Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments school decision today -could you give input?

Hi all,

DH and I are betwixt and between. Hoping to get some advice from folks who have been there. Context: DS is in public school first grade. K was a nightmare. So over the summer we did assessment. He is PG and stealth dyslexic.

First grade teacher is much better, but DS still has struggles with boredom, sensory issues, and apparent dyslexic-related struggles including extreme frustration with writing. Drat you Common Core! On a brighter note, he has a true best friend, and generally says that he likes school. The Best Friend particularly has been life-changing for him.

We have identified a school close by that purports to specifically serve the PG/stealth dyslexic kid. They definitely have dyslexia-optimized education in hand, but I don't really know about PG.

They have offered us the opportunity for DS to shadow, as part of admission process. DS is adamantly refusing even to shadow. We have tried many different approaches, all of which end in (real) tears, rage and fear. Even when we assure him he'll only be visiting, he completely collapses in anxiety and grief.

The shadow is supposed to be Monday, so I've got to cancel today, if I'm going to. We feel a little silly letting DS drive this decision. But practically speaking, if this is his feeling, he's going to "fail" the shadow anyway. This is one intense kid and he wears his feelings on his sleeve.

It's ridiculous, but I keep wishing he'd have a few bad days at school so I could open his mind to this idea. But of course, it's been happy days (or at least our version of that) over the last month.

Anybody been there/done that? Should we just push him in the door and see what develops? Or do we wait until he is more on board with a change? Any input would be most welcome.

Thanks,
Sue

I haven't btdt, but I think your analysis of the pointlessness of forcing him is right. His analysis is right too - he wouldn't be just visiting, he'd be putting his foot on the slippery slope. Moreover, if you force him, it goes badly, and then a year from now you both really want to switch school, you're in trouble. I'd be upfront with them: "DS is so distressed at the idea of changing school right now that you wouldn't get a true imoression of him, and it would be wrong to forge ahead anyway. So sorry for the sorry notice but we must pull out. We're really impressed by what we've seen and we may be back." or whatever. I'd also be upfront with him: you make the education choices, but you understand his position, and he should let you know if he wants to talk about maybe going to the other school in future.

With my DD13, she (usually) initially rejects any option involving a big change to the staus quo. We've learned to present things as something we want her to consider, but we tell her we don't want an answer today. Usually, after pondering it for a few days or so, she'll come around to accepting the change.

Perhaps your DS also has a similar (initial) fear of change.

Best of luck,
--S.F.

Thanks so much to both of you for these quick responses!!

CollinsMum - You are really making me feel better about my instincts. And those are excellent ways to present the situation to the school, especially since they are going to stay on our radar for the future.

SFrog - we've had the same experience with DS. But we've been offering this idea in different forms for a couple of months. He absolutely sees the slippery slope, as CollinsMum describes it (no metter how we try to disguise it), and he won't touch it. I think with the better teacher and the Best Friend, he is experiencing a little feeling of inclusion and normalcy for the first time, and it is too sweet for him to imagine leaving.

I love this board ....so much.

Would Best Friend be in his class next year if he stays at the school? DS had this situation last year, and one thing that helped was that I kept mentioning the probablility of them being in the same class next year, and the year after that...not very high. So when would they see each other at school? For 10 min. when recess overlaps? DS is still able to see this friend outside of school (cub scouts) which helps. But it was difficult and I felt bad about it. Maybe you should keep this other school on the radar for next year and let it go for now, if he is generally happy and making progress where he is.

Could best friend shadow with him on Monday? It might be a good test of whether he will like the school or not if the thing he likes best about his current school is there with him.

Thanks blackcat. DS is making progress on social/behavioral fronts, and that is honestly what he needs most right now. Notwithstanding strealth dyslexia, he is well ahead of grade level. Also - DS and Best Friend see each other in after school care, where they are both likely to be for the duration of elementary. We know the family, and they're not planning any changes. Also - while the school hasn't been wildly helpful with DS's struggles, they have been responsive when I make suggestions that keep life easy for them! So if I suggest that DS and Best Friend stay in the same class because Best Friend has such a positive influence on DS (and vice versa), they are likely to listen.

So - it looks like you are right. Maybe hold for a year.

daytripper75 - you are a genius. I doubt I could make that happen on Monday. But as a matter of fact, I've been meaning to suggest this school to Best Friend's Mom because I see all sorts of similarities between the two boys. I'm going to work toward this!

Sue

I made the mistake of taking DS9, then 7, to test out another school while he was still in his initial and automatic 'no change, no way' mode (which can last a long time, as you know). The result was a poor impression and one less future option. I'd address the school per ColinsMum and work on Best Friend's parents before going near it again.

Taking kiddo there on a stealth mission a week or more before the shadow date, just to watch the kids arrive in the morning or be dismissed at the end of the day... may help him get a feel for the environment and also help prepare him mentally as he could then picture the school, the door to go in, etc. While scoping it out or "spying" you and your child could discuss that the kids seem happy, seem friendly and visiting with each other, that the noise they are making seems joyful, whether the kids seem to have backpacks, or anything else he observes that might help shadowing seem a bit familiar and encourage him that he'd be accepted and fit in.