Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parents of GT kids are isolated, too

We have lost friends over this, but not because we brought up the subject rather the kids ask each other about grades and testing etc, etc. This couple that no longer talks to us has a very different philosophy about education. They see school as a babysitting service with some learning thrown in, where we see it as our child's "job".

We are quite introverted, so we have a hard time making friends anyway. We really have more aquaintances from our activities like Swimming, library club, etc. I often feel the isolation but it's not soley from being a GT child's Mom.

I rarely talk with co-workers about DS5.5 anymore. One or two people I might occasionally talk to but that stopped very early this year. On the other hand, our neighborhood, almost unanimously, has been very supportive. That has been a pleasant surprise. I think that's because we're not viewed as pushy parents and they've seen DS grow over the last 5 years.

The funny thing is that my mother used to tell me years ago that she couldn't talk about DS any more to other grandmothers. They just didn't believe her that DS could do this or that.

Meeting the parents of DS's classmates has been a mixed bag. A fair amount of questions about skipping K and what not and a couple of negative "vibes". We probably wouldn't get as many questions from classmates except DS was asked about "K" to which he announced to everyone "I didn't go to K!". Oh well. He didn't mean to be braggin...

Met a lot of good people here though.

JB

Loneliness was daily present. This was difficult for me. Both sets of grandparents couldn't understand that certain behaviors came with the territory of being gifted. With ADHD involved, then OCD, we quickly learned to stop discussing our struggles with our parents. They were from a generation where these things weren't identified, therefore it must be "your parenting laxities." Sigh. Loneliness is compunded when relatives don't understand the reality of living with a gifted child. How I wish I had started a local support group.

Loneliness and isolation are the norm for myself and my children. My children are very intense(active and rapid speaking) and deep. I have just reacently found out my one child is gifted(still in a bit of denial) and suspect my other two are as well. That is what brought me to the wonderful site. So many things have fallen into place that i can now understand. I personally have always had a difficult time building friendships with other people, because I now understand that I am to intense for most people.


About 3 years ago I went away for a girls weekend with a women I was trying build a friendship with. I had a good time and thought she did too. Unfortunatly, one of her kids had bumped her cell phone and it left a message on my phone. In short it was the women and another neighbor disscussing me. The women basically said I was to intense, meaning i talk to deeply, and made her brain hurt. Needless to say I cried alot. Now when I see this women I am very polite and keep the conversation superficial- meaning not deep. However, when she does call me about every two months, she calls me with her problems. I always listen and am very compassionate to her.

In short I keep my mouth shut. On Hoagies I read a great quote:


"Have no friend not equal to yourself"

Now that the light has dawned, I just have to find those friends for myself and my children. Am I being to DEEP! lol

I think that our defensive mechanism of keeping quiet just makes it even more difficult for us to find each other. I'm not sure what to do about that...

I agree. That's one of the reasons I try not to be quiet if I think I can get away with it. How will my peeps find me if they don't know I'm here?

I have a great friend with a PG son who has since graduated high school that is wonderful to talk with. She has all the been there done that experience plus she's just a great person. I have one other friend that I can share with who has a daughter the same age as my DS who is HG and also autistic. There's no competition, just frustration on both of our ends that the school can't meet our kids' needs.

Other than that, I don't discuss it with anyone but my DH and my mom. I'm lucky that I even have two people outside family that get it. One friend saw my calendar with all our school meetings on the wall at home and wondered if DS was in trouble with the principal a lot. I just said "we're working out the kinks of Kindergarten." It's hard to feel like I'm almost lying to her but I know that it would devolve into a competition immediately and that'd be the end of our friendship.

Try moving from Silicon Valley (the center of geek universe, where it seemed everyone had and shared profound thougts) to the middle of the Pacific (where people ask "What [high] school you wen[t to]?"

When we were in California we were surrounded by alpha parents. So even if their child wasn't GT they were interested in enrichment activities for their child and would at least listen politely to learn what their kid could be doing.

Now we're surrounded by people who talk college football and food. Many are of the children should be seen and not heard ilk. There's not even a college town here for refuge.

I stumbled upon a book called The Gifted Adult by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen. It's the only book I've found about how bright adults see the world differently. The author talks about how bright kids are often told to tone down and so they limit themselves and fail to self-actualize. As adults, bright people can come off as too intense and therefore have difficulty finding people to connect with. I found her descriptions to be on the mark, but wasn't so impressed with her suggestions on how to deal with others. Mostly she suggested that you find people like you. Yeah well, if it was that simple we would have already done that.

I know I come across as being too intense. It's a hard thing to control, mostly because of being enthusiastic or really serious about whatever is driving the intensity.

Val

I definitely come across as too intense much of the time, but I'm not sure if in my case it's really a symptom of being gifted as much as being... uh... intense. It probably doesn't help that I talk about a mile a minute (when I'm on a roll...) and change subjects at the drop of a hat.

I don't always find "people like me", but I've found enough who laugh at my jokes that I'm good for now.... I don't really need my friends to keep up with my train of thought all the time, but when people completely miss the point of whatever I'm saying (or especially if they miss the humor and only hear the rant), it gets tiresome having to spell it out in little words. LOL!! and lest I come across as an intellectual snob here, it doesn't seem to be an issue of "gifted" as much as "having a sense of humor" that makes the difference. My brother for instance... brilliant in his area, but gets that deer in headlights look when I'm blithering on and on.