Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Anxiety - won't see a counselor

Thank you Polar Bear.
Your anxious dd sounds a bit like my ds. Helpful to hear how counseling has worked for your other two. I don't know anyone that's been through counseling so that gives me some reference of how it might work.

Thanks also for the acknowledgement that pulling out might help or it might not.

The program he is in, as I mentioned, is so perfect for the way he learns - really for the way anyone learns. I know that he's feeling uncomfortable now and might have concerns about how he'll fit in (imposter syndrome - how smart are these other kids? etc.). I think he was getting somewhat reassured socially and re his fit by this last full Friday. I was optimistic after talking to him that he might be able to see this through.

Later that day he asked again to be homeschooled (he no longer wants to transfer to the local high school).

So, another question that I'm not sure anyone can answer. He's 13. He doesn't see the full picture. We do and we see that this environment - though trickier to adjust to in the beginning - will be amazing for him. Can I allow him to decide to homeschool? He'll have to do DL and follow a broad curriculum and work independently supervised by a remote teacher as my busiest work season is the next 3 months - though I work at home. So from optimal amazing education opportunity to working independently through a text book. This is not a good choice. Also, once he makes that choice he'll regret it and ask to switch back.

On the other hand if he refuses to go what can I do? I've used coercion a few times this past week but can't continue to.

Basically my question is if we feel he really really should continue so he can get through the tough part and reap the benefits and he refuses what then?

Let me add that the teachers have observed him to be happy, laughing and engaged in class.

This is not unheard of, in fact it may be rather common... kids may work hard to blend in, and may show a jovial outward appearance as a mask, while storing their concerns and/or inability to process the myriad stimuli. At home, in their safe space to process, they may meldtown, retreat, or shutdown.

I am uncertain how to help a child extend a sense of "safe place" to a counselor's office, other than to talk a lot at home about feelings experienced throughout the day as different things were occurring... and hope to use these conversations to build a bridge to an expert who may know more... books sometimes help with this. I will second aeh's mention of books from Magination Press (American Psychological Association). I have mentioned these several times in the forums, however that resource slipped my mind at the moment... wouldn't want to shortchange you... glad another poster mentioned them.

I'm adding a link to the related thread on distributed learning, as the conversation on counselors has continued there.

Update! We/he seems to have turned a corner! Yay! I think it was a mixture of seeing how wonderful the program is, starting to feel like he fits in (academically and socially) and being excited about having a fresh start with new people (which initially was a barrier).

I have a happy, engaged, enthusiastic kid again! I couldn't be happier. As you know if you've read all of this thread, this bout of anxiety has been building since late grade 6 (over a year ago) so it's such a relief to see it going (I say that optimistically).

Thank you everyone for your comments and support.

I may need to reopen this again next week when the next obstacle pops up but in the meantime I'm smiling.

I just wrote you a long rambling post about our journey through anxiety on your other post. I'd meant to post it here.

I'm glad things are going better. I hope they stay that way. And despite my enthusiasm with how well DS17 is doing, there are still hiccups along the way.

tillamook, so wonderful to hear he's finding his feet again! Huge happy smiles your way.

It's a really horrible feeling to have a child facing that kind of anxiety and not be able to magically fix it for them, but your support and steadiness through this time has brought him through. As he hopefully gets more at ease and settled in over the next months, one lesson I have learned the hard way is that now is the time to do everything you can to confront the issues that got him to such a bad state before. When they're anxious, they really can't hear you. So when there aren't issues - that's the time to address the issues. Can't say I've really gotten good at this, just learned that I need to work a lot more at it. Thank god for the parents on this board.

Platypus101 - thank you! Brilliant advice. I have just been enjoying the peace and joy but you're absolutely right. Just like all of us, when we're in the middle of heavy emotion it's difficult to see things clearly.

Will definitely broach the topic and see what I can do to help him work through the causes and what we can do to head off any future bumps. I know that's optimistic but hey, I'm feeling optimistic.

Yes, thank god for all of the support available here. Much appreciated!

Platypus101 I am revisiting this post and saw your last words - "When they're anxious, they really can't hear you."

This is so true. We're back at the "I hate school" situation. The first half of the year at the new school (grade 8) was great but after Christmas two big stressful assignments have derailed him. The stress caused him to both act up and withdraw during class time and to be increasingly angry with me. I think it was a "back against the wall" fear reaction. Get me out of here.

Both were coachable things to overcome but one was months long and only became comfortable at the last moment. The other was a student led evaluation where the teachers called him on his recent behaviour. In front of us. He was surprised and upset.

We left school before spring break with him saying he is not going back.

Well, here we are the day after spring break and trying to figure out where we're going. He's actually sick so we have at least another day.

He has resisted all my/our attempts at discussing the situation (before and during the break). Given his history I am leaning towards virtual school from home. If things are overwhelming let's remove the stress and focus on learning. No one does well with long term stress and it's hurting our relationship.

I read everything I could get my eyes on and discussed with other parents on forums which virtual schools were best etc.

Basically, I can't get this kid to talk to me. I want to discuss; what are the key things that aren't working? can we fix them? what do you need? what would be better? what do you think of virtual school?

It is the beginning of 3rd term here. We could do this fairly seamlessly but we need to make it happen.

Refusal to talk, refusal to go, refusal to discuss going in a different direction - where do we go from here? I've told him that school refusal is going to generate a whole storm of counselors and meetings.

Also, this is a kid who has difficulty making decisions. It would seem obvious that I should just make this happen and we can then just work things out together. The drawback to that is virtual school requires a motivated student.

I'm sure this is just harder for me to figure out because I'm so close to it. Any advice?

Several of the items you mentioned your child experiencing sound like symptoms of executive function issues from this list at Understood.org. Has he been evaluated for EF difficulties? Might EF issues be a contributing factor to his anxiety?

Hi Indigo,
Thanks for your response.
He's actually really organized. I have another with EF issues so I know what that looks like. The stressors had to do with; public presentation of a very long group project and a teacher/parent presentation.