I'm at a loss with no idea what to do. He gets frustrated when he's told show your work and then shuts down for the rest of the day. When he does his math homework at home he does the problem in his head and gets the right answer. But when he's told to show his work using any method he wants he gets frustrated. He is now failing 4th grade and doesn't seem to care about school.
Sorry Cola - I got side-tracked from the question at hand.
As a temporary measure, would his teacher maybe accept some kind of basic diagram or drawing? While it might be a bit contrived, it could be closer to his actual thinking processes than the methods used in class. Perhaps you could ask him what he "sees" in his head when he knows the answer, and help him find some way of showing it, as simply/ quickly as possible?
Some teachers are more flexible than others. With a few, as long as DS could clearly demonstrate that he knew their process and knew when to apply it, they would then let him off the hook. But he had to promise to fully "show his work" at certain key times - like for standardized testing.
It sounds like your DS's frustration in math is part of a difficult school year for all of you. It may be hard to really resolve outside of that larger context. Is there any chance his teacher would be open to a bit of negotiation about math, as part of a bigger discussion about how to getting a better fit between him and his classroom? For example, in defining what the teacher absolutely *must* see in order to be able to properly evaluate him, and what he can do to meet those requirements while being relieved of excess writing beyond that. And how he can demonstrate his knowledge in other formats.
After several years of these kinds of discussions, we are only just beginning to learn what we need to ask for, and how. We were not very coherent the first couple of years in trying to explain that with DS's writing problems, excess drill and "show your work" were not just a "boredom" issue for our special snowflake. Writing demands so much energy from him, that requirements to do make-work were painful and de-motivating to the point of creating serious mental health issues.
Another challenge we've found is that our teachers really want to keep the learning in the classroom (too many parents in our neighbourhood doing the work for our kids, I suspect). But this makes it really hard for us to help scaffold. Only after the year's worth of work came home last June did I realize just how much time and effort DS's grade 4 teachers had put in to accommodating his writing deficiencies. If they had worked with us and let us help with more of the work at home, we could have reduced that burden on them. (With 20-20 hindsight, they might have chosen differently!)
So what I am trying to say is that it's in the teacher's best interest to let you help and find ways you can scaffold. And to work together to pick some key battles, and agree on what can be let go for the moment. To identify some short and longer term success measures, and how you'll know if you get there. And to really see if you can agree to work together. Alas, I am speaking more from hindsight than experience myself, but I hope my learning the hard way is of some help. It sounds like you're fighting all the battles in every direction all at once - I imagine you must feel seriously under siege right now.
Grade 4 was a brutal year for us. We learned a lot, all the hard way. Abilities and disabilities both seem to skyrocket, dragging the kid in opposite directions, simultaneously. Hang in there, Cola! We're with you, and it will get better.
