Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "I don't like school."

Our second grader is currently at a charter that allows students to move up or down according to ability. He is in third grade reading (because of his poorer writing skills, though he easily reads at a sixth grade level), and a fourth grade math level.

Since school began, he's been complaining he doesn't "like school". When we ask for specifics, he gives generalities like, "I don't like to work."

We've had conversations with him about how work equals survival; as in, "If you don't work, you don't eat."

He understands laziness is not the way to the life he wants, so his assertion that not liking to work isn't quite correct. But, we are having a hard time teasing out of him exactly what about the work at school he doesn't like...other than writing his spelling words three times each, that is!

I've read that a child this age should "love" school; anything less is a "red flag" that should be addressed.

So, we have a p-t conference soon and want to bring this up. Would someone please tell me what they have encountered in a similar situation when they told their child's teacher that their child didn't "like school"?

I actually get more out of DD6 when I ask her to explain what she does like about school. When she is saying she doesn't like school she can't figure out a way to explain it either, but when asked what she does like I have been able to narrow the options down as to what the real problem is.
For example, the last time she was complaining about school we went through a list of people/subjects she has and asked if she liked each one, and if yes how much. (1 = they are ok, don't really like or dislike, up to 5 = love them) When I asked her about her teacher she scored low, so I asked her to explain what parts of the teacher were making the score low and what parts would she score higher on. It was very interesting because it basically came down to 2 little things that the teacher does that bother DD. We talked about why the teacher would do those things and how DD could better deal with them and since then we have rarely heard she doesn't like school.

You could also try asking if his dislike for school is like his dislike for a food he hates or if it is like the dislike of having to go food shopping with you, or some other things that he really doesn't like and things that just annoy him because they are boring.

Good luck. We are currently in a "good school" phase, but could fall back to where you are any day.

I too am having the same issue with my 9 year old and his answer is always "its boring". Parenting a gifted child can surely be frustrating

My DS wasn't saying he didn't like school, but I was having trouble getting him to say anything substantive about his day. One rather silly thing that worked: I had been asking him things like "what was the most fun thing you did today?", but then we turned it into a game. He had to think of an adjective (fun, hard, boring, interesting, annoying...), call it X, and then think of the most X thing that had happened that day. He described the thing, and I could ask questions about what happened, but not about how he felt about it. I had to guess what X he was thinking. Interestingly to me, this wasn't always easy! And it was very informative.

Agree totally with above suggestions for trying to get at the problem. One thought: perhaps see if the nature of the work has changed? Two things that particularly affected our DCs:

(1) In grade 1, the switch from mostly choosing how to spend all their time, to being told what to do, all the time.

(2) In grade 2, being given tons of worksheets - lots of repetitious drill in math, grammar, etc. For this kid with writing issues, so much make-work wasn't just boring, it actually caused major mental health issues.

You can't help (1), but situations like (2) can be easily fixed - and in our case had huge impact when it was. While many kids would rather be playing or doing something more interesting, at this age I suspect they are rarely lazy, and usually like to please the teacher. So there may be something in the *changed* nature of the work or approach that is causing problems, rather than a general unwillingness to work.

As you mentioned writing issues, could there be major increases in writing expectations that are suddenly flinging your DS from years in the "way too easy" over to the "I can't do this" zone? Been there too...

Oh - I know this frustration all too well! Conversations I've had with DS6:

me: How was school today?
DS: good
me: What was good? Did you do something you enjoyed?
DS: everything?
me: Anything you didn't like about school?
DS: Yes. Everything.
me: (in my head) Argh!

I get a lot more info asking funny, unexpected questions. Someone sent me this list once:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-e...m-so-how-was-school-today_b_5738338.html

Asking the one about who he'd switch seats with in class gave me a lot of info about how he sees the other kids, how one kid distracted him by being noisy, etc.

Also, little things can really seem to throw him off. He told me his least favorite part of school was 1st break (they get two 'nutrition' breaks), and this was because the student lunch monitors were breaking a rule about not writing on the white board. Apparently this made him feel 'weird'. He still feels 'weird' about it, even though they don't do this anymore.

This sounds like a great game. I'm going to try it with dd11 to see if I can make any progress beyond "Everything was good" or "We just did the usual stuff." I was using the Huffington questions until dd told me that she knew it came from an online article about getting your child to talk. End of discussion.

Our DS's school is not enclosed - visualize motel rooms rather than hotel rooms. So one thing I do is peek in the windows every day to see if I can spot something specific to ask about. "What was that long chart on the wall with tick marks all about?" He'll usually explain what was going on and occasionally this will lead to a broader discussion of school, friends, etc.

I have to be well-prepared for what I hear though. Sometimes I hear pleasant things about lunch with his best friend (yay!). But sometimes .... At base he has a visceral rage at how boring school is. When let loose, he will need some time to work through how "stupid and boring" school is, how his teacher will argue with him about facts when he knows he is right (this happens regularly), how he's not allowed to check non-fiction books out of the library, and on and on.

I think it helps him to let it out. We all need to vent about our jobs sometimes, right? But it's terrifying to see sometimes how much it seems physically painful for him.

All the time he says, "Mom, I wish I could just go to graduate school." I'm not sure he really even knows what graduate school is, but somehow he has sussed out the relative independence that can come with it.

So anyway - maybe peek in the classroom from time to time to find something to ask about? Opens the door for us.

Sue

I'm going to try ColinsMums' game, too! Right now I do what was good/not good/silly etc just to loosen her tongue. But she'll love that!

I recently played this game with our son and it worked like a charm! He opened up quite a bit and it led to discussion on ways to make school more "fun".
Thanks so much for the idea.