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Joined: Aug 2010
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I know this is certainly not a gifted-exclusive issue, but it does relate to giftedness in several ways. My children are 11 and 7, and quite nice to spend time with solo, but really pretty awful to be around together these days. It seems like they are just looking for reasons to be mad at each other. They are never physical, but it's like being with a bitter divorcing couple. Every remark (and this is partly where the giftedness comes in) is analyzed for hidden meaning, and they are so reactive to even the tiniest slight, perceived or real. They can fight over the placement of a napkin or the sound of a word, and with their excellent oral language skills, they will go at each other like lawyers in a courtroom. I often just make them stop talking about whatever it is and/or separate them, because it's so awful to listen to and sends my blood pressure through the roof, but that's not practical or productive. If there is an actual conflict over a real issue (they both want to use the same item), we can usually problem solve that. This isn't really about that. It's perceived tone, someone not liking someone's comment, someone wanting someone to stop singing, things like that. Basically, they seem to just drive each other crazy--oil and water. I should note that they still do play with each other, but DD is getting to the tween age, and there is some angst happening regarding what she wants to do vs. what he wants to do. I guess I am hoping that others have gone through this and have some thoughts. I have tried family meetings, asking them to compliment/do nice things for each other, giving them more solo time with each parent, and just having them spend less time together. They will start this within seconds of reuniting even if apart all day. 
Last edited by ultramarina; 03/17/16 07:13 PM.
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I often just make them stop talking about whatever it is and/or separate them, because it's so awful to listen to and sends my blood pressure through the roof, but that's not practical or productive. Why not? Clearly they are getting something out of the bickering, or they wouldn't do it. I'd separate them while also making sure that neither gets what they want while separated (eg the book they're fighting over goes away for everyone). I do this regardless of fault-- I don't care who started it, if everyone's behaving rudely, everyone gets consequences. 3) DS is cute, precocious, and charming and people fuss over him. This has lessened somewhat as he's gotten older, and I think that will continue--an 8yo does not get the same attention as a 5yo. But people will say things like, "Oh, I wish I could just steal him," and "I can't stand him! He's so adorable!" I'd also make sure that each child gets quality time with a parent, and that each one gets to spend time in situations that feel rewarding to them. It's important for everyone to feel valued. My bet is that it may improve with time, but there's nothing wrong with keeping them separate more until then. For sanity's sake...
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Clearly they are getting something out of the bickering, or they wouldn't do it. I guess, but if you're thinking it's attention, I don't think so. All they ever get is "Stop it! Both of you stop! I don't want to hear it!" or varieties thereof. Not very productive/positive/creative, but I don't take sides. I actually think they are just mad at each other and/or have negative feelings towards each other and this is how it's coming out. Separation is impractical because it's so constant, and we need to do things like eat together and do activities together and ride in the car. We have gone so far as to impose silence in the car when it gets bad, but it feels kind of awful to do that.
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Clearly they are getting something out of the bickering, or they wouldn't do it. I guess, but if you're thinking it's attention, I don't think so. They are getting huge amounts of attention from each other by doing this. And it is surprising the extent to which negative attention is still attention. All they ever get is "Stop it! Both of you stop! I don't want to hear it!" or varieties thereof. Not very productive/positive/creative, but I don't take sides. It's OK (and productive) for parents to show kids where the line is. Separation is impractical because it's so constant, and we need to do things like eat together and do activities together and ride in the car. We have gone so far as to impose silence in the car when it gets bad, but it feels kind of awful to do that. I've done it. (We call it "the cone of silence.") It is far better than the bickering, and again, teaches them that their bickering is unpleasant and unacceptable for the people around them. It is reasonable for you as a person to insist on civility in your environment.
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Hmmm...I guess I hadn't thought about it being an effort for them to get attention *from each other.* I'll think about that some more.
I'm trying to work on helping them talk to each other. I don't feel like they converse much, maybe because there tend to be landmines (someone will attack/correct/take issue with someone else). They either play, which, oddly, they play much more harmoniously than they talk, or they fight. I would love to see them TALK.
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I would love to see them TALK. May be difficult at this phase, but once they've worked through whatever they're working through, might be possible later. Right now, I'd aim for sanity and civility, and work up to the talking. Do you know the Dinner Games (little box of cards)? Maybe structured, gamelike conversation over dinner would help?
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We do have something like that, and we use it...I am trying to pace it so we don't run out too fast!
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Wow - my kids (DD10 and DS7) do this sometimes, but not as bad as it sounds at your house. My DD is also 'high needs' with a lot of anxiety issues that take up a lot of parent time. DS often tries to insert himself in the middle when I'm dealing with her - boy it's hard! He also tries to get DD's attention - a lot! He'll go and just stand in her room and of course then she'll yell at him to get out - goes downhill from there. I don't have any good advice, but there are a couple of books I've been meaning to take a look at: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/03...=yourparesolu-20&linkId=4YCOWSJBTYMZPFB6I really like Dr. Laura Markham - I find her parenting advice very gentle and practical. Her web site is http://www.ahaparenting.com/Another one recommended to me is in the American Girl book series: Siblings: You're Stuck with Each Other http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Your...4_53?ie=UTF8&refRID=0AMHXH2WKX5RWKH2Y7S6Again, I haven't read it yet, but a friend of mine said her DD found it really useful.
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I would recommend some serious family counseling before this gets any worse. Some for you on boundaries. Some for them on self perception and conflict resolution. Hmmm...it's bad, and I hate it, but I don't know if I would consider it extremely pathological. I have been considering it a problematic phase. I guess I did use the word "horrific"... DD is being evaluated this summer for various concerns, but we still have a while to wait. I would say that her concerns are a factor here for sure, but not the only factor. Are you implying that my posts suggest I have boundary problems? I don't say that combatively. Curious, though.
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