Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional good things happen, too

An update, the bad and the good:

Bad
I've concluded that focusing on what the school should or should not be doing is a waste of energy. It's too draining, emotionally, and time-consuming, mentally, to fret about the justice/injustice of the situation.

I reached this conclusion after receiving the Notice of Action (evaluation refused), which said "immediately contact if you disagree," making contact via email, and receiving no response whatsoever. I can only assume that the SPED processor would not ignore my inquiry if this wasn't supported by the district culture.

Good
DS seems to be improving on the organizational piece of the puzzle. More assignments are being handed in during school and so there is less scanning/emailing taking place.

We accidentally stumbled upon something that *might* be making a huge difference: a page of his planner was destroyed, so for that week, I created a replacement page with no visual clutter, that followed the actual order of his classes and gave him much more room to write. Voila! Suddenly the planner makes sense. Suddenly he can remember what he wrote in the planner to begin with, and can tell me verbatim without looking. Coincidence? I don't know or care. I think it was spaghetti who suggested the custom planner--best tip ever.

Important: DS is slowly coming out of his shell a little, and actually DISCUSSING with me when he feels overwhelmed, and is willing to analyze a bit. He even made the connection that his (severe) seasonal allergies have an impact on his attention/focus and that "of course" he'd feel stressed on a day with several major assignments, test, and quizzes all happening.

Even More Important: DS is starting to tell me about odd interactions with teachers, in detail. Most recently, he explained that there is a very difficult dance-type move used as a warm-up in PE, and that it's the bane of his existence because he can't do it. PE teacher asked why he's not doing it, he told PE teacher because he doesn't *want* to (he doesn't want to, because he can't--ha). I explained maybe telling teacher it's difficult for him would be a better response but he's not ready for that level of vulnerability.

Best of All: Received glowing, gushing email from science teacher about how much she loves having DS in class--that he is funny and she loves joking in class and he gets her humor and vice versa. It's a little ironic that his math/science teachers like him best when his strength area is really more humanities/arts oriented but I'll take it anyhow. My working hypothesis is that science/math folks are more logical and less likely to take offense to his blunt, literal communication style.

So, that is where we are at the moment. He is going to have a private SLP evaluation, and I hope we learn more about pragmatics and written expression. He is continuing with CBT therapist who seems very helpful so far. His new psychiatrist wasn't thrilled with my plea to discontinue SSRI for now but was willing to allow it. If we try again, or try a new one, it will be during an extended school break.

I feel like I've kind of given up, in some ways, but the stress made me physically ill. So, for now, we'll just have to assume the school is not interested in helping DS (although they are quite happy to complain, when necessary). Some of the observations last year's teachers made (DS is negative, other kids don't like him, etc.) appear to have been situational. Nobody is saying those things now--and he seems to be having a lot of social interactions (still all at school, but okay), several friends he's texting with, etc.

At the end of the day one has to be pragmatic and realize that Rome wasn't built in a day.

We got a grade skip which got our DD out of a particularly toxic situation with girl age peers but it wasn't enough for her academic development. We have pragmatically chosen to go along with the school because social development will be important, nay critical, to both current and future mental health.

But we have decided to enrich after school via AoPS for Maths and an online composition class for expository LA.

Not ideal but a compromise that moves us, albeit at a slower pace, in the general direction we need to go.

Above all don't beat yourself up over it - you need to look after yourself too so that you can better look after your dependants. When I was younger and fitter I was a lifeguard and the first lesson we learned of first aid was "don't make a causality of yourself becuase then you can help nobody". I tried to remember that lesson well and it has helped me over the years.

Chin up!

YMMV

Yes, or the old "put on your own oxygen mask first" analogy.

Ultimately, if DS is happy AND learning, that is the important thing.

I've learned some important things. A) the squeaky wheel does not necessarily receive any more expedient grease, B) ascertain which hill I'm willing to die upon and C) life is too short to dance with ugly...educators.

Could I be any more trite?

For the time being, am focusing on many positives. DS is a lovely child--will not allow "them" to make me think otherwise.

Reminds me of communications I have recieved as well, "call with any questions", etc. and then when I do, there is no response.

I think in such situations it is ideal to get out of the toxic environment, but if there are no better options, you are kind of stuck and have to make the best of it. It makes me sad though, that this type of thing happens all the time and these toxic school districts basically "win", because the parent is unable to fight them. You have to do what is best for yourself and your family though. I didn't really win either, when I tried to take them on. We ended up switching schools. I did feel better, though, in that maybe my complaining made it a little better for the next person in line. Maybe at least one person, in the mess, thought about some things and the negative effects of all the stupidity. Then again, maybe not. Maybe no one thinks about any of this at all.

Glad to hear that you are seeing some improvements and feel better about how things are going.

Thanks blackcat. Basically I concluded there is no great fit for DS, although high school is looking more promising. Complicating the situation is that quick, organized, perfectionist DD is really thriving in the program. Because, you know, it's a good fit for her.

Anyone who meets my two would suspect DS is more "gifted" (he's not, WISC-wise, anyhow). So there you have it...not all gifted programs are open and supportive of 2E students. Big surprise, right?

Nope, but some of them claim to be, like ours, then you get there and they put no thought into how 2e kids are functioning there. The LA teacher told me that a lot of the kids in the program are horrible at writing. Ok, then, why give EVERYONE the same 8 page typed research paper assignment with a strict grading rubic, if only SOME of the students are capable of doing that?
They thought that just accepting DD the way she was was enough. But it's not Ok to let a 4th grader wander around the classroom all day, doing no work, then inflating her grades. That's not doing her any favors. If I had complained too much, and insisted on interventions, then it's quite possible I would have gotten the "maybe this isn't the right program for her, the door is over there..." speech, but it never got to that point. I could see it wasn't going to work out so pulled her. DS qualifies for the program based on scores but he's also 2e and I know no one over there would give him interventions with the goal of improving. They would simply allow him to not do the work but give him good grades anyway. That's their way of dealing with 2e, and then they pat themselves on the back for being so accepting. Other programs are different in that they want to force these kids out. I didn't get that sense. They just had very little interest in doing extra work to help kids improve, or else they meant well but were way too disorganized.

This reminds me of my DS14, who is gifted but not 2e. He has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. Apparently some teachers didn't appreciate this.

For one assignment in language arts, he had to write a humorous story. He did and I thought it was pretty funny. But the teacher gave him a B- because she didn't.

On the brighter side, DS14 has a ton of friends, and they all seem to enjoy his sense of humor. So there.

Anyway don't be put off it some teachers don't get your kid. Others will.

You need to take care of yourself. Hopefully you have some time for exercise, a drink, and a night out now and then. Having a 2e kid is exhausting though (do I ever know this...) and sometimes vegging out in front of the TV is sufficient relief. But the point is, take care of yourself too.

DS sounds like he is going to turn out fine, in spite of school, not necessarily because of it. The challenge is getting him from here to there.

My son went through all the editorial iterations when he submitted a short story for the high school literary magazine. All the student editors loved it. It went to the faculty sponsor for final approval; she wrote "i don't get it" and that was that. Sigh. But he went on to write and produce a play in college, so the experience didn't keep him down for long.

Thank you for the reframe! This decision really made itself. I simply don't have the time or resources to spend 100% of each on DS, especially since nothing was helping (at least in terms of 504/IEP), anyhow.


The mental image of little DS whipping out the 504 made me giggle. He is extraordinarily passive. I don't know exactly how to encourage self-advocacy, but maybe the signs he's showing, in terms of a little more self-awareness, are a first step.


Yes, I think the most shocking part of The Year From Hell was that, in the past, his teachers seemed to get him and like him (despite himself, sometimes). I'd expected the gifted teachers to get him *more* but that was not the case.

I will add, though, that this year he has a couple of more seasoned gifted teachers on board--and they (so far) have not said he is doing anything offensive or unexpected.


Not sure if PTSD-induced tachycardia counts as cardio... but yes, a little down time and "time off" from 2E, very important. I'm leaning toward an abundance of cats and audiobooks, since even keeping eyes open for TV is a stretch at the moment. I wonder how many Crazy Cat Ladies had children with disabilities? Maybe there's a thesis in there, somewhere...


I'm glad your DS is resilient. I think mine is, too--he doesn't seem to take it to heart much when teachers don't like/get him. The neuropsychologist mentioned in her report that DS "has decided people either like him, or they don't, and there's nothing he can do to change that." I'm pretty sure she was using that as of evidence of his social deficit, but I think there is something okay about that. Surely it's healthier than constantly trying to change oneself, self-loathing, or futile people-pleasing.

He's done some amusing things this year, trying to learn from past mistakes. One: a teacher complaint from last year was that he wrote IDK on many test responses (and she was convinced this was laziness). I explain to DS this is perceived as being smart-alecky or lazy. So now his strategy is to write a lengthy, apologetic "I am sorry, but I don't remember enough details to answer this question properly." LOL, DS. Even this could be seen as being a smart @$$ but he's trying, so I'm leaving it alone.

He will absolutely NOT attempt an (essay) answer unless he is positive he knows every nook and cranny of it. Next on our list of goals (I'm enlisting help for this one--namely Uncle who shares a very similar profile and sense of humor with DS)--learn the fine art of BS.

DS doesn't understand that he would receive a lot of credit just for his command of language. So we are going to teach him how to answer a question without actually saying anything. I graduated with honors in English using just this method...but I was more savvy than DS. Of course, that is true of [insert any inanimate object here]. So DS' curriculum will be "learn to play the game." Now he knows there *is* a game, so that is learning, too. Right?


I hope. And yes. Never a dull moment.