Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion I am a hot housing helicopter parent?

Yeah, free, unstructured time is really important for kids. I know there are children who are so talented and driven in an interest that they end up without much of it, but I think it's a very hard line to walk and I'd be very careful with that if it were my own child.

I have been struggling with this question this year as my DD began Kindergarten in the public school. When I brought DD for registration, no one cared (or truly believed) that she was reading chapter books and doing double digit math, basic multiplication etc. She was age 5 and age 5 children go to Kindergarten. For their part, they tried. But, here we are near the end of the year and her reading skills are the same as they were in August, her math skills are the same they were in August, the science concepts presented were exactly the same as the ones I taught at home last year... and her behavior has regressed dramatically. In short we lost an entire year, and the only thing my DD really learned was that school is a place for socializing and no one will make you work that hard.

So now what? This school is the "least worst" place for her, but when compared to her potential she is failing. As it is, DD is only home from school for 4 hours before its time for bed. By the time she is done with her assigned homework, she gets an hour and a half of "downtime" before dinner, bath, reading, bed. If I move her bedtime and do about 40 minutes with her in the evening (I am considering EPGY)the gap between her knowledge and her schoolwork will grow even larger, what happens then? I have no idea what to do. The other parents think I am forcing this on her. They don't understand that she was simply ready to read early, and her math abilities are natural, so if I "teach" her something at home, it's because she has already discovered the basics on her own. I'm just building on what she knows. The work is 'just hard enough' for their kids, so by comparison I look like a crazy tigermom. I feel so unprepared for this.

I would have to agree with blackcat, that what may appear to be hothousing from the outside can also in reality be the parents trying to find an appropriate challenge for their child. It's very hard to make any kind of blanket statement as to what is/is not hothousing, much akin to Justice Stewart's "I know it when I see it" decision.

I agree that the goal of the parents is important, but how often are you actually going to find a parent who acknowledges that they are doing the afterschooling/Kumon/tutoring/pushing so that their child just looks better to others? And isn't it almost impossible to really know from the outside, absent evidence of some sort of abuse? Does every child agree that s/he needs to be challenged/pushed even a bit so they will learn study habits, develop a work ethic, and develop the persistence which will/may one day be required of them? Can very young children even understand those concepts fully, or would most just feel like more work is unfair?

I say this as one who actually *wishes* I was hothoused a bit in my youth and that I could find it in myself to hothouse my son just the tiniest bit. School is not an appropriate challenge for my son, his math and science instruction in particular is 2-4 years below where he could be. He has no homework because he finishes everything at school, he never studies and still almost always aces tests (how do you even end up with a 110 test average?), and has enough "free time" at school to normally read 2-3 books each week- at school. He reads more at home.

I absolutely *know* that he is not developing a work ethic or learning study habits and persistence. I also absolutely *know* that if you ask my son if he wants more challenging work, his answer these days would be no. He’d rather have that time to focus on soccer and read books of his choosing, rather than someone else directing him. Some of that may be personality, as I am that way as well. But much of that is probably because that is the pattern he has fallen into due to his lack of challenge.

Meanwhile, a friend of his at school is being hothoused a tiny bit, and he is learning, at home, the types of math my son should be doing and he remains much more curious about academics than my son these days. So while my son’s goal has changed from being the next Faraday or Sagan to now wanting to be the next Iniesta, his friend has remained on the primrose path, so to speak.

So have I failed my son by not pushing? I wish I knew, and of course unfortunately won’t know for many years. I only know that in my 20s I began wishing my parents had demanded more of me than the very low expectations of our schools. My son may be completely fine if he never lives up to the potential I know he has, or perhaps he’ll actually learn to push himself when a little older. I do err on the side of caution, since I know he’ll never be 10 again, can’t at 25 dream of playing in a Champions League final. He can, however, hopefully learn study habits at 16 and push himself to do more and be more at 22.

I find it hard to judge most parents who are, I hope, trying to do what they feel is best for their children. Are they always right? Of course not, but sometimes it's hard to know what is "right" in parenting until years later. Unfortunately, we’re really all just guessing at this point.

((hugs))

I have absolutely no guidance, unfortunately, as you can tell from my post just below yours, but I just wanted you to know that there are plenty of us who feel the same way and understand what you are going through. Kindergarten was especially rough for us as well, and, although the complaining has ceased now in 5th grade, the challenge has not gotten any better. I hope you find a better fit and wish your family well!

It is my understanding that this is a frequently-used comment by schools to encourage parents to allow children to slip into underachievement. It is also my understanding that lack of mental stimulation changes the brain and makes it more difficult to pick up the pace and learn later.

You may wish to study about advocacy. Other posts point to many helpful resources. A good first step is often having your child evaluated (IQ tests and achievement tests), providing a basic set of facts to work with. If you are in the United States and your child is profoundly gifted (99.9th percentile), the Davidson Young Scholars (DYS) program may be of interest.

Hmm... I don't know if I fully agree, just based on Madeinuk's comment about executive skills withering on the vine because everything is so easy (and many of them won't, without prompting, do difficult and low interest things "just because it's good for me")

I haven't read the whole thread yet so I'm sure other people have chimed in already. This, however, is an area I feel strongly about - I almost think sometimes the kids who are NOT gifted or who have dual exceptionalities that create challenge are the ones who have a better shot in life because they are forced to learn work ethic. Mind you, if you're able to accelerate your gifted kid at school so the challenge is there, then problem solved. However I speak as one of the formerly unchallenged gifted kids who has suffered as a result, so... I make sure my kids struggle.

Doing things that you have no interest in doing does not really help you develop a work ethic or executive functioning.

I think there is something else involved here.

Yeah, for some reason it is completely normal, expected and OK for children to sit in the classroom and struggle with the material. But when we give our GIFTED children appropriate, way above grade level material, so that they get a chance to struggle, it is looked upon as "hothousing"....

I get what you're saying. I had a teacher in elementary who always kept telling me, "You just need to apply yourself", and I'd think, apply myself to what? Third grade math worksheets? The work was much too easy for me, and I didn't know or care that I was capable of learning, or that I was even supposed to.
But eventually it was just like Pandora's box opened for me, I guess - and it wasn't so much that anyone had told me that I should be doing this or that or learning a particular thing, it was just...I don't know. It's hard to explain but...it was almost like I knew that I could be doing so much more, learning so much more, that I didn't just have to float on the river of apathy and fifth grade worksheets. It was that spark, that excitement for learning that just wasn't there before. Maybe it's my personality, but I sort of started to challenge myself, you know? That's when I learned the work ethic, the persistence. And I wish, too, that it could've happened earlier.
That push isn't hothousing. It's opening the door for your son. If you take him to math and he doesn't like it, fine, go elsewhere, but making him realize that you know he can do more and that you expect him to learn - not accomplish, not learn what you want him to, but learn those life skills and gain that knowledge - that's what you want. Part of that might require a sort of metacognitive leap, but it's not going to be pushing him too far. It will push him in the right direction.
You know he isn't being challenged, that school isn't a good fit, that he's not developing good habits and persistence. But does he? And does he understand how important that is? It's hard for kids to understand the need for challenge just like it's hard to feel the need for vegetables. But it's still important, and if you're thinking about it like you are there's no way you're going to be pushing him too hard. He just needs a gentle push - guidance, not direction. After that it's his choice what he wants to do.
I hope this all makes sense. I haven't read the whole thread, but...I hope this helps.

Yes - for my son it's ADHD, and this profile is particularly prone to difficulties with tasks that are not engaging. Requiring my son to sit and complete tasks he's not interested in has helped him in this regard. It's really made a difference. It's a question, I think, of "attention resiliency." He used to be like a piece of paper caught in a tornado but now he can sit with his homework list from school and methodically work his way through it (he's 10 now). Fyi - no meds (ever), and he has a combined-type diagnosis that was called "severe" by the psychologist.