Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Sensitive And Extroverted

Does anyone have kids that are highly Sensitive and Extroverted (so that every feeling is obvious).

Are there special issues around this (i.e. bullying, extra life drama, etc)?

How does it play out? Do you parent these issues in a different way?

Google Dabrowski's overexcitabilities. There are lots if articles here at Davidson and also at SENG.

Thanks. That was helpful!

I have 2 of them; DD12 and DD7. But, interestingly enough they are pretty good at masking some of their emotions in public but not at all at home or with close family friends, and their emotional reactions sometimes still take DH and I by surprise.

One of the things we figured out is that if we try to minimize their emotional response with phrases like "calm down, you're over reacting, just relax, you're just going to have to learn to not be so sensitive" or other such lines that someone pre-programs you to say to kids it only makes things 100 times worse.
We have changed our words to things like "are you sure that your reaction is the level that this situation needs to have" or on a scale of 1 - 10 where is this incident and so what should your reaction level be" and other things that I never thought I would say because they don't really sound like me.
We have been teaching the girls how to internally think about the situation they are in and figure out how much of a reaction they should/need to have. When we got them thinking about whether or not they really needed to have as much of an emotional reaction to things they began to learn how to better deal with their intense emotions. Does it work all the time - NO way, but it helps more often than not. It has also allowed them to understand that their intensities are not bad things, just things they need to learn to control and not things that they should always allow themselves to be controlled by.

Thanks. All tips are welcomed. We've probably been telling her the wrong thing. She is rebelling against the fact that she is so emotional. She sees it as something being wrong with her.

Kind of describes me and my DD.

At work, I am passionate about doing the right thing and can be very intense. I had to learn the hard way to soften my approach/hide my emotions and controloutbursts. My fatal flaw which I have learned to tone down is not being able to mask my scorn for pretenders and slackers - no matter how many pay grades they may nominally be above me.

Being way too old of a dog at this point to learn any drastically new tricks I strive to teach me DD better coping/masking skills with varying degrees of success.

My approach is similar to Kerry's - step back and try to regain perspective. I ask my dd to ask herself whether she will think what is happening in the moment that's is upsetting will be significant in 1 years time, 1 month, 1 week etc. is the thing she wants worth the fuss and risk of alienating others, and so on.

Kerry, that's great advice! I have one of these kids, too, and it's so hard. I think I've been reacting wrong, saying the stock answers, which escalates the whole event. I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one with a sensitive and extroverted child!

DD is quite extroverted and INTENSE. At home...oh dear, the outbursts, yikes! At school, she has improved at playing the game (be patient with others, keep some of your less-pleasant opinions to yourself, etc.), but she still sometimes cannot quite contain herself. On the other hand, she is a very vivacious personality and can be great fun to be around! She has the best giggle in the world!

We have been focusing on the intensity for years...because it makes her stand out and not always in a good way. If she were quiet about it, it would be fine...but she likes to make her opinion heard. LOUDLY, at times. Because she is extremely bright, she often questions things...many, many things.

She would be a disaster with a teacher who wants only kiddos who are quietly compliant. We have been fortunate that our schools have managed to find some wonderful teachers for her, who do not dislike kiddos who can be outspoken.

DD10 is sensitive and extroverted. DD is also extremely conscientious/compliant, so she compensates by being extremely self-controlled around adults, but obviously she doesn't feel the need to be compliant around peers, so she has issues there. Her extroversion does lead her into a chameleon mode with peers in order to seek friends, so that helps her.

I can tell you that, five years ago, bullies were a major problem for her, but DW and I discuss the problems DD has in ways that encourage perspective taking, taking a broader view and finding good in people rather than focusing solely on the bad, and in brainstorming alternative ways that particular situations could have been handled. In the time since, DD has turned some of her bullies into friends, and even the ones she doesn't consider friends, she has at least come to some reasonable accommodations.

I've been careful to indicate that there are some upsides to emotional excitability, too. It's the key to great music and acting. Channeled correctly, it can provide a huge advantage in competitive endeavors. It doesn't do any good to demonize emotional sensitivity, since all she can do is learn to manage it. It's never going to go away (and in fact, she's due for a MAJOR escalation sometime in the near future).

You've got that right!


I feel the same way about my DD - hearing her laugh right from the heart is like tapping in to the pure elixir of Joy!