Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Emotional/Mental Health Help, please.

I think this problem is very related to dyspraxia because he very acutely feels his inadequacies, you know? It's hard for a 10 year old boy to have this issue of motor coordination. I can see through his eyes and it looks like this stuff (ball sports, hockey, etc.) just comes so easily to most of these boys around here. I mean, no, most are not gifted/talented athletically (but we have a few - there is a kid on DS's hockey team who is just pure talent - I mean, he really has a gift) but they all pick up this stuff pretty easily compared to DS and DS is almost always on the lower end of skill. But he LOOKS completely normal. I think it is hard for him to cope. He looks normal, is super intelligent, but can't figure out where he is suppose to position himself in a face-off after TWO years of playing? That's gotta be rough. It's almost like his self-esteem just needs protection.

I am looking into this book now. Thanks!

My DS 11 was in a similar situation last year. He had been playing basketball for a few years but were never good at or seem interested. It became very obvious during the game. His lack of attention and average skills made it very hard to watch a lot of times, especially to my husband. DH was ok with DS being an average player but could not tolerate him not being focused and not being a team player. It created such a tension between them to the point DS's academic performance started to slip due partly to frustration against his dad. Being 11 and not courageous enough, he wasn't ready to say" mom I want to quit basketball". After a couple of weeks, and the spring season came to an end, and I realized we should not hold any expectations for something DS truly did not excel. We decided that it was time for him to quit basketball and discussed with him to only keep activities he truly enjoyed. We totally relaxed in the summer and just enjoyed nature and some self directly learning. It helped! At least, it released tension between DH and DS for the time being.

The point I was trying to make is that, please lower expectations or let him focus on something he is good at and confident about.

Hmmm yes, lots of good points. I can relate to the games being very hard to watch sometimes. DS has said he does not want to quit hockey, though. I think part of it is that he wants a sport. His friends that play football and basketball are a bit in awe of hockey (they can't even ice skate) so it gives him street-cred, so to speak, and they do not play so they do not see how good or badly he is doing. He does, however, want to quit this one team he is on (the school team) - he plays on two teams (a school team and a club travel team). He is much happier and engaged on club travel team than the school one - it's a better level for him and he is considered a "decent" player on that team (and that team is the one where his teammate gets him in the right position for face off - the kiddos on that team are just incredibly sweet). The school team, the one his father coaches, is the one he wants to quit. That team has some really talented players so he does not get to shine or even improve much. There has also been some bullying and other drama on the team that interferes with the team climate. I noticed that he was almost depressed on the school team and a completely different guy on the club team. I talked to him about quitting the school team and pulled him out of the team immediately upon his confirming he wanted to quit it. His father and the head coach, however, convinced to stay and see out the season . That is probably playing into all of this. He will not be playing for that team next year, though, and he is adamant about it. He said he definitely wants to continue with club team.

Anyway, he came in from school and he apologized and we talked about it and he was like a totally different kid than the one that melted down this morning. We discussed different tools he could use to remember where he is suppose to be. He seems perfectly fine now. But, I still think this is an issue that I want to stay on top of.

I ordered "Thanks for the Feedback, I Think (Best Me I Can Be!) " I am not sure if it is too young for him ...But I figure it's worth a shot .. even if it gives me some things to say and ways to communicate with DS about this.

Oh my goodness PurpleViolin ... I see you had similar problems with your guy: http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....rnness_and_refuse_to_be_.html#Post214509

I feel like the hockey thing is just one example of the same issue - refusing to be corrected. Your Ds improved on this though, yes?

Have you thought of having your ds try a different sport? I wouldn't give up on the hockey yet if he likes it - but if he's not involved in any other sports I'd look around for something else he likes to do. My ds has always preferred sports that he performs as an individual in, so that a team isn't relying on him - but he's still able to participate in those sports with groups, it's just not a team sport such as soccer or hockey or basketball etc. DS prefers mountain biking (and belongs to a group that bikes) and is on the cross country team in school (anyone who wants to can join and participate - same is true for all of our schools, so meets are huge and somewhat social, plus he gets the benefits of learning how to set goals for himself and sports nutrition etc but it doesn't matter to anyone that he comes in as part of the tail end of runners). I think swimming might be a good sport too for some dyspraxics, but ds had trouble learning how to swim. Skiing is another sport that ds enjoys. Rowing might be another that would work (but we have no rowing here lol!). My older dd enjoys cyclocross, which is relatively new in our area... I think ds would like it too, but he's been too busy to try it out yet.

Anyway, just some random thoughts - finding a sport to add in where you can enjoy it as a family and take away the stress of having to feel like ds needs to be corrected might be good for your ds - confidence building for him, more fun for the rest of the family

polarbear

I can totally relate to this and it is something that we've worked on for YEARS with DS. Not sure if this has helped but we've really made an effort to model it ourselves whenever we have the chance. I play hockey and so does DS and like your DS he declared very early on that "he knew everything and didn't need to practice". We talked a lot about how even NHL players practice and are always working to improve and how I've played forever and I'm still learning and trying to be better. We've also tried new things as a family where DH and I are learning something alongside the kids and even though you feel ridiculous we've been know to say things like "it's fun to try learn something new".

I'll also say that I've coached hockey for 20+ years and your kid isn't the only 10 year old that can't figure out the left and right thing. With young kids I usually ask them every shift if they are on the side near the stands or near the bench just before they go on and don't even talk about right/left (of course it has to change when the periods change so that is still fun).

Oh, and many coaches I know can't coach their own kids Most coaching teams I've been on will put the parent-coach on the opposite end of the bench from their kid for that very reason. I've coached DS for 5 years and this is the first year that he has been able to admit that I actually might be able to offer him some useful advice (well sometimes...lol).

Good luck!

Yes, he does like soccer and I think that is easier for him because he does not have to coordinate his anything other than his legs and a ball. With hockey, you're skating and, at the same time, coordinating a stick and puck - it's hard! He played intramural soccer last year. This year he wants to try out for travel. But I think if he doesn't make travel soccer he will do intramural. I have been encouraging the soccer because he likes it and I do want him to have an alternative if hockey doesn't work out. I do think the hockey is good for his dyspraxia. I mean, what better way to work on coordination? I like to think of it as fun physical therapy. As long it remains mostly fun and not demoralizing for him!

Also, he is picking up skiing very well. But skiing is just a winter thing that we can only do a few times during the winter because the mountains are about two hours away.

Thanks for all your thoughts, Polarbear! How is your DS doing these days?

Wow so great to have a hockey dad and coach weigh in! I should have known - you being Canadian and all! I like your advice and thoughts. And it is certainly a relief to know he is no the only squirt still struggling with where to stand during a face off!