Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Very bored with school and "no friends"

I supppose the issue is whether he's socially struggling/isolated because he's much smarter than everyone else or whether it's because he's also got ADHD. It's tricky because social difficulties are common with ADHD (missing social cues etc) and increasing the social demands by academic acceleration may not be the best idea.


My gifted DD befriends kids who are also smart, she's in a cohort of 3 in her year (of 100 kids) where they do accelerated maths which is about 2-3 years ahead and they all get on really well. They also have other friends in the class and through extra curricular events. I suppose I'm saying that I don't think being very smart necessarily has to be synonymous with friendship difficulties. DD's best friends are the other smart kids because she says she can talk to them about anything - but she also has kids she likes through swimming, drama etc.

I found my DD's academic boredom was alleviated by her pullout maths (her steength) combined with a whole heap of sport. With the added bonus that she made the school swimming team and so made friends through there.

Could you aim for some good enrichment and an absorbing extracurricular activity?

Just to add : do you think the no friends issue is at least partially responsible for the boredom? I never get much about what my kids learn at school, it's more enthusiastic renditions of how, "so and so did x and his friend did y and the teacher asked about and Ryan answered with and it was funny and he couldn't stop laughing and I did drama in pairs with Mia and we both said the same thing at the same time" etc.

Some fabulous advice on the social skills issues above. I'd just add an additional consideration on the ADHD issues.

On the one hand, kids with ADHD tend to have notable executive function defects, and these rapidly become more problematic (fast!) as they approach middle-school grades. An accelerated kid who's well-behind grade level function may have a brutal time trying to manage expectations of an even higher grade.

BUT - a huge but - it's also really important to remember that ADHD affects our ability to control where our attention goes. It makes it extraordinarily difficult to keep attention focused on work that is boring (or hard, especially when other Es are involved). My kids are far more capable of staying focused on work that is challenging and engaging. And far more willing to work through the pain of their other disabilities, and battle through the hard stuff. The only thing that triggers the ADHD worse than make-work, is make-work that still places high demands on their LDs (e.g. no conceptual challenge but large output requirements).

So it's really important not to get caught in the usual teacher trap, which is "fix the behaviours *before* you can get interesting work". Interesting work tends to be an essential need to fix the behaviours. Which is not to say accelerate is necessarily the answer. The decision requires some tricky untangling of cause and effect. How can you best get him work at an appropriate level, while also best supporting social and emotional development? What changes can help in deficit areas, and what will exacerbate them?

Exactly this. His ADHD is well managed on meds and he has gone through OT to help him cope with his particular attention needs. But if he's not challenged and it's easy he doesn't see the value in going through the motions of something he can already do. His executive function issues (like organization) are definitely something we are considering. I have a meeting on Monday with his gifted teacher and hopefully she can give me more insight. Has anyone read the Iowa Acceleration Manual themselves and found it helpful? I'm really leaning toward acceleration, but worry about a resistant administration, so I want to be prepared.

Yes. I have a copy. Please let me know if you have questions and I'll be glad to answer, as I have for others over time. (See IAS roundup, upthread)

A last thought for the day: I think the big red flag for me was DS saying that they "aren't teaching me anything I don't already know!" If he were bored because he's just not focused I don't think he would use this specific reason.

Agreed!

Two thoughts:

1) Beware of what a school might offer to challenge your child: extra work, busywork, solitary work, tutoring other students, requirements to teach himself advanced material, more stringent grading requirements, etc, as described in this list of buzzwords.

Appropriate challenge is instruction at the child's zone of proximal development (ZPD), amongst academic/intellectual peers.

2) In the advocacy tips, parents are cautioned not to use the word "bored" when talking with teachers.

Kimberley, I don't have any suggestions so I was debating if I should even post. But my Dd7, skipped k and is in 3rd grade at a high performing public school. She is bored, has expressed the same sentiment as your child, and has zero friends. So grade skipping really didn't help with that. She has really high standards and most 8-9 year olds can't meet them. She does not tolerate meanness and her definition is very narrow. Plus, she lives inside her head and even said, "wouldn't it be nice if everyone could live in the world that was inside their head?" My heart breaks when I hear such things, but she is a very happy child. So I have resigned myself to the fact that she might not have friends till she is older and can be in the company of like minded people. Like I said I have no advice for you but I empathize.

We found it very helpful. We have the second edition which had just been replaced when our DDs second evaluation was being done. We found it extremely useful to have our own copy.

Best of luck,
--S.F.

Thanks! I was able to order the IAM while it was in stock briefly today on Amazon. It will be here wednesday and I can't wait to read it.