Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments My DS12 won't go to school. Distributed learning?

My DS12 has been having an increasingly difficult time with coping at school.

His school career started out really rough (anxiety) and got better shortly after being identified (grade 3). The increase in confidence really helped and he became very open to trying new things and had many friends.

Since the beginning of grade 6 it has been declining steadily. There have been few accommodations for his giftedness (a once a week pull out program) but he has been refusing my intervention on his behalf.

Last Spring it got decidedly worse. He started to be home "sick" more and more frequently. This school year, grade 7, has continued on the same and has escalated. I see that part of it is the curriculum (grade 6 dealt a lot with climate change, population overgrowth etc. - all very anxiety producing) and social issues have come up. Kids are increasingly competitive and are getting more into things that are scary to him - swearing, aggression, too much social media, teasing/bullying.

Just after Christmas I met with his teacher and the resource teacher and they are very open to changing up his curriculum to help the school motivation side of things. There has been a delay in getting things in place as the region coordinator has been away. The kid side is having more of an affect on him. Some things that happened on Wednesday really threw him and he was off yesterday and refused to go again today.

I'm really torn - I feel like there is a lot of pressure for him to go (you can't just not go and deal with things that are difficult). I don't want to enable him to run away from difficult things. Also there is a legal imperative for him to go.

On the other hand I can't drag him physically. I don't want to make him feel unsafe, un-cared for, unheard. I'm also sensitive/empathetic.

So torn!

So should I wait to see what accommodations we can come up with and how he might react to them and/or explore options like distributed learning that would allow him to work at home and avoid the social issues that diminish as kids mature?

If I do allow him to "withdraw" and learn at home via a distributed learning program so I push him to go next year? High school starts in grade 8 here. If he refuses and I setting him up to be a social recluse?

Taking a step back from all that - is it a big deal? Should I just facilitate his learning the way he needs to learn and trust that the social side will figure itself out?

In the past I haven't listened to my gut where school vs gut is concerned and I think it has turned out for the worse more than a few times.

Please - any advice is very welcome.

Does anyone else do Distributed Learning? How have you dealt with school avoidance?

PS Distributed Learning here allows a child to work online with support and supervision from a teacher.
PPS I work from home so this wouldn't be a hardship for me.

Thanks for your response Portia.

You have an excellent point - start with asking him what the best solution would be.

We've talked quite a bit, over the last few years especially, about what he needs/wants at school. It has only be recently that he has been able to articulate a few things. I think not wanting to stand out has stopped him from wanting me to ask for anything different. I think he is so unhappy now that he's open to trying something new.

He has been a very motivated and conscientious student until recently so I feel confident that he'll put the work in if we switch things up for him - through a changed curriculum or through Distributed Learning but you're right, it's a very good idea to make that absolutely clear, especially if we move to Distributed Learning.

When he is out of school he is on fire with curiosity and I would even say joy. It could be the ability to control what he learns and it could also be removing him from his peers and the social issues he's dealing with. I have a feeling that removing the social and allowing him to work at his own pace (even if the curriculum isn't materially changed) will renew his energy for school.

I guess it comes down to the harm that could come from allowing him to withdraw from the social scene (vs the benefit).

On the other side of the coin - how much the joy of an adapted curriculum will offset the social issues.

I think once he's regained his joy/balance he'll have more energy to continue exploring things in more social settings ie camps, extra curricular classes.

I think Portia has a great suggestion. The more I think about your situation, the more I wonder what, if any, the benefits of keeping him at the "bricks and mortar" school have at this stage in his life. It doesn't sound like he's getting the right educational challenge, there are peer issues, it's taking a lot of emotional energy (that could go into the joy of learning) just to get through the school day. There are so many people home schooling now for just those reasons. The benefit side of keeping him in that school seem so small vs. the downside.

If you supplement with other ways for him to be socializing, it sounds like you might have a win/win situation with pulling him out for distributed learning.

I agree with asking what he wants and what he thinks will work for him. We had the same situation as you with one of our sons. He'd been depressed about school since about 4th grade, but the elementary school made some amazing accommodations for him. But middle school wouldn't do anything, even though he had the school's highest MAP tests ever. We met with the administration and they tried to differentiate, but this was a very successful charter school and they had their ways that worked, and wanted him to adjust instead of the other way around.

I finally pulled him out at xmas break of that year and homeschooled. I set up some teacher/tutors, plus some good online classes. He did an entire year of 7th grade science in about 3 weeks. He had been yearning to just go at his own pace for so long!

In the meantime, I looked around for schools that would work for him. We wanted him at a b & m school by 8th grade so he'd have a year of practice before high school. I found a great school, he skipped a grade (he had been approved, but we didn't skip him earlier) and he entered 8th the next year. He was anxious to go back to school because he was lonely. He didn't find best friends that year, but now in 9th (same school) he has a big group of friends.

I didn't realize until I pulled my son out of school how depressed he was about the b & m school. As soon as we told him he was going to homeschool, our happy, funny boy came back. We're so glad we were able to make that choice for him. Hope you have similar success.

ConnectingDots - when you put it like that it is so obvious. It is seeming like the best option.

syoblrig - I love to hear how your son became his happy self again when homeschooled AND that he was able to work ahead. Even with a day home I see that happening in my son. He spent a few hours joyfully learning about geography online and mastering States, capitals, countries around the world. This is sounding like the right path.

EmmaL - I hope you find a solution! Is it possible for you to do a distributed learning option?

spaghetti - You're right it is artificial. Adults often don't have a choice either (in the workplace at least). You're also right that being miserable isn't a great setting for learning how to cope.

We meet in two days to discuss accommodations. I hope it goes well. If not at least there are other options.

I'll write a follow up and let you know how it goes.

Thanks for all your comments!

Update - I met with the teacher, principal and gifted coordinator and discussed the possible accommodations for him in the classroom.

They are:
- math - allowed to work ahead - either following the curriculum or in a more big problem kind of way
- science - hands on science projects are about to start for the class which should be much more engaging for him
- social studies - also about to get more hands on - choosing an ancient civilization to focus on and writing a report
- english - writing the report for social studies - he could write an historical fiction story instead

He would also be allowed to do something fun/engaging for the first 10 minutes of class at the beginning of the day and after lunch.

He was coming down with something when I filled him in on the changes so I can't tell if he's underwhelmed or just sick. In any case he's home again for the day.

I'm not sure if I'm underwhelmed. Torn because I'm not sure what I would ask for in an ideal world and also, what are they able to actually do within the parameters of a normal class situation.

frown Help. Can't think clearly about this and the stress of feeling like a crappy mom who can't get her kid to school and a neglectful mom who can't fix this situation is really bringing me down.

Oh my EmmaL! You are facing a tougher situation than I seem to be - time will tell.

I completely understand all your fears.

It is a shame that they are harassing you but maybe good to know that they're there to help protect children in general.

What did the pediatrician offer?

Is it possible for your DS11 to do Distributed Learning? That might solve the problem. There seem to be some out there that allow the child's needs to lead the program rather than the curriculum. Do you have that option in your area?

I have spent the past few months holding the hand of a friend who has been dealing with school refusal. Yes she was referred to CPS multiple times, as well as truancy court. At 12 the child had to report to the local "prison" (I think it was actually a jail...) and was sent to a hospital program with extremely disturbed kids. She saw a girl attempt suicide in front of her there which made the whole situation so. much. worse.

So yes, Emma, school refusal is a very real thing. I am certain you have researched the living daylights out of it online.

There are programs out there specifically for school refusers. My DD's spec Ed school has a dedicated transition program just for school refusers. When my friend's daughter was not successful there she ended up in a therapeutic residential school that specializes in school refusers. Before giving up on it they tried several levels of services designed to get school refusers out of their homes and into the school. They also tried using a loved extracurricular activity - must be in school x hours on days you want to participate (using the same language as for sports). It worked for a while but eventually the anxiety won out and the child even stopped doing the loved extracurricular activity.

Don't believe anyone who tells you they haven't seen anything like this before and it is your fault. It is anxiety and needs to be treated as such. The wonderful psychologist my DD worked with for 3 years before being exited (she no longer qualifies for an anxiety diagnosis) specializes in "school phobia", the main reason I contacted her in the first place. All these resources exist for a reason - because this is a real issue that real families are struggling with. But a lot of people don't get that and a lot of districts (maybe all) will first blame the parents before agreeing to provide resources.

It's been years since I read up on this but as I recall you can find information under 'school refusal', 'school avoidance' and 'school phobia'. Much of the information available WILL blame the parents, especially the mother. Much talk about attachment disorders and the mother not really wanting the child to leave them to go to school. Keep an open mind as you read. This is the primer for what your ex or the school where your child is being unsuccessful will be telling CPS. My friend's spec Ed attorney advised her to welcome CPS, explain everything they have done to get the child to school and state very simply "we are being discriminated against because our child has a disability." CPS sided with them and it was the last hurdle to get the district to pay for the needed residential placement.

IF you can get homeschool or online school to work that is a great option while you work on the anxiety/LD/etc. It didn't work for my friend and I don't think it could have worked for my DD. When things were at their worst in the public (1st and 2nd grade) my pediatrician and my educational consultant were both pushing me to pull DD from school and get her hooked up with homebound tutoring. I knew in my gut if I did this it would become an insurmountable hurdle to get her back in school. I picked her up early 43 times the last few months of first grade with migraines, stomachaches, "tight chest", or other complaints but I kept making her go in. So it really depends on the child.

For my DD a supportive school environment providing the needed services made all the difference. It CAN get better. Hang in there.

I think I recommended Mary Wimmer's book on one of the other threads:
http://www.amazon.com/Evidence-based-Practices-School-Refusal-Truancy/dp/B00JNKZ4EK/

Calling it a school phobia makes it sound irrational. Half the adults I know wouldn't go back to school if they were paid.