Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Horrific sibling rivalry

I like the look of that American Girl book. DD has their puberty book and it's excellent. I like Markham pretty well, but the reviews of that book indicate it's similar to Siblings without Rivalry, which I have read and reread! We can use that S w/o R approach decently for actual conflicts over real things, like "You want to go to the library and you want to go swimming," and it is relatively productive. But that's really not what our main issue is here. It's deeper and harder to get a hold of.

We have the same problem at my house and it is overwhelming at times. Now both my kids have entered puberty (somewhat early) which makes me wonder if I was someone very evil in a former life.

I will freely admit I haven't read this book (who has time with all the squabbling?), but I own it, and it is highly recommended by all my counselor friends:

http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212

As for "no talking in the car," I consider that a safety issue.

Oops, I see that is not useful info.

Have you looked at The Explosive Child? (because you mentioned yelling and door-slamming):

http://www.amazon.ca/Explosive-Child-Fifth-Edition-Understanding/dp/0062270451

Our counselor recommended this because she thought the inflexibility fit my DD (although she doesn't have the explosiveness). I have read it - some of it was useful in terms of how I think about my children - ie in terms of problem-solving skills they've not yet developed. However much of the advice I find similar to Dr. Markham, so ...

My kids go after each other right now, similarly, and I don't really understand it either. I think it's developmental and asynchronous and environmental.

My DD is very upset bc I spend "all my time worrying" about DS. She has a point--except that I spend about twice as much time interacting with her. She is chatty, explosive and emotional and DS tends to withdraw.

I agree that having individual time with each child is really important, and that they know how valued and loved they are--but with some kids (like my DD) the bucket is never full.

Yes, I have The Explosive Child. (Can you tell I own a lot of parenting books??) It is VERY applicable to DD (actually, the book makes me feel better because she is not nearly as severe as many of the kids in the book...but you can definitely see similarities!) but I have not been able to implement the techniques consistently. It was useful as a "You're not crazy/there are other kids like yours" read.

When there are neurological quirks in play, that can change the game. Some children's hospitals run "sibshops" that help children ages 6-12 learn about their sibling's special needs and gather coping skills. (One should check content for appropriateness, of course.)

When the sibling is undiagnosed, it's harder to offer a handy label, but it can be important for everyone to realize "this is how your [sibling] is" and "this is what [sibling] needs" and "I will always try to make sure you both get what you need."

ultramarina, no useful advice right now, just hugs. DS10 and DD8 do a lot of this stuff. Drives me nuts.

I'm almost finished reading, "The Secrets of Happy Families," and I really like a lot of the ideas in it. You might check that out.

I'm not a fan of "Siblings without Rivalry," although I see it mentioned all the time whenever this comes up. It advocates letting kids figure it out on their own, and at one point said that parents should acknowledge and act as a sounding board for a child's very negative feelings about his sibs. I disagree with this advice because I don't want any of my kids to think I won't defend them if someone (even a sib) says something mean about them. -- Just my take.

I'll admit we haven't had a huge issue of sibling rivalry (twin boys and a girl), but I see this with my nephews. An observation I have about them is that their parents ignore their bad behavior until it's a crisis and then intervene with yelling and punishments. If it were me, I would stop it at the first bicker by asking them to speak kindly to each other. A big conversation we have had is, "Is this the kind of person you want to be?" "Are you the kind of person who would…."

I also think when bickering or mean behavior gets out of hand, it can be because there's not a clear manifesto, if you will, of who your family is and what you stand for. Can you get your kids to buy into/contribute to the idea that you're a family where you do.. (positive attributes) and where you support each other in attaining those goals?

When bad behavior strikes, I get a lot of mileage out of being shocked. I guess if it happens frequently, you can't really be shocked, but I have said things like, "Wow… I'm so surprised to see this because you're such a kind person. What makes you think that's OK?" I want my kids to think I know they're kind at their core and that bad behavior is not who they are-- seems like if I do that, they don't want to disappoint me.

And a final idea-- I read once that siblings who are friends as adults have memories of shared activities in their childhood, which creates a basis for their ongoing relationship. I think the book said the adults mostly don't remember momentary bad behavior, but do remember the good times camping or building legos, or whatever. So if you can create common interests with your kids, I think it will ultimately be OK.

We have talked about how DD has "big feelings" and how it's hard for him. He heartily agrees. It's interesting because he often seems very blase during her meltdowns and will remove himself, continue reading, go outside, whatever, but I know he's affected. Mind you, he is not a totally cool cucumber himself all the time, but if he loses it, it last 5 minutes, not 30.