Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional coming down from the ledge

You all helped so much when I was ready to commit myself to the psych ward re: DS horrible year in 6th grade. Still no report, still no diagnosis, still haven't managed to have interview with NP to answer additional developmental questions.

But what a difference a couple of weeks makes! He is happy again! I see my boy again and it warms my heart and makes me want to homeschool (he will not hear of it).

I was sorting through old memorabilia today trying to declutter--and found a stack of kindergarten/1st grade assignments and saw it through such a different lens. In the "old days," when he responded to a writing prompt in extremely literal ways--it seemed cute, silly, and a little clever. Nobody thinks that stuff is cute any more when one is 12 and has developed an acerbic personality. Sigh.

Here is what I have decided. Regardless of what NP finally decides upon, this kid of mine has some definite social communication deficits, is a rigid thinker, and all-around hard to understand because he is so verbal (and yet says so little, really). I also believe there is some sort of problem with written expression but I don't understand that one completely. His writing does not "match" his intellect.So I will approach this from that angle, regardless.

Besides these neuro-atypical thingamabobs, I have realized something else about DS. He really has no interest in doing any sort of work, sustained effort, practice, etc., except when it is something he's decided upon or is masterminding. Even his beloved euphonium has laid untouched so far. I don't think he cares much at all about actually learning the instrument and excelling--he just likes playing in the band and enjoys playing music "in the moment" but not as a discipline.

I have no idea whether the better idea is to push him and make him learn a work ethic, or to resign myself to having an underachieving, free-spirited, but *happy* child, for now. I will not do what I did this last year--he either has to get with the program or he can leave the program. It can't be all on me.

Has anyone ever decided just to let their child march to whatever drumbeat seems to be easiest? I am really enjoying easy right now.

No, we haven't decided to do that--- but, OH, how much I can identify with the yearning to do just that.

Just know this:


it DOES pay off eventually.

Our solution was that when DD signs on for something, she's COMMITTED to seeing it through (for however long the commitment lasts, or however long parents deem it worthwhile-- we're not inflexible about it, but she'd otherwise be a total dilettante).

Piano and learning to drive are the two things that were much more OUR notion than hers, at least after the initial buzz wore off. She knows that we have rational reasons for insisting on those things (and we do).

We also talk openly about work ethic, and determination, motivation, and resilience.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but DD is awfully stubborn and man, does she ever have a temper when crossed. Her dad and I have the fortitude to patiently wait out her tantrums, but it isn't always easy.

It does help, thank you. I became so exhausted and overwhelmed with it all. My son doesn't really have a bad temper but he is SO passively-resistant that it came down to what felt like threats (and that is not my preferred MO--ha!) I guess they weren't exactly threats, but statements of reality: if you want to stay in this program, you have to do the work. This would usually get his attention, but it felt like such a heavy toll to pay.

I have no way of knowing, really, what drives his passivity. There were so many variables--medication issues, MS transition, puberty, depression. I do know that I do not especially want him to live in my (metaphorical) basement in adulthood, reading *everything* about his current interest, drawing, and asking bizarre philosophical questions at each crack of dawn...

This is a hard, hard job. I have privately nicknamed him Bartleby the Scrivener because he "prefers not to" on just about everything, unless it's been outlined, mind-mapped, explained to his satisfaction, and then enforced *perfectly* in a way that convinces him without causing him to decompensate.

I really do want the EASY button, but it does not exist.

This just might make the basis of a book someday... or some song lyrics... if he keeps a journal or portfolio of his ideas.

He may need to find something which internally motivates him, and can be monetized. Have you considered introducing him to basic budgeting... whether with an allowance... or a household budget... and possibly the types of jobs identified by the bureau of labor statistics along with salary info... or a similar presentation of majors and careers from college board?

Middle school is not too early to begin thinking, planning, preparing for one's future, according to books such as What High Schools Don't Tell You... and It's the Student... not the college, and college admissions counselors such as this one.

Glad to hear that you see your son is happier now that school is over. I've been there myself.

I've tried taking a bit of a middle ground since my DS16 had problems in 6th grade. We backed off in 7th & 8th grade quite a bit except for math. And I've made sure he isn't over scheduled and that includes homework load.

I've let SUMMERS be summer. DS goes to CAMP in the wilderness. It is the one thing in the year that makes him truly HAPPY. Tried a writing camp last summer and that backfired. He is supposed to do AP homework and study for the SAT later this summer but that is only after he is back from camp.

I've cut down expectations in English & Social Studies but not in Math & Science. Next year as a junior my DS will not be taking the crazy AP load that most of the other kids who were with him in his 6th grade class will be. (One mom described the schedule her daughter was taking 5 AP classes, 3rd year language & band.) This is not ideal because he is a very advanced reader but at this stage my goal is to get him through high school, emotionally intact and with a GPA respectable enough to attend a university good enough to challenge him.

blue: I am thinking that is the approach that will work best for DS in high school. I don't really think IB is going to be a good route for him (that's the track, typically, for kids in his program). He is not a high energy kid and fatigues easily, doesn't like a lot of busy-ness (unlike DD, who craves more, more, more).

So now we have to get through 7-8. Next year he gets to take two electives that will be exciting for him. Maybe just a little maturity will help? I've never been a boy going through puberty and not sure how it affects boys, emotionally.

I know his future is important but the now is pretty important, too--nobody knows what the future holds, anyhow. Balance sounds like a good approach.

He has a job this summer in a law firm--really my friend is doing a favor, but he's excited about beginning. We have had a lot of talks about how it's important to find a career that plays to strengths--and that while he does have to work on his organization skills, etc., he doesn't have to pursue something that is heavily paperwork, administratively oriented. He has a strong entrepreneurial streak and is very creative. And, oddly, despite his poor social awareness in school--is very good at "formal" social skills--gregarious, good manners, etc. It's almost like he will be much better when he can be a real grown-up, socially. I don't think he knows how to be a kid.

He is definitely going to need an administrative assistant. And a highly organized wife.

Eco, I'm going to write from the perspective of parenting my DS-- may or may not fit yours.


His passivity is not IMO a personality quirk but part of the neurologically atypical stuff.

We have trouble with:
--initiation (hard to start)

--not seeing the steps that lead to success clearly (being able to think ahead/organize/anticipate)

--not being able to organize the steps (much much easier to do what's comfortable than learn unfamiliar steps; worse in situations that have high stakes)

These are all EF issues very common to people who have ASD or ADHD.


I would try not to dwell on the long term future (and its possible specters). Rather, I like a 3-5 year planning horizon.

Look at the next few years, and decide what skills are missing that are needed within that horizon. Pick one, work on that. Let the rest be easy until that's mastered. Then pick another.

Our process is to decide what behavior we want to see, support that behavior so he knows what it's supposed to look like, and then gradually fade the support.


YES.


Yep. We cannot (still, age 12) say "clean your room." We have to break it into sub-tasks. (Pick up laundry and put it in the basket; all books back on shelves.) By teaching and reinforcing the sub-tasks you can work toward independence in a manageable way, with fewer freakouts.

We certainly cannot say "study for your final." We have to build a plan that divides this into reasonable subtasks, and then help him stick with it.

BUT I can say that we are seeing huge improvement with this kind of support. I am very pleased with this process so far.

I guess what it boils down to is a middle road (like Bluemagic said)-- not letting him get away with "rather not" but also supporting him in trying to do stuff so that it doesn't result in personal crisis.

I will also say that demonstrations about stress in new situations are not inherently to be avoided-- rather, they're a sign that you're somewhere at the top of the ZPD. Don't dial all the way back so that there are no freakouts-- support through the freakout toward the desired result instead.

This may, in some cases, be medical.

Excellent! You may wish to coach him to
- keep a private log or journal of his daily duties (as one would typically need to do for an internship),
- write a weekly essay on something which he has learned,
- research action verbs (such as this list from about.com),
- polish his descriptions (to a form one would typically use to present themselves on their resume or curriculum vitae (CV)),
- proactively purchase a journal or notebook, ring binder, project box, file, or some other means of organizing/containing/keeping his work.

Some may say that a focus on remediation is, at age 12, a more solid plan than establishing requirements for future supports and accommodations for his career and marriage.

Same issues here with DD11. Combined with anxiety, this can easily create an "I would prefer not to" situation.

My DD does not yet have a diagnosis, but I have found this website helpful with approaches to schoolwork: http://www.additudemag.com/

We chose to send DD to the less challenging magnet middle school for the sake of everyone's mental health. The difficulty level is not the issue; organization and amount of busywork is. I am coming to see that her "other" issues may mean that compromises will be made. That is okay. Not all the way to easiest. But easier.

FWIW, sometimes I think that we are trying to do is just stuff that most children need to be taught anyway but aren't. I mean, some kids are naturally really motivated and organized, but not THAT many.