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DD13 (DYS) has always struggled socially. 7th grade went better as she found a group of quirky, snarky kids in her book competition club, but we moved to another country last summer, and 8th grade ended up being another lousy year for friends. There is one boy who likes to hang out with her, but she says she hates school and basically is miserable although she has won all these art contests and has had many opportunities she would not have in the states.

Something new is on the radar though. Last year she stated she did not like the crowds at the middle school and hurried from class to class so she would not need to be around all the people. It didn't seem to be too big of a problem though, and she did not mention it again. This Spring we went to see the psychiatrist in the US for a med check up, and DD shared that not only did she not like the crowds at her former school, but she did not like to go outside at all. She stated that she did not like people looking at her. The psych told her it sounded like she was struggling with social anxiety, and she chatted with DD a bit about it and then recommended a book DD and I could do together (no therapists where we live). DD was less than thrilled about that.

Currently, DD would love to be in her "cave" as we call it (her bedroom) all day long drawing or reading Twitter posts about random stories (politics/ makeup/art, etc). She was dreadful on vacation when we "had to" go out to the beach or to a restaurant. She hated the whole affair. She complains when we "have to" go to a restaurant. She will not go out for exercise although she really needs it and has decided she hates soccer although she loved it for several years.The teachers do not see any of the problems we see. They claim DD is doing great although they acknowledge she is sarcastic, and one teacher said she was the most "sharp minded" kid she had ever met. DD has breezed through her classes without studying and has made all A's. A couple of extra points/thoughts. We wonder about a depression diagnosis in addition to the social anxiety. DD's latest check up showed she was slightly anemic and was low for D. DD does claim she is tired all the time. I know some studies link low vitamin D and depression, but it is not known if depression causes low D, or low D causes depression.

Thoughts? Advice? DD sees nothing wrong with staying in her room all day so she is not willing to work on the issue.

This is the third response I’ve tried to post- argh!

Mainly wanted to say that our DS had a very similar situation his freshman year of high school. Because of scheduling conflicts, he didn’t have friends in most of his classes. The academic fit was poor in several classes. His main social outlet, an academic team, changed significantly and lost the social aspect he previously loved. And he was extremely self-conscious.

In retrospect, I believe he was depressed, but he refused to see someone or talk about it. Like your DD, he spent most of his free time alone in his room and it was very difficult to get him to do things.

Things that helped? The passage of time was probably the biggest thing. A new academic year, with better academic fit, and classes with friends. Joining a high school academic team, that is very collaborative and social, with lots of scheduled practices and meetings, ensuring that he participated even when he wasn’t feeling it. Some “forced performance” situations. He was placed in a quintet that performed regularly- very uncomfortable for him, but he loved the music and the group, so he did it. And a strong public speaking component to our curriculum- again, uncomfortable, but very valuable in that he learned he is capable and actually not so bad at it. We also respect that he is a strong introvert, and will always need that down time, often alone, to recharge. Times like vacation, or team trips, are especially challenging in this regard, but helping him feel OK about needing that down time was important.

Regarding the anemia, do you think your DD is eating well? We discovered that our DS, a picky vegetarian, lost 30 pounds that year. Thankfully there was no evidence of an eating disorder, I believe it was related to depression, but both are things to keep in mind.

I would persue an evaluation for depression, if it wasnt addressed in the earlier visit; I wish we had pushed DS harder on this. I still feel like we are lucky things turned around as they did. I would keep looking for groups/activities that might engage your DD and help her find her people, where there is some structure that encourages participation. And hopefully more upper level classes as she enters high school will be a better fit. Spending the majority of the day dis-engaged is not an easy way to grow up😕.

Our DYS/SET 13 year old daughter can be socially awkward too (pubescent girl power games are needless and utterly vapid to her) with age peer girls but has often done well with older people and boys.

What helped her was finding a clique of geeky/nerdy yet not altogether unrowdy boys to hang out with. Also, attending CTY residential camps helped her to meet kindred souls - a true balm for her soul - from other cities and states. One of whom has become a very close friend.

From that friend's parents we have learned that fencing is likely to appeal to her and she will try to join the club when she starts high school this Autumn.

Wife and I read Untangled which helped as well - it is apparently very difficult, even for professionals, to correctly diagnose depression in teenagers, especially girls.

While I wouldn't leap into assuming depression, I would keep a weather eye open in this regard.

My advice would be: don't conclude that it's depression until you've talked to your doctor to rule out any potential medical issues that could be affecting her energy level.

My kids both turned out to have celiac disease (which tends to be accompanied by low energy, fatigue, anemia, low vitamin D, depression, anxiety ...). It took a while to identify that as a factor, because the psychologists/psychiatrists were focusing on the anxiety and depression and viewing the accompanying physical symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, other vague aches and pains) as somatization.

(Edited to fix pre-coffee grammar.)

Very good point.

We could do a better job of this although my introverted husband does share about his need for down time.

She is not the best. She eats a limited range of fruits and veggies. I have had conversations with her about this, and she will occasionally eat outside her comfort zone. This will be part of the follow-up doctor's visit.

Unfortunately it will have to wait until Christmas when we go back to visit family as there are no mental health agencies where we live. I am very concerned about the possibility of depression.

This is something I can do - find clubs for DD. I recently connected her to a music group where hopefully she can find some like-minded souls. I have been surprised that she has not hit it off with any other fine art kids as she lives to draw. However, this school is an international one, and language and cultural barriers can be huge.

As far as upper level classes, the school prefers for kids to take their classes in a specific order. 9th grade is basic classes ( no AP allowed) although some kids like DD and her sister will be in Algebra 2. DD is going to be bored silly again unless I can convince any of the teachers to give her more personalized work.

Yes, DD has always tried to figure out the girl scene to the point of literally graphing social behavior a few years ago. She is also younger than the other students which is part of that tricky grade skipping issue.



I am going to go check out this book. Thank you.

Thanks to all who responded. We will definitely look into health issues AND depression. I guess I am discouraged because earlier in the year DD seemed to be doing so well. She was actually having lengthy conversations with me, earning art awards, not being so cranky.....I was surprised to hear how unhappy she was with school. I hate to see her lying on the bed with her head buried in her pillow complaining how tired she is.

I‘m thinking mono, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, thyroid...
Not sure about whether the place you have moved to has a totally different climate, food, diseases than what you are used to, but the timing is a bit suspicious.