Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Meds/school/ hard choices

A 2 part question:
So, I have posted that we were leaning towards homeschooling for younger DD11 (grade accel. one year). Middle school was not the best last year. She has admitted that the only good classes at school were her electives. She is stretched in math (running about 3 years ahead). The rest of the year in basic 6th grade classes. She said she doodles most of the time (on paper, her legs, her arms....)

Ok, so now it's becoming clear how miserable she is. Her assessments are indicating depression and anxiety on top of the ADHD (inattentive) we already know about. She's miserable and oh so irritable.

We are receiving different advice from two different psychs (one who did testing/one currently used for therapy) concerning taking DD out of school. One (who did the testing) says she doesn't usually recommend homeschooling, but in our case she thought it was a good idea. The other is not anti-home schooling but thought DD needed to be on board with it, and asked if I could let DD dip her foot into the homeschool waters by joining a co-op class to check it out. DD was kind of open to the change but ultimately said no because she would have wasted all that time last year trying to make new friends. Let's be clear - she didn't have one playdate with those kids last year, maybe a few texts, and we didn't see any playdates this summer although she kept texting and emailing these girls. DD finally admitted yesterday she would love to find kids "who think like her". So, I wonder, do we really let her make the decision or should we make it for her? DH is hesitant about change. He is leaning towards letting her try public school again for a few months. I'm feeling pressure to decide because school starts very soon.

Next - meds. DD has not been medicated for ADHD. She did well in school last year (straight A's). She's a mess at home. It's almost impossible to keep a conversation going with her as she is apt to go back to reading or watching her Ted Talks. Never mind the disaster bedroom/forgetting what we say 2 minutes after we ask her to do something. But now - wondering about the depression and anxiety. What to attack first? ADHD? Emotional side? Psych. feels we should address the depression first.

I'm paralyzed with indecision. When I kiss her good night, I just want to hug her forever so she doesn't have to feel so sad.

Last year I was slow to recognize my son's depression. It was the end of the school year and we all toughed it out. Summer came and he decompressed, took several camping trips, online class, band camp and did a bunch of reading. This year looks better....we asked for and got three subject accelerations, but the rest with his grade level. Hoping this helps, even if the pace remains excruciatingly slow. If not, I have no idea what to do. I wouldn't hesitate to consider homeschooling. But I will recognize the first signs of depression and I am hoping he can communicate that with me better.

If she is hesitant about homeschooling, I would lean towards sending her to school and then pulling out if it's not going well.

i think the only way I'd force a kid into homeschooling (personally) is if I thought the school environment was actually harming them psychologically, as in causing the anxiety, depression, etc and I couldn't figure out how to make it better.

See how things go w/ different teachers, classes, etc. and then maybe there will be clarity as to the best choice.

In terms of the meds, it's not hard to do a trial of stimulants and if you don't notice an improvement, stop them and address the other issues. Some kids (like my DD) feel really bad about themselves when they cannot focus, get things done, etc. so the meds help in that way. A lot of people w/ ADHD also have anxiety and depression. I'm not a doctor so if she/he has a valid reason for not wanting to medicate the ADHD at this point, then go w/ whatever he/she says.

Just had a good discussion about all this with DH. We both agreed (as does the psych) that if DD just had one good friend she would be so happy. If she could find someone who was crazy about art, loved to talk about politics and weird mushrooms and the history of the American magic school connected to Hogwarts.....
We both agreed that middle school hasn't supplied anyone like that. Anyone she labels "nice" is in art class, but we haven't seen any true connections occur. She keeps trying though!! I have seen her ask for so many girls' phone numbers this summer so she can text them. They don't respond. She did click with a home school girl recently. They have been swimming together (I am so thrilled).
Kids at school have called her "weird", or told her there was something wrong with her and made fun of the books she was reading. Ugh. Oh, she really got excited about the thought of a writing club to meet other writers.

Psych. stated DD is doing well in school so ADHD meds were not going to bring a higher reward there. She thought addressing the depression would be more fruitful.

I think that is the central question - is the school environment so toxic it is harming her? Last year I was very hands off as the school really pushed away the parents. If we stick with brick and mortar, we will absolutely be more involved.

greenlotus, you might have discussed this before but how was your DD doing socially during the elementary school years?

What if the ADHD is contributing to the depression. My experience is depression is hard to treat. Maybe the ADHD would respond to relatively minor doses of meds and will ease the depression. Maybe not too.

Yes, that's what I was trying to say. ADHD affects functioning in life besides school. I would be more worried about anti-depressants than meds for ADHD, in terms of safety concerns and how fast you would see a difference (with stimulants you can tell right away, assuming the dose isn't too small), but that's just me.