Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Identification, Testing & Assessment I really just need someone to listen

This may sound stupid but I'm 27 years old and on the verge of suicide.

I am so alone. I was raised by abusive parents. I had no outlet (books, computer, others interested in intellectual development) while growing up, even though I begged for learning materials. I try to rationalize everything, find order, meaning, and patterns in all aspects of life (including human behavior which has nearly driven me insane), and live my life with an open mind. These traits are natural to me and my thirst for knowledge is insatiable.

I believe my parents have instilled a form of cognitive dissonance by which I subconsciously doubt myself and my conclusions, even if they are experimentally verifiable. My father had a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality which may have been tolerable to anyone who goes through life mindlessly, but certainly not someone who tries to make sense of it. I believe I have shut my mind off rather than try and conceptualize it.

I have been in and out of psych wards for the past several years. I cannot talk to anyone. I cannot bounce ideas off of anyone. The majority of the people I encounter are more concerned with their own self-aggrandizement than things that actually matter.

I have been diagnosed with everything: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. It's all (in my mind) a crock of sh*t, but without outside perspective I cannot really ever know if I'm crazy or not. The only perspective I have is my parents, who are so blatantly incompetent and willfully ignorant, who repeatedly tell me I am mentally ill. They pull the "we have known you our whole lives, we know you better than you know yourself" gimmick. I knew from around eight years old that they never truly understood me, nor would they ever. We are a different species.

These people don't know basic psychopharmacology and are telling me I have a chemical imbalance. You can only hear these types of things so many times before the irrationality of it drives you insane.

School was always a joke. I would half pay attention and ace everything thrown at me. How the teachers didn't pick up on this I don't know. It might have been because I was semi-holding back due to overwhelming stress at home, although I vividly remember in early second grade begging my teacher to give me harder assignments. I was never set up to thrive.

I hear about all of these children skipping grades, graduating early, and even graduating college at an early age. I KNOW I could have done that given the chance, yet I'm always playing other peoples' games in what they allow me to do. After all, what does a child know about the world, especially if he is denied information about it?

I tried college. I attended one of the top engineering schools in the country and dropped out. The material was too easy, was too slow, and I couldn't stand being around my "peers" who were supposed to be the best and brightest in the country. When I get bored I get depressed, and since I now had actual choices in my life I dropped out of school to get away from the torment.

I've tried school at several different colleges now, thinking I could find "my people" and make life bearable, but the same thing keeps happening. The depression has grown so strong I no longer want to try. I feel I could have done great things with my life if I had a loving family, a support system, and an opportunity to succeed. If I had been born ten years later I could have had (most likely) access to the internet at a young age and things would be much different.

Having said all of this, if anyone is still listening, is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I making all of this up? Am I irrational in my thoughts, feelings, and actions? Is it really me and not everyone else? Is the love of stupidity the norm for our race? Are we not meant to do great things? Am I eternally doomed to be around people I try to like but can't, who try to take advantage of me every chance they get? Is there no purpose in life? Do we as a race not value ideas anymore?

For what it's worth I also did some time in the Army (infantry). Mental torment is far worse than any physical punishment you can imagine. I am so tired of being along, having no answers, and above all, not being able to talk to people who actually "get it". Or perhaps I'm just delusional and everyone else, who cannot even pay their bills on time, is right and my ability to reason is largely a hindrance to a happy life.

Am I mentally ill? Am I of above-average intellect? Or is it possible I have been gifted my entire life but never knew it? When I found this site I felt a little something deep inside me, so perhaps my subconscious knows something I don't.

- Jason

Jason - people care about you. After reading this, I, for one, care about you. You sound as though you are likely bright, but depressed, and in need of help. Being depressed does not make you weak, just human. I think that talking to a live person might be less isolating than someone on the computer, though. Do you know of counseling services in your area that you could access? Please hang in there and know that people do care.

Good morning Jason, reading your post now...will respond in a bit. Are you still online? Please respond.

Hi, editing after reading your post:
Although you have sought help in the past, please don't stop trying to get help. Even if it is in part via the internet -- whatever works for you.
But I do agree with the other response that in-person help can be very good. Medications can play a temporary role in getting someone back on a somewhat even keel so they can begin therapy and feeling better sooner. As part and parcel of who you are, there is your intellect to be considered. Any good treatment plan would take that into account - starting with some kind of testing. (And yes it does sound like you are gifted, perhaps very much so, which can be lonely - but doesn't have to be.)

I have often thought this board would do well to have an area dedicated to young adults and even older adults who still are struggling to fit in, find their place and have healthy relationships. I know I have found much solace and camaraderie here.


I would say: stick around on this board, share your own experiences, get help, help others.
Heck, maybe you could one day be that doctor who can help and understand others in the position you are in now.

Jason,

I see that you have made two posts we cannot see yet. The first 5 of your posts need to be approved by an admin (to fight spam, which you are not). Hang in there and your other posts will appear soon!

Hi Jason,

We want to help. It's almost like you are one of our children. I'm so glad you reached out.

Many of the things you say about yourself could have been said by my son, even though he's only 8. Yes he is gifted and yes he struggles with emotions and no we don't know if it's a chemical imbalance or just the extreme intensity/sensitivity that almost always comes with high levels of giftedness.

Right now, we are all just worried about you. Can you please respond and let us know if we can try to help?

Warmly,
Sue

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't know that I have words that will comfort or answer your questions, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Being gifted, especially if you're more emotionally sensitive/intense can be hard. Even those of us with support often felt misunderstood, so I can only imagine how hard it is without support. Sending good thoughts your way.

Jason, I'm glad you posted here, you'll find that we are a caring group who will listen. As suggested above, I also hope you'll seek a counselor or kind ear to talk to in person - I think it will really help. It sounds like you've been dealt a tough journey so far in your life, but please don't give up hope - there is a lot left to live for and look forward too.

There is probably not much I can say that will matter to you, but if you are listening to me, I'd add just a few things that I've found to be true in this world, and I hope you'll believe me: most people are kind, and most people care. While it sounds like you've given up on finding kindness in this world at this point, please know it's out there. Please give other people a chance. It's easy to build up a wall around ourselves when we're feeling outcast and alone that makes us feel like there is no one who will care, but really - there are a *lot* of people who care. If you feel comfortable with it, talk to a minister or priest or someone/anyone at a local church. Look for a local support group - just give them a call, find someone who will answer a support phone line, google support groups in your area for *anything*. The key is to connect with one person first that just cares about people in some way, in general, and they will most likely do what they can to find you someone else who can help, who might find you someone else, but the idea is - start by finding that first contact. Reach out, not with skepticism, but with our reassurance that there really truly are more *good* people in the world who care than people who don't.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Yes, the ability to reason (and the tendency to be sensitive and intense) can be a hindrance to a happy life. If you let it. You are not the first person to feel that way, and won't be the last. It can also make your life interesting and stimulating.

You are an adult now, your parents or their opinions hold no power over you. I understand your comment about people unable to pay their bills on time as implying you are financially independent. You have access to books, newspapers, the internet, MOOCs, any kind of mental stimulation you need is at your finger tips. The one thing you should not look for in these places is human companionship, caring and love, you'll need the real thing. Reach out.

You might want to read this article and the corresponding book, it may give you insight in the questions you are asking yourself about your mental health. http://sengifted.org/archives/articles/misdiagnosis-and-dual-diagnosis-of-gifted-children
Stay with us - today is not the day you kill yourself. You haven't read that book yet. There is so much yet to read, think and explore, would be such a shame to miss it!

Responding again just to keep this thread going & hoping for a response, matteroftime. How are you doing today?

I'm still here, thank you all for responding.

After writing another detailed post addressing each and every comment/concern from everyone I decided to delete it. Let me just say that I identify with both columns of that table from the sengifted.org link. The reason medications do not work (with the exception of dextroamphetamine for mood) is because they do not address the underlying problem: how I'm wired.

I probably don't have to preach about existential depression, as I'm sure most of you are aware of it, or know a child that is going through it. Instead I want to ask a question: what if your gifted self, your gifted child, or someone gifted you knew actually went through with his/her humanitarian efforts and made a difference in this world? What if they weren't limited?

We all think about it, talk about it, fantasize about it but end up conforming to the wishes of the herd because we feel so small in a world so large and feel incapable of doing anything about it.

What if we didn't just survive? What if one of us didn't just get a job and deal with it? Or settle down? Or put up with the system and learn to tolerate it. We are living in 2016 and all things are possible, but they remain out of reach simply because of a lack of desire in the majority of the populace. I'm tired of letting the ignorant majority control the direction of humanity, through mindless, uncoordinated actions.

I think I'm going to give this a go. I need to be set free. It will be a long, hard road. I might die penniless, lonely, and without success, but these ~60 years I have left on this earth may just be enough.

Thanks for listening. You'll know it when you see it. Best of luck to your children.

- Jason