along the way. I have yet to encounter a real life person with a child anything like my own...but I have read about them, LOL. I can't wait to meet one some day.