Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Identification, Testing & Assessment What to tell DD about being G - help!

I don't like the word "gifted" for reasons described above but gladly use it in forums or with others who have experienced it in all its good and bad angles. It's an excellent code word. I remember an older colleague asking me, after I had been guardedly talking about DS "so is he gifted?" You can imagine how it felt to be able to talk openly after that, and to learn his now-grown children were as well!

DS has been told that he has a lot of ability in certain areas and that we are working with the schools, camps, etc. to make sure that his mind gets to use that ability and grow at the speed it is capable of growing. Or something to that effect. He's been partially accelerated, and now that he's been to gifted programs, he gets that others are also. Although we have talked about it matter-of-factly and said it isn't something to brag about, we did learn that he told a new group that he was the smartest in his class! Drat. We have never said that, although he may well be, so I'm guessing he observed it. Fortunately, the kids still like him. :-o

I work at home, and so was in the schoolyard every day for 7 years. The things the other kids - and their parents! - said to me about DS.... whew. Not bad things - we have an exceptionally kind and tolerant neighbourhood of kids. But the kids ALWAYS know who's different. They are very, very aware. They talk to each other, they talk to their parents, and they talk to me. Your child knows they're different, too.

What they may not know is why. And they are likely to come up with a lot of reasons why they just don't seem to be able to fit it and be like everyone else, and most of them probably won't be good.

So while I never wanted to use the G word with my children, our psych used it very matter-of-factly with them, and now, so do I. I talk to them very honestly and straightforwardly about both their E's, so they can understand and accept what makes them different is not good or bad, it's simply how their brains work. Some things are easier for them and others are harder, and we test because we want to understand how they learn and support that as well as we can.

I don't recall ever specifically using the term "gifted" with our children, but they do have some idea that their skills and capacities are out of the norm. Then again, in our extended family, they are really near the middle of the curve, if not a little below (depending on how far from the nuclear family we take "extended"), so maybe not that far out of some norm. I am not averse to using the label, but it hasn't been a necessary construct for us, mainly because we have structured their formal educational experiences so that as many of the predictable obstacles as can be have been avoided, and been in situations that have allowed them to be successfully avoided.

The language we use is also heavily influenced by my own childhood experiences, which were based on the principles that
1. Each human being is equally valuable, simply on the basis of her humanity, without reference to skills, talents, physical qualities, gender, class, etc.
2. Native abilities ("gifts") are accompanied by the responsibility to develop them, with the purpose of doing good, in proportion to the magnitude of the gift. (AKA, "with great power comes great responsibility")

There are numerous permutations of the responsibility one bears, including being intentionally respectful and gentle to those who have not been provided with the same abilities or opportunities. And respecting oneself and one's own gifts enough to embrace them.

I have gradually increased the depth of discussions around this topic as my DD's maturity and ability to comprehend it has increased.

At first it was 'we think about things more than most people do' type stuff, blended in with stuff like it is just a natural characteristic like height, hair/eye colour etc and that she should use 'her powers' for good and not evil LOL. Also, that she should not look down at others generally and that while she should never dumb herself down she must also not flaunt her intelligence either - humility basically.

Lately, we have gone into distributions of intelligence and also the fact that it can be a PIA to be aware of stuff that others just cannot see and are completely uninterested in seeing.

I told my DS he scored very high on some tests. He took the WISC V as part of an ADHD evaluation and we told him in that context.

DS is often down on himself for one reason or another. Frankly, I just wanted him to know that he has some natural gifts and can go far if he keeps working hard.

It was also becoming apparent- he has a separate curriculum for math and has noticed that he is allowed it read harder books at school than most of the kids in his class.

We also have the ugly duckling conversation every so often. Not being one of the popular girls can weigh heavily on a girl's mind it seems. One of the two girls that DD is closest to in her grade is obsessed by this. She really dumbs herself down and I find it almost physically painful to hear about. I feel obliged to remind my DD that she Has a good chance at being a beautiful swan one day...

We never told DS his score until pretty much now when he is in high school (he tested when he was in 1st grade). Kids know when the pace of learning at school is not working for them. We just told him when he took the test that some psychologists were interested in finding out how he learns and maybe can figure out a better way for his teacher and school to help him learn as much as he can at school.

DD10 never even tested, but she knew all along that she learns much, much faster than other kids at school and outside of school. We never mentioned the G word to her, just told her that people are talented in different ways, and we will help her develop her talent well.

Thank you all so much! I've got a lot to work with here, and I really appreciate it!

The reminders that its ok to share her gifts with her are helpful. As many said, for some kids (esp girls) its really important for them to know so they can build some self esteem. I think DD8 needs a shot in the arm there, and she's not a kid who is going to hold her brains over other kids (her brother, but they are equals in this area, so she can go for it -- at home LOL). If anything, she needs to know its OK to be smart, OK to be different. She had a very rough year with a teacher - who even at our testing review meeting was down on her accelerating (even though every other person in the room was for it; oddly she was accepting of the idea of accelerating her in math, but not ELA which is where her significant strength is!). Its hurt her self esteem in ways we can't even begin to see, and I think getting some positive information - including what it may mean for her (subject acceleration, I hope!) - is going to do wonders.

I am probably in the minority but I showed my child a bell curve. I did not give her numbers, because I feel like the specific numbers are fairly useless, just a range. She already knew she was different, her explanation was that she did not necessarily know more than her peers but she learned new information more quickly, which is spot on. I explained it using a baseball reference some pitchers can practice really hard and will still not be able to throw a ball at ninety miles an hour, some people can. It just means she is one of the people that could throw ninety mile an hour pitches with her brain if she continues to work hard. It seemed to work, for now!

In our district there are plenty of administrators and teachers who are downputting to parents and students. Parents do need to stand their ground but it's often very very tough. We had a 2nd grade teacher who was at times mean to DS and another very smart kid in the classroom. DS was somewhat hurt; but the other kid was so afraid of the teacher that his mom was very concerned. It also depends on each kid's resilience. DS was just fine come third grade with a much more understanding teacher. It took the other kid much longer to recover his self esteem (according to his mom).