Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Dd has been down lately

Not just a one day thing, it's been going on for a few days now. I finally got it out of her, she says she's sad because she had no friends at school. The one good friend she has had has been playing with another older girl who can be quite bossy and a bit of a bully.

Tonight dd told me crying that she is odd and that it's like she's not even there (to her classmates). I'm so sad for her and I don't know what to do. I've posted about this before (social concerns) and I'm on my tablet so it's not easy to hunt down the past threads. Basically trying to figure out if it's sensory, she's introverted, AS, or part of being HG.

How do you know when it's a normal part of childhood or if it's something more and you should involve the school?

This is so painful for a parent to witness. How old is she? I suspect once she's in middle school and can join clubs, she'll find her people. Also, you can try to find summer camps where finding kids who are more like her, or at least share her interests, is easier.

My youngest was lonely in fifth grade. I kept telling him middle school would be different. I told him he would find his people eventually, even if it took years. It's hard for them to see beyond "right now," but I wanted to offer that possibility anyway, so that my ds could see there was an end to his loneliness.

This year, he's skipped into 7th, navigated through having to get to know a new class of kids, and has made some great friends who share his interests.

I hope your dd gets through this difficult time quickly.

Hang in there. I'm going through something similar with my youngest. I'm just working the problem and offering lots of support at home. That is all you can do.

My DS7 went through this terribly last year in kindergarten. He was crying most nights at bedtime and saying very sad and scary things to hear from a 5 year old. We talked to his teacher and got the school social worker involved. They were fantastic in helping him work through the issues he was facing doing things such as hooking him up with a recess buddy, going out on the playground at recess to see what was going on and offer help and support and letting him bring out special games or toys from their stash so there would be a structured way for him to interact with the other children. While he didn't develop a best friend, he felt much better and was interacting with the children more. The crying at night stopped and sad thoughts, too. This year has been up and down, but it has been much easier than last year for him. We met with his teacher before the first day of school to give her a heads-up and so she could be proactive with him. When he started to have the sad thoughts and feelings again this year, I didn't hesitate to contact the teacher and school social worker. The social worker would meet with him once a week to talk about friends and issues, and she started a "friendship club" with three other first graders who needed a little extra help with social issues where once a week they got together to talk about being a friend, played games to practice social interactions, etc. my DS loved it, and I think it made such a huge difference for him. He still doesn't have a close friend or someone he feels has the same interests as him (still feels different) but I think he is much happier.

As to your question on the cause, I think it is a combo of things for my DS. But in the end, it didn't matter so much to me the reason or even if it is a normal development thing for children. I saw my DS in such emotional pain that I knew I had to do something. Trust your gut on what your child needs.

I sent the teacher an email requesting a meeting and also sent the social worker an email about it.

Thanks.

Thank you MON for the advice. I appreciate you taking the time to help.

ETA: I don't think she's been treated poorly or bullied. Although the one girl who started playing with her good friend is pretty bossy and pushy and while I don't think she's directly bullying dd I can see how she makes dd uncomfortable and not included. Sort of a manipulation type scenario.... hard to explain.

Otherwise dd has never been bullied that I know of. The kids always seem to speak very highly of her. She just doesn't seem to fit in or know how to. She's just different.

I'm glad you've contacted the school social worker and teacher. Often, the social exclusion is happening away from the eyes of the adults, so they don't even know it's happening. I also want to remind people that bullying is not restricted to physical violence. In girls, it is predominantly social in nature (everyone's seen Mean Girls?), and starts as young as three years old. Bullies are often highly regarded by both peers and adults, as they can be very astute at hiding their manipulation and control of peers. Plus peers would rather be on the popular girl bandwagon than the target of her harassment or ostracism, and will join in bullying or watch it passively in order to avoid becoming the next victim. This may have been what happened to the former friend.

Oh, and I've seen a lot of children breathe a sigh of relief when they moved up to the secondary level, because it is often a bigger school, with a wider range of kids, allowing them to find their "peeps".

I met with the teacher today. The social worker spoke with her and offered suggestions outside of school that involve a taking turn type of situation with more than one friend that wouldn't allow dd to bow out. Bowling. That's what was suggested multiple times.

Well, for one... this is a problem in school more than at home. Yes she does still do better one on one with friends at home than if we were to have 2 friends over. But I can control and monitor the situation at home. Secondly, she doesn't like games. She doesn't like anything that involves competition and will not play them (ETA except chess but most of her friends don't play). She would rather watch kids play the wii than actually play it.

The teacher acknowledges that she sees the same thing with dd, where she will step away as soon as she is no longer one on one with a kid. She doesn't see what happens at recess or lunch, but I have communicated with the recess teacher and was told that she does the same thing during recess. The teacher didn't really have any suggestions as to how to help dd, only the stuff the social worker offered about outside of school. She did say she will talk to the OT (because I suggested perhaps it's sensory) but the OT is VERY part-time at the school, perhaps just a couple times a month. The lunch problem is that dd will often sit by herself (by choice) or if she sits with others she will turn sideways to not look at them. Once we were at a store and a girl a little younger than dd was looking at her and dd turned sideways to avoid looking at her. I could tell she was very uncomfortable.

Dd is very good at hiding her feelings and fitting in. I told the teacher this. So it's subtle and may not be as noticeable in the classroom.

Do any of you have any suggestions that I could give to the teacher to help with the recess issue? In the past dd has always enjoyed conversations with the recess monitor, she considers her a very good friend. But the recess monitor doesn't want them chatting with her b/c she wants them to get out and socializing. I was thinking of maybe having the recess monitor let dd chat with her if she wants to.

Or perhaps assign dd a buddy, maybe an older girl in the class (it's a 2/3 class) that will see that dd isn't alone at recess. Or maybe a buddy spot that can be designated for all the kids that they can sit at at recess that basically says "hey I could use a friend, anybody want to include me?"

I really don't know. The teacher wanted to really get some strategies to help with but I kind of feel that it may be important to get to the root of the issue since this has something that has been ongoing for as long as I can remember.