Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Differences between public and private schools

I wonder how many parents in such an environment, if asked, would even know or honestly state if their child struggled. I've seen schools locally where there is considerable one-upmanship and status hounding over kids' grades, etc.

Also, remember that the grading system at the schools you listed is deliberately soft to encourage exploration and experimentation. There isn't the same pressure for GPA management as in high schools.

I'll add one more thing: kids in my class were accepted to Ivies, Seven Sisters, MIT, Carnegie-Mellon, and other top-tier colleges, and we ALL did well at them. It wasn't like everyone was slacking off and not learning anything in high school. Far from it. I suspect that our learning was more meaningful than what kids today get, because we had time to sit and think about stuff (as opposed to kids now, who churn out one assignment after another).

I'll also add that the excessive homework loads today are coming from the schools, not the parents. Mithawk, I agree that a lot of the stress is due to too much pressure from the parental units, but if the schools are putting kids into a position of having to work 10-11 hour days, they're at fault, too.

This is what I see where I am, although we don't know a lot of kids in HS yet. Fear, much more than hothousing.

I don't agree with this. One of my children has more capacity for activities than the other, and may ramp up the intensity of one activity in particular a lot (his choice). The other is more stressed out by commitments. We know some kids here are consumed by their passions. They may not have a ton of free time. And? Obviously, some children are overcommitted against their will, but...

As to second guessing, what do you mean? Second-guessing what? I second-guess my educational decisions a lot because I feel like I haven't gotten them right that often.

I'm not so sure that I agree.

I think that the "second-guessing" can also be a factor in any child who is an outlier. In fact, I have not seen any second-guessing among hot-housing prone parents I know. If anything, they seem to have a zealot's tunnel vision about the entire thing-- it never seems to occur to them that there might be another way.


Does this mean that--


there can be only one?






I agree with Sueev's post, by the way-- this kind of atmosphere (really hard-core hothousing) is both toxic and contagious where one finds it.

I'm also finding that it is sadly transforming higher ed as well. I had truly hoped that once the college admissions dance was done that would be that-- but not so.




We're seriously reconsidering our placement of DD in a flagship's honors program because it is evidently geared much more toward compliant automata than to gifted students. MANY, MANY of her classmates in those classes have been-- groomed. Thoroughly. They aren't there for the learning. They most certainly are there for the GRADES. It's very, very sad.

YES.

And I'll also add that I've met more than one hothousing family-- but that this kind of fear is terribly corrosive and contagious.

DH and I even struggled with the idea that our DD was choosing to apply to NO "elite" colleges. We sheepishly admitted that it was about bragging rights for us, primarily-- and were able to let it go, somewhat ashamed that it had ever taken root in the first place. It was her choice, after, all, young or not.

I mention that to note that we're about the least snobby people we know-- if it could get to us, it can get to anyone.

I should also mention here (circling back to the thread starter) that the vast majority of the students I'm referring to in my posts are public school students.

Yes, there are a few well-known incubators of Intel finalists in my state-- one private and one public, btw-- but most of the extreme pressured parenting is coming from places like the town we live in.

The other often overlooked marker of this kind of environment is the Adderall abuse rate. It's shockingly high here, if one pardons the pun. DD knew people who were casual about "study drug" use by the time she was in 8th grade.

This recently happened here, too, about something considerably smaller, but it happened. I think it was the right choice, but was dismayed to find a "but but but but" feeling. Had to reevaluate and think about who DD is, where she is in her life, and what everyone wants here.

Val, I have read and been told by a teacher IRL that it comes from the parents. In fact, my kids are at a school which doesn't have homework until middle school. This is explicitly told to everyone up front, it's part of the philosophy of the school, they screen applicants for parents who are really into homework, and they still get a few parents who are hopeful their kids will get homework and put pressure on teachers about it. A kindergarten teacher at an semi-elite private school told me stories about how much the parents wanted more grades, more homework and more drills, while the teacher had to try and protect the kids and give them a lower stress educational environment.

Howler, go and read about some of those elite colleges and you'll be glad she didn't want to go. They can just be Lexington high school senior.


Perfect example, I bet you're second guessing yourself all the time about your kid who's into lots of activities - is this too much, are they putting too much pressure on them, what about time for other interests, is there a team/travel program with less time commitment that will still let them progress and work hard etc etc, while the hothousers are saying "great, he's on the travel team, every day for three hours after school, let's get a private coach on Sundays so she can be the BEST!!!" Hothousers are all in, then they double down. Non-hothousers are "honey, you committed to the team, you need to go to practice" and "yes, I can see that your whatever skill needs working on, I can book you into a clinic if you like" and "I hate that he is at soccer so much, but he loves it and there's no other way to play".

I'll buy that they're driven by fear, but I also blame them for not stopping and examining what they're so afraid of. In my opinion they are causing the very thing they are trying to avoid (although, maybe I'm projecting and they're not worried about the things I'm worried about).

Hmm, I interpreted the unscheduled time comment to mean unscheduled time allowed by the parents, as opposed to by the child.

If someone saw my son's unscheduled down time, they would be convinced we were guilty of child abuse. But DS13 simply does not get mentally tired doing anything normal people do (very unlike the rest of us in our family). It is no exaggeration to say he could do demanding mental tasks from sun-up to sun-down. He actually has a NEED to do a minimum amount each day, even on vacations. And so he loads himself up with activities and has very high goals for each one (which we often discourage). He works harder than anyone else in the house, but because he wants to.

And he is far from a withdrawn kid--a girl asked him in class if he planned to run for class president, because if he didn't she might have a chance.