Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school How to be truthful and not squash the fantasy

DD4 both loves princesses and fairtytales, magic and movies and also loves to know how and why stuff is the way it is. Recently in Disney, I realized not for the first time how I'll need to ride the line between fact and fiction. She asks me "Are the people on TV real?" Which led to "Is Elsa real?" which led to "Who is the real person that does Elsa's voice?" and then "So who's this person dressed up like Elsa that's not Indina?" (that we waited an hour to meet).

Specifics of exact religious belief aside, we're facing a similar issue with that topic. Being both scientific and spiritual to some extent, answering the questions about "why god made us that way" and I passed on my curly hair because of DNA is tricky to me. I think the answer can be both, but I want to provide scientific answers if I have them.

Is this making sense to anyone else, or is it just me struggling with this and their imaginative and magic-filled preschooler?

Our DD was 3-4 when she went through a phase of constantly asking us, "Is that real?" There was a lot of anxiety around the question at that time, so she was quite relieved to know that there was no such thing as magic, vampires, alien visitors, ghosts, trolls, or whatever... it's all just stories. Thus secured, that knowledge set her free to enjoy fantasy without fear. She has gone on to become quite a fangirl of Harry Potter, Hunger Games, the Marvel movies, and other franchises with extremely dark and frightening themes for sensitive children.

So basically, the truth did not squash the fantasy in her case. It made the fantasy better.

We don't have the problem relating to science versus religion, as we are not religious. Thus, our DD gets best-known scientific answers to those questions.

I think it's very useful to offer kids your way of thinking about these sorts of issues. Asked about religious matters or other things that require personal judgment, I am inclined to offer statements of the form "here's how I personally think about it: ... some other people think ... Nobody knows for sure, and it's OK for you to figure this out for yourself."

We are religious--Catholic--and nothing in our faith is at odds with cutting edge scientific knowledge. So, like Dude'S DD, our son is fed a steady diet of the most up to date scientific research.The two domains can coexist under a spirit of truth-seeking. In fact, I'd go a step further and argue that religion and science ought to be considered in tandem. It's a misconception that science and religion are at odds, because they need not be.

We've never been proponents of maintaining fictions for children without their consent. (No Santa Claus in our house!) We do have a deeply-held faith.

Generally, we respond with facts to those questions that can be answered factually, with the necessary caveats about the scientific method, but also take into account that some questions are not really asking about tangible reality.

For example, is Santa Claus real? Yes, in the sense that there was an historical figure (the bishop of Ephesus) who quietly gave gifts to needy families. Yes, in the sense that our community uses the idea of Santa Claus as a representation of goodness, generosity, joy, and child-like wonder. No, in the sense of a bearded gentleman literally stuffing himself down chimneys, while laden with a large bag of toys.

And please don't run out and tell all your friends that SC is dead (like one of ours did, after putting together the time period of the said bishop of Ephesus and our present date!).

My DD4 asked me if Elsa was based on a real historic figure. I told her as far as I know, Elsa was partly inspired by Anderson's Snow Queen and she was purely based on his imagination. She seemed to be okay with that.

She is cut and dry about fantasy. She told her friends who were really into Ariel that "You do realize that's just Disney, right?" Luckily, her friends (4-5 year olds) didn't really seem to care and she's been instructed not to discuss Santa Clause with anyone unless they bring it up.

I tend to answer her questions with questions and it drives her crazy but that might work for your DD.

When DD asked about Santa Clause at like 4 or so ("now I want you to be honest with me mom...") I responded with a wink that the key point to keep in mind is that children who don't believe in Santa Clause do not receive gifts from Santa Clause. She smiled and we enjoyed a polite fiction about it for several more years. We handled the tooth fairy similarly. There was never a denouement because our belief was always a bit tongue in cheek.

I've always made the point that fantasy has a purpose, which is a tool for teaching us lessons about people and values and for stretching the imagination. I'm also with aquinas that faith and science should coexist happily in the mind and heart.

I think the biggest issue we had is that her understanding was more sophisticated at a younger age than her peers. This did cause some disconnect with them, but hey that was status quo back then.

This is exactly how we handled Santa Claus.

Ditto on both counts.

What I do with my dd is to carefully craft my responses. I have told her all of the Santa Claus stuff without lying, with such expressions as "Its been said", and "I've been told." I personally believe there is a value to figuring out fiction as fiction. It is much like figuring out a riddle for oneself.

Religion is tougher at our household. The wife and I have different beliefs. If it were politics it would be like Mary Matalin and James Carville.