Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Old news that's new to me: Justin Chapman

Oh, I would! Heck, I've had crushes on people's moms!

I look like a nut, but not a scary nut, I don't think.

Right? Right!?

I'm a bit late on this discussion - lots of family stuff yesterday - but I feel compelled to say a word or two.

One of the things I appreciate most about this board is how open people are about their concerns, worries, and insecurities. You read that other people have insecurities that you recognize in yourself, and all of a sudden you think it can't be so awful.

When I read Incogneato's very nice statement about struggling to find the right middle ground I thought - that's exactly right! That's just how I feel! On the one hand, I want to provide a rich environment - one where the child has lots of opportunities to latch onto interesting things that really speak to them. (Perhaps all the more so in my case, since I feel that's one of the things my own childhood was lacking.) On the other hand, you want to know (as if you could ever really *know*] that it's opportunities you're providing and not obligations. And then finally you begin to wonder - when it comes to the inevitable power-dynamic that exists between a young child and a parent he or she admires and looks up to - whether there's really much of bright line difference between these anyway. When I read about the Chapman case all these insecurities came sweeping into play. Until you read the follow-up report - and learn that there was all this clearly over-the-line stuff about stealing test answers and such - the whole story is very scary. So thanks so much, Incogneato and others, for sharing the concerns that you have, and know that I, for one, recognize them very clearly.

But thanks too to Kriston and Dottie. Because I think there's an awful lot of good sense in trusting your experience and not second-guessing yourself. And it's a huge relief to have someone say that so clearly.

BB

Yes BBdad!!! What he said!!!!!

I have been thinking about this lately, too. I just read "Hothouse Kids". It seems that the author felt that she was hothoused as a child and is trying to come to terms with that. I think she is saying that what matters is the manner in which the parent is invested in the child.

The problem is that no matter what the parent's feelings, reasoning or intent, the child may interpret the experience quite differently. I know from talking about this with my own parents that what I interpreted as pressure was not intended to be pressure.

As a child, I felt that my parents were trying to "fix" my flaws rather than accepting me. As a parent, I understand that they were trying to help me overcome issues that I struggled with. Did they do the "right" thing? I'm not sure there is a right thing.

I projected my own perfectionism onto them--easy for an analytical perfectionist to do. I almost think we can't win as parents. We can try to balance on the knife edge of perfection but we can't know what our children's experience of our parenting (or their interpretation of their experience after the fact!) will be.

Yes, even two adults can interpret the same situation very differently.

Master of None:
I too!!!!

Well, I think it's something that the really good low SES schools have found - if you raise the bar, the kids rise to meet it. If you lower the bar, the kids lower themselves to meet it.

The kicker for me is, when to know when and how hard to push?

Coaching or prepping for IQ tests and/or falsifying test results, as mentioned in this post and in this article, is a red flag.

Reading through this I was saddened for Justin and his tortured soul of a mother who did what she did. It is almost as though she had Munchausen (sp?) by proxy syndrome.

At the same time I was reassured that I am not the only person that experiences the 'am I pushing or is she pulling?' Or the 'should I just leave her alone to be a kid or should I continue to try to ensure she is challenged?' self interrogations.

Indeed!

I also enjoyed reading such an old thread. Those people were the old guard when I joined, and I miss some of them a lot. (But I'm also really grateful for our current "old guard," who are also awesome!)

Yes, but fabricating test scores as the mother did is a bright red line not to cross.