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I like this! I'm definitely going to have this talk with DS. We've already discussed the fallacy of "too young" (there are almost always other objective criteria that can be referenced logically, instead), but I hadn't thought of a good way to in innoculate against sexism. Thanks!

My advice would be: Treat her like a human being, not as a girl.

Also: Internalize the message that girls are just as good as boys, so when she expresses her concerns, your reaction is natural.

For example, my DD was 6 or 7, I think, when she was exposed to the notion that dads are supposed to prefer sons. She'd probably been chewing on the question for a while before she asked me if I wished she'd been born a boy. My answer: "If you'd been born a boy, then I would have played football with you, wrestled with you, taught you to hit a baseball, played violent video games with you, done computer stuff with you, put together or fixed things with you..."

And DD had a grin on her face as this list kept going on, because they're all clearly things that are usually in the "boy" category, yet we had been doing all of those things for years. And before she could wonder if I was trying to turn her into a boy or something, I pointed out how much her girl peers loved doing some of those things, and there's nothing wrong with women liking things that are fun.

What if a Girl Scout troop formed a FLL team and it performed well enough to advance to state finals?

That's not a hypothetical.

lol loved the whole response but this part really made me smile. My sister and I (both engineers) have joked that we were both the sons our father never had. I remember one Monday morning when one of my coworkers said he wished his wife would fix the brakes on his car like I had just done for DH. I commented that while I was doing that DH was cooking a 4 course meal while dealing with a cranky baby. DH and I both thought we were the ones that got off easy that day so it was a perfect solution.

There are lots of things at play but our parents (and extended family for that matter) broke many typical gender roles and stereotypes. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that many things are supposedly girl things or boy things. They certainly weren't in our house. Both my sister and I have a fierce streak of "oh, you don't think I can do x, I'll show you" in us which I feel was encouraged if not actually taught somehow but don't ask me how. I'm still trying to figure it out so I can somehow pass it on to both my DS and DD.

I have encountered some mostly minor sexism in the workplace. However, for the most part I've been lucky that most of my career has been in places where skills and competence were valued and rewarded above all else. Speaking with friends in more female dominated professions, politics and other horrific behavior isn't just limited to men being sexist towards women. Many of their stories are completely foreign and shocking to me and IME men don't have a monopoly on sexist and/or nasty behavior. It has really made me appreciate the workplaces that I've been lucky enough to be a part of.

Dude, a local all-girl Catholic high school in my city has a top notch FIRST Robotics team. The first year my D was in Robotics (different local high school), these girls in pink t-shirts & tights and black skirts finished in the top 3 out of 60 teams at a regional competition. My D was stoked just watching them. I happen to be wearing one of their team t-shirts right now (volunteered for FIRST, and got the team to give me a shirt because I think they are so cool!). My D did FIRST at her school, and definitely did have to push some to get to work on the design and build teams (I don't think she aspired to drive). But it was worth it -- I think FIRST gave her the confidence to apply to and attend a top STEM college.

I agree. Those situations, in my mind, are a reflection of the problem -- however, the underlying problem to be solved is that capable girls are not involved in math/coding/etc.

Someone told me their son was once on a sports team with all boys and one girl, who was quite good at the (contact) sport. Whenever she did particularly well up against another player, she'd casually toss her golden curls at them when they walked out after the game, shocked to be beaten by a girl. Personally, I would've joined every boys' sports team in town if I was athletic (pretty big if).

On another note, though, I think it's also important to tell both girls and boys that it is okay to do things stereotypically of their gender as long as they are not limiting themselves TO those activities. I'd be perfectly fine with a boy or girl who programs computers to bake pink, glittery cupcakes, because those shouldn't be mutually exclusive activities. However, it is much, much easier for girls to be discouraged in STEM pursuits, and boys in "feminine" ones.

I've worked in the IT field for 25 years (omg, I'm old). Since before I graduated from college.

I've had a few sexist experiences along the way, but only a few. In my experience (and in my experience only) I believe that there's a correlation between age and sexism (when I was young in the industry, colleagues from my dad's generation or older -- nearing retirement -- were more likely to have sexist attitudes). And there's an inverse correlation between intelligence and sexism (the smarter my colleagues were the less likely they were to have sexist attitudes). My industry is highly self-selecting for intelligence, which puts me in the fortunate position of working in a bubble of really smart people (many who are much smarter than I am).

The public education system has no such filtering, which makes me guess that those sexist attitudes are more common. My daughter's experience corroborates that. This could be the reason that fewer girls make it into those fields to begin with, which is reflected in the hiring practices of companies. Of course that doesn't mean there aren't sexist tech companies. There most certainly are. But my insider's point of view is that my problems as a woman are far fewer at work than in society at large.

* Disclaimer for full transparency. I'm not a programmer or engineer. I came to tech through the side door of documentation / usability and all my technical knowledge has come through years of osmosis.

DD's chess team organizer was also excited to have a girl in the team.

I am sure you're right. But for an 11yo boy to do these things, someone has to introduce him to these concepts and he has to think they are socially acceptable to do. You brought your son to these things to some extent, I am very sure. It may also be the case that his peer group is interested in them or they are dicussed in his peer group. All this is less likely for girls. Culturally, there is a divide. Children at the age of 9-11 are very gender-segregated, which I personally find annoying (and btw all the pink/blue toys and "men and women are from different planets" stuff doesn't help, IMO). If computers are not what is done by girls, then computers will not be what is done by (most) girls. It doesn't mean girls can't do it, it means they won't-- just as most 9-11 yo boys will not be found refining their drawing skills by drawing outfits and manga girls or practicing their singing in chorus or private voice lessons or their ballet. (But they could, if they wanted to.) Your argument doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.

It's not a hypothetical *AT ALL*. It's happened. My FIRST team competed against them and lost

FWIW, we had girls and boys (about an even split) on my ds' FIRST team. The teams were open to any kids who wanted to sign up. We had kids who were more interested in working on the project than programming and vice versa, but there was no gender-trend for either.

polarbear