Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Negative interations in 6th grade

DD10 is attempting to navigate the social waters of 6th grade in middle school. As stated in other posts, she is snarky, and I am afraid is becoming more negative. She and another girl have been butting heads for several months, and now DD has stated that this girl has attempted to push her down the stairs. We have not interfered in the situation, but when I hear that physical force has entered the scene, I want to email the principal. DH wants to know why this girl pushed DD (what did DD do to set the girl off). I do too, but I still want to deal with potential harm. About a month ago another boy inappropriately touched DD, and the principal jumped on it immediately. Now I need to contact the school yet again, and I am concerned about the "that parent" persona I might become. In addition, the AIG teacher is creating a lunch bunch for DD to help her with social skills.

Sometimes I wonder if the grade skip was the right thing to do, but the age appropriate grade wasn't working well either.

Is it ok to just say I'm tired??

I would love to hear from you all as you bring up angles I may not have thought of on my own (being in the midst of things).

A PS - DD10 does have one good friend who unfortunately is on another 6th grade team so she has some friendship skills!!

Schools need to hear about actual risk of harm. You also don't know what else is going on, such as if other children are also at risk from the other child, or if this is a child who is in need of some kind of support, but isn't manifesting it in some way that is noticeable to adults. Your measured, but sincere, expression of concern, not only for the safety of your child, but for the emotional health of the other child, and the problem-solving skills of both children, may be important to the health and safety of many children besides your own. And it helps when schools hear reports that don't accuse in black and white terms, but simply state, in a matter-of-fact way, what your child told you. It tends to be received better when there is acknowledgment that the truth of the situation is likely more layered than we know.

E.g., On ---, my child reported that this happened. I'm concerned about both children. Let's talk.

Thank you both for your responses. We don't have school today thanks to the big snow storm so I talked a bit with DD this morning and asked her some more questions. She absolutely did not want to discuss it again ("I already answered your question once, and I don't wish to talk about it!"), but it sounds like both girls are really on edge. My DD reports that the other girl claims DD kicked her months ago (DD says she doesn't think she did), and DD states the girl did indeed try to push her down the stairs, and told DD "Well, you deserved it." Other than that I got very little new information. I will write my email carefully as you all recommend. The were put at the same table in one class which I think is not the best idea.

DD has never ever gotten in trouble at school, BTW. She always received rewards for behavior. I admit this new situation worries me.

Another perspective you need to add into the situation is that 6th grade girls are very defensive when a new perceived threat enters the class. It is also the start of hormonal changes so there is a lot of snarkiness on all sides.
Rather than pushing your DD to answer more specifics about the incident ask her about the girl she is having problems with. What is her personality like, how does she behave in class, is she a good student, and popular or is she a loner and having trouble in class. If she feels like your DD took her place in the social dynamics of the room, there will be trouble all year long. Similarly, if she feels that it isn't fair that your DD is fitting in so well and doing so well then she could be reacting due to jealousy that she isn't able to be as successful. Also,she maybe a gifted girl who decided she needed to hide her brains to fit in and now sees that it is possible to be smart and not have to hide and she is upset with her decision. Middle school is really tough for all girls, but especially smart ones.
Good luck.

You've received good advice above. One thing I'll add - the reason this is happening this year and might not have happened before might not be directly related to the grade skip, but instead might be related to a change in school and a different school culture surrounding how students' social-emotional needs are met and handled. Part of that might be due simply to it being middle school vs elementary where children are all with the same teacher all day vs changing classes and teachers seeing lots of students for short periods of time - or it might be due to attitude of the administration and emphasis (or lack of it) of inclusiveness etc.

In this situation, I would probably actually try to talk to the school staff first, rather than starting with an email - but if an email is what's needed to schedule a meeting to talk, then definitely email! You need to know what the situation looks like from the teachers' perspective, and you need to talk in person in order to get a better understanding of how the school handles this type of issue.

Best wishes,

polarbear

It is very important to create a paper trail about this - next time, your DD might try to defend herself simply in order not to be pushed down the stairs and may end up pushing the other child, and she might end up to be the one in trouble, because a teacher sees only the end of the altercation, or the other kid gets hurt, or the other child's parents storm into school demanding them to crack down on your DD. It's always best to be proactive in these cases.