Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy handling feedback your child is "too serious"

Just returned from parent teacher conference and I'm feeling frustrated by feedback that my child is too serious and acts too much like a grown up. Then the teacher said a more positive thing which is that she's trying to help him stay well rounded and have fun.

I'm guessing others here have heard that as well. How do you handle it? I think it hurts because it's a criticism of who my child is and that feels unfair. This is just him being him.

He's happy, he has a few close friends... many interests. He plays music, likes sports, loves to read. He's just a little serious and introverted.

His teacher pointed out that he doesn't like to pretend or make believe and that sometimes he lacks creativity in story telling. So I can see that we can work on that. I don't really know what to do with the rest. Shake it off and move on, I guess?

DH thinks it may have something more to do with the fact the teacher knows we send DS to afterschool math. Maybe she thinks all he does is math? She was like "maybe you can sign him up for an afterschool art class?"... but he had fine motor delay and hates to draw. That's a terrible idea. But he does many other activities and I think he's very creative in his free time, which I'm very protective of.

In the same meeting the teacher said she's given him math 2 grades up and it's still too easy because he seems to learn it the first time she tells it to him and he's flying through it. So it was refreshing to hear someone else acknowledge that. However, I don't know how that part goes together with the rest? You would think she would understand it's us trying to meet his needs and not just push him, since she herself is expressing frustration with how to meet his needs when "he always wants more and more."

I know she cares about him. I know she's willing to try to give him advanced material. So I should really not be picky about the rest. He's VERY intuitive though... I hope he doesn't pick up on this sentiment because he would definitely feel hurt.

Some possible thoughts and responses on such feedback:
- Do you find this behavior to be disruptive in the classroom?
- Does this behavior violate any school rules or create safety issues?
- Does my child's "seriousness" result in social problems?
- Does my child seem unhappy or isolated?

If none of these are an issue, then be aware that some children simply prefer non-fiction to fiction, enjoy what is "real" more than what is "make-believe", find more entertainment in what is educational over what is silly, and are very observant allowing them to quickly go into problem-solving mode about things which may stymie age-mates. Classmates may look to such a child as a leader, sometimes causing teachers to take exception (while others may see the child's behavior positively, as levelheadedness and maturity).

Some kids like "Spongebob Squarepants" and others may be more interested in learning about real life forms under the sea from National Geographic, etc.

I've known families who insisted their child believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc through 6th grade "to preserve their childhood" and I've known children who figured out at a very young age that these were mythical characters and yet could accept that many enjoyed them... One child with a double grade acceleration felt it was important to update the 3rd grade teacher, therefore wrote a note to the 3rd grade teacher saying that if this child mentioned these characters, it was only to play along with other classmates who still believed!

Vive la différence!

These are the questions I'd be asking, too. It sort of seems like the teacher may be hinting at something that she doesn't want to say outright. Could there be any possibility that she suspects he is on the spectrum? I may be way off base. She could also just be someone with a limited idea of what children "are like.

Also, I have to laugh because MY child's teacher is trying to get him to stop being so creative and stop drawing on his papers....

I think sometimes as parents it is very easy to be defensive and not as easy to admit that sometimes they may be on to something. I don't know your child or their situation, so they may or not be the case. I know last year a teacher was very frank with me about
some things with DD. At first I was defensive but then I forced DD to do some things way out of her comfort zone and it has been really beneficial for her. I think in most cases (there are obviously exceptions) teachers really do want the best for their students and they get a front row seat to how our children interact with their world every day.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. Always very helpful.

One thing that has occurred to me since then... I wonder if the teacher is just celebrating what she feels she can bring to his day and to his year in school. Maybe she is telling us as his teacher one of her goals is to get him to be a little silly and explore that side of himself more?

I should point out English is her second language (and she teaches in Spanish) so some of the things she says I have to remind myself not to read too much from the tone or wording...

On the other points raised -- I think I know him well. I did ask if it was causing any problems in class or socially and she said no, so I think it's okay.

He's such a neat kid. He really, really is. I wish everyone could see his silly playful side, but he saves that for home. The same night I wrote this original post I was trying to get a picture of him in front of the Christmas tree... could. not. do. it. The first one he turned around and stuck his tush out at the last minute. The next one he was dancing. And so on and so on. Cracking up. Some kids are just shy and reserved in class. Surely his teacher is aware this is the case?

I think I'm feeling better about it now. Regardless she seems to care about him and she has been a very involved, flexible teacher in terms of his strengths and needs in the classroom. I really am grateful for her.

I don't know how old your DS is, but my DD (now 10) got similar feedback when she was in preK. It was a 'its really nice to see her be silly every once in a while' more than a 'she's too serious', really. And they were definitely encouraging her to silly it up.

It sounds like for your DS its not a similar scenario, but just in case I thought I'd add our experience with this. For my DD it was about letting go of 'control', definitely an aspect of perfectionism for her. She has a tough time handling her emotions (that and she's pretty intense in her feelings and reactions to her feelings, in general, whether its a worry/problem she's 'stuffed' or a newly skinned knee that she's wailing over like a broken leg ... that part used to be a lot worse, she can handle the actual pain reactions better now, but at the time of the comment there was immediate and major drama to very minor injuries). When she was younger that control would inevitably relax when she was sillier. So she just kept some of it in, especially in situations where she would be embarrassed if she lost control.

So for her, seriousness was a side effect of not allowing herself freedom, therefore it was somewhat of a concern. Make sense? While it does not sound like that is what is happening with your DS, perhaps the teacher has something more like this in mind, and is concerned he's just not having fun? (And, maybe he's not at school...?) Perhaps reach back out to the teacher, and ask for a quick follow up conversation. Sometimes clarifying what someone has said really helps -- I've definitely left conferences and meetings and realized I'm confused by something that was said, and find that for me at least, it has helped when I have followed up.