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I agree that now is the time for this child to be helped. I also agree that until his behaviors are addressed, you should take care around him.

I will gently point out though that assumptions and judgments are unhelpful here. I am terrible at writing anything negative or unsupportive, so forgive me if I don't get this right. But I just feel compelled to speak to a possibility on behalf of these parents.

From what you've written, it doesn't look like you are particularly close - either geographically or emotionally - to the parents or the child. So they may well be dealing with issues they haven't broadcast. They may be working hard with their child every single day on these behaviors.

They may be advised by professionals on discipline strategies that are outside the norm. They may have found (as I did) that public displays of discipline set their child back too much to justify them. So they may take their discipline into private (as I did), suffering the assumptions, judgment and derision of people around them, because it's what is best for their child. They may well be in a miserable, lonely place.

A quick anecdote - my DS7 had a very rough K year, and was rough with other kids. We didn't understand why he had these behaviors because he was very sad about them. But we worked hard with him and his teachers to help him gain control of his emotions. Over his K year, with much hard work and love - and with incredible amounts of self-doubt and self-loathing - he gradually clawed himself into a more normal range of behavior.

At the beginning of the next new school year, as DS was walking on the yard, a new little K boy - who my child did not know at all - leaped out at him, knocking him to the ground and scratching his face until it bled badly. Everybody told me it was "totally unprovoked." DS - bless him - did not retaliate. That alone shows how far he has come in a year.

I was told all about how the parents were called, and the child sent home, etc. I think I was supposed to respond with anger and demands. But ohhhh- I had been in those parents' shoes. I asked the teacher, who knew both my child and theirs, if the parents were working hard on these behaviors. The grateful look I got from the teacher told me everything I needed to know.

I wrote a note to the parents telling them I know it's hard for some little kids to control themselves, and that it's so hard to understand what is going on. I told them we had some of the same struggles. I told them that if they kept working, and listening to the professionals advising them, they could look forward with hope. I told them they didn't need to answer my note, but that they should know I didn't harbor any ill will toward them or their son.

Now don't get me wrong - I also told the teachers to wath carefully and protect my son! But I do feel I did the right thing.

I am not trying to be preachy and you DO need to protect yourself and your family. But to help these folks,at least consider the struggles they might be having and if you want to help, ask first rather than tell.

I just want offer something from the trenches.

I really hope they aren't just making excuses.
Sue

I really appreciate reading your reply, suevv.

I was just going to say the same thing. It's easy to forget that there is always more to the story than what we can see from the outside.

Thank you, Sue. I love the compassion in your story, that is all too easy to forget sometimes.

Thanks for all of your responses. Sueev I really appreciate your comments, as it can be hard to point out things like that.

It sounds like b6 needs the sort of supervision you give a toddler going through a pushing phase.I don't know how you could arrange that though. It is better for everybody as the child can be fdiverted before harm occurs AND you always know if it was in fact your child who did it.

Dubsyd, I understand how worrying b6's behavior is for you. I have a nephew who had a similar destructive phase. It was a long phase from about 2-10 years old. He constantly broke things and could not control his behavior. At one point, when nephew was 8 and dd was 7, I had to watch him constantly because I saw him push dd down several times, and then actually jump on top of her once. He also tore one of dd's dolls apart during that same visit.
He is quite gifted and has also suffered with many physical problems and ADHD. He was really challenging, and because he is my nephew, I worried about him and his future.
The difference is that his parents were also worried. At first, his mother provided very little discipline and would "rationalize" (make excuses for, in my mind) his behavior, saying that he is really bright and likes to take things (like dolls) apart with his hands. I think she also felt like he had to deal with many physical problems so she didn't want to try to work on another problem. Eventually, after problems at school, she got counseling for him AND herself and became able to follow through on discipline as he got older. They have tried many different therapies with him including counseling, medication and even hypnosis. His father was quite frankly worried that he was antisocial and always would be. At his worst, I was afraid that I could never let dd play alone with him. But at 12 and medicated for ADHD, he is much better. He can control his behavior, interact sociably and respectfully, and no longer is the destructive force he used to be.
So I don't know if there's a diagnosis here or not, but I think it would be great if you could tell his parents about what you saw in the context of your concern for him and the possibility that he needs help. If they are already concerned but just haven't talked about it, your desire to support them may feel very welcome.

I agree very well put. When I struggle with issue with my children, while I do need to find people to talk with I try to find people who understand or are going through similar situations. I don't usually broadcast it to all my relatives or friends. I don't post on facebook about my son going to therapy, or that he was busy this summer getting testing. One year a relative heard through the grapevine that we were looking into ASD for DS and she sent me condolences. Really grated me the wrong way, particularly as it has been decided he isn't on the spectrum. And second because even if he was on the spectrum, it's not something that needs condolences. While this may or may not be what is going on here. I agree with the idea that it's possible he is getting help but you haven't heard about it.

Great post, suevv. I have been in the place of wondering whether family must be thinking judgmental things about my child/our parenting when in fact, we were very aware of the issue and dealing with it as we knew how. But it could have looked like we were in denial because we were not sharing concerns with family or disciplining in a highly obvious way (we often took the child away without saying much).

I know a lot of people judge me for ds7's to I letting problems. They don't live with it. I do however watch him fairly closely at other people's houses. And then some days I am tired and slip up.