Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Horrific sibling rivalry

Sometimes we plan our days around separating DS8 and DD4. At their ages, the bickering isn't so intellectual and cynical, but they do get violent, and....I hear you of how intolerable it sometimes is, and how it feels it undermines my ow health.
Oddly, DD4 and DS2 are usually the best of friends, and whenever they do fight, it is short and quickly resolved. There is none of that relentless attacking. So it is a cake walk to just have the two little ones, or just have the two boys, but mix the two older ones...sigh.
I did ask the psychologist who specializes in testing gifted children for her opinion on this problem, and her take was that DS8 felt threatened by DD4 wanting to be his equal despite being so many years younger and not being at his level in anything, and that his contentiousness was part of his unfulfilled need for having real friends his own age. She suggested trying harder to have him spend time with congenial kids his own age and not rely on family providing companionship, which at the moment is sufficient for DD4 and DS2 (who do go to preschool and have activities and play dates, but who are just as happy to play together) but not for him. I do work hard at facilitating friendships but the few kids he really clicks with are busy, too, and have other activities and friends...we cannot just send him round to the neighbours or the playground or anything, it's always parents phoning to set something up, sometimes weeks In advance, and for some reason he is unable still to ask kids at school to play for himself. I also see that the unresolved tension from school (where he apparently is a model child) comes out not just in his interactions with his sister, but also with us (his fights with DH are like these bitter grown up spats you describe, and he's only 8) and his friends, and I, too, wonder about the atmosphere in school. Not that there is much I can do about it, as we really have no alternative but stay in this school through fourth grade, but I have hopes for the congregated gifted program in middle school, if only for the mental stimulation that he's craving and missing.

Well, this certainly rings a bell. I know DD feels threatened by DS for the same reasons (for instance, he is as agood or better than her at most games--she's no slouch, he beats us too--and also reads some of the same books), and also, DS, while socially skilled, has not found many true friends. It is NOT his fault. He is well liked and I am amazed by how I see him try to "be like" other 7yo boys because he has no other options. But...he wears the mask, IYKWIM. DD has a much better situation and has many good friends.

Actually, I watched him with school "buddies" at an event the other day where he didn't know I was there, and I was sad for him. He was faking it like a pro. But I could tell he was not really having fun. It was a little eerie.

Poor guy. That is tough. I hope that he is able to find a kindred spirit soon.

I hope so too.

At the same time, there is quite a lot to be said for "faking it till you make it." People learn to socialize with more different kinds of people by doing it. It's not always a good time (especially for brainy introverts, a book is generally more fun). But it is very good learning, and can actually become more fun the more you do it.

Five year difference between my two boys. At one point there was a bit of "he can't read that...it is my book and he is 5 years younger" (which sort of meant that if the "baby" could read it then he, the big boy, was reading "baby books"). That was a short lived phase because then he realized he had a built in confederate to discus his much beloved books and at a deep level (not like kids at school).

And really we have set limits with the younger with some of the dystopia genre books (no need to read that stuff at age 7 even if you can)...and what is a good limit if not to be broken (or bent), but I digress.

I will say that if you fast forward to age 10 and 15 there are good moments and bad moments but the good does rule mostly. And they do move on to separate lives with different stuff to do. I think it is hard to live with anyone for years and never bicker. For my two it is nice to have a brother who is an intellectual peer. And the love is there even if the 15 year old isn't as demonstrative anymore about it.

My younger brother (one year) and I fought like you couldn't imagine. He is PG and I am (don't know exactly but definitely) not-PG and we always were competing for the same things: Keys to the car, attention, prize, last piece of cake, whatever. But now as adults he is so quick to say how much he does love me. He turned out to be an awesome adult and I am lucky to have him.

I followed this whole topic with intense interest - mine are "perfect" out and about, but oh my gosh, so exhaustingly horrible at home sometimes. The car can be the worst place as they are smashed in there with nowhere to go. Our former psychologist recommended something that has worked very well for us (most of the time). The girls (10 and 11) have to "earn" something they desire, be it mommy reading at night, a special snack, etc. They have to "use nice tone, hands to self, use nice words" for only 30 minutes, and the reward immediately follows the 30 minute time period. They get only 2 warnings and then "so sorry", no treat or book, whatever. It's the 30 minutes and positive reward that does the trick. I had tried using rewards for a whole day of good behavior. Nope, too long. Short periods of time is the way to go.
Perhaps this can help others. Now I am on to post about something else!!!!

30 minutes...interesting. We have used longer-term reward systems, but nothing this short.

I agree that it's good to learn to socialize with many types of people, but at the end of the day, it can also be tiring and isolating. You need someone who "gets" you. I think we are still those people for DS. I hope things will be better next year when he moves to the gifted school, but he's not necessarily into typical gifted boy stuff.

Just wondering if dd is having issues outside the home you are not aware of? I have a friend whose Dd went through a similar stage and some of it was triggered by an unhealthy peer group at school.

If we're in the car and the kids start screaming, I pull over and tell them I'm not moving until they are done. I can't concentrate on my driving when they are screaming and hitting each other in the backseat. Usually they stop immediately and I say "So you're done?" and get back on the road. If they go at it again, I pull over again. I think if you're consistent about this, and consistent about separating them in other places (or having a consequence), they will get the message after a few days that the bickering and negativity is not going to be tolerated. I know that's not the main issue, though...you want them to stop feeling so negative about each other about everything and like each other.

DD is fine, I think. DS is more likely to be the one having issues at school. It's been a bit of an issue all year.

They don't generally scream in the car....while there is screaming sometimes, it's really more endless, pointless, annoying bickering that sucks the joy out of life. "Why did you smile like that?" "I didn't smile. You're imagining it." "I saw you look out the window and smile when Mom said that to me about having a lot of homework." "I can smile if I feel like smiling." "You're just gloating. You wait. You'll have all this homework one day, too." "Well, maybe I won't whine about it all the time like you do." "GOD! You are SO annoying!" "Stop calling me annoying! Mom says you can't call people that!" (Mom throws herself out the window of the vehicle)