Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums College Young college student-- Rush-- Y/N?

There are certainly some positive aspects to sorority membership for many women. However, I think you are correct that the drawbacks/risks for a very young college student (and I suspect that her age might be a concern for those making rush decisions) who has a severe food allergy at a campus that has seen rape cases linked to their Greek system are reason to argue against membership.

Does the system require living in the house? If so, she would run into an issue in her second year, not being of legal age to live alone, it seems.

I would echo what others have suggested, that a service-based (non-Panhellenic) or professional sorority might be a better fit that would provide many of the same benefits. I believe there are now a few STEM-related professional sororities, one or more of which may be at her campus. Check out http://www.professionalfraternity.org/... although there are others that don't belong to this umbrella group.

LOL. Not that I'm aware of. It's possible that this was aimed at Dad, actually.



I really appreciate the info, everyone. This is helping me to know how to respond to my DD. I was feeling as though I wasn't handling this well-- or that maybe I wasn't being "fair" about it, given my bias.

You're absolutely being "fair" about it based on your experience, however, the problem isn't in your view but that of your daughter. The older she gets the less likely you'll be able to force your experience and opinion upon her and the more she's going to have to learn for herself, the trick them is to help her learning come with the least pain.

Once my boys hit about 15, we started having more and more discussions about calculated risk, personal responsibility, and ramification of actions as thought patterns when decision making. Those topics have been key in my eldest son's current mindset much more so than I'd ever dreamed they would be.

Only one of my friends kids/daughter friends has joined a sorority/frat. This young woman is at a a top ranked school with a high percentage of students in a sorority. I can't go into all the details. Mom didn't want her daughter to join, but she rushed and got into a sorority anyway. (Money is not an issue.) She is a gifted and hardworking student who is majoring in math, but taking pre-med classes. It's not going well partly she isn't willing to commit enough time to sorority activities. The one example is she signed up to live in the sorority house but was one of the last to be able to pick a room and got stuck in a quad.

I would certainly discourage her. But it's hard to make ones teenagers to everything you want. Perhaps suggesting that she really research all the aspects of the sororities. How many hours commitment are expected, at what times. What happens when you miss activities. How expensive is it? What other activities does she want to do? Clubs, volunteering?

It's quite possible that she won't be allowed because she is too young.

What about the unknown unknowns?

The sorority/fraternity experience isn't a one-size-fits-all experience any more than one gifted person is a carbon-copy of another - so what applies to your dd's particular university's sorority setup might be completely typical of what your expectation is, or it could be 180 degrees different.

I graduated from a STEM school, and I'm also a member of a sorority. My sorority is a national sorority which I suspect anyone who knows sororities would recognize the name of. My experience being in a sorority in college was *fantastic* ... and fwiw... my mother didn't want me to join for most of the reasons you mentioned:


Those things simply weren't (aren't) true of either my chapter or of most of the chapters nationwide of my sorority. At some schools yes, (primarily the big "party" schools)... but my guess is that's not where your dd is going. If you met me in real life you'd find me a person who is as far away from "Barbie" culture as possibly can exist

This is what my sorority experience was like, and what I value from it:

Service - my sorority has a national charity angle that all chapters were required to participate in. Left to my own devices looking for something to be of service in, it's not a cause I would have chosen on my own - but the service I did for it made me very appreciative to have had the opportunity - it was just one more small thing that helped open my eyes to the larger world around me.

Mentors - there were adult alumni volunteers who acted as mentors for our chapter - they were an important presence in our chapter during college in that they provided a bit of "mom" presence and perspective during a time in our lives when most of our real life moms were far removed in location and time. Some of the alums were also much younger than our own moms, but still provided that grounded perspective that an adult who is out of college can provide to a college student who's in turmoil over relationships or neglecting a class or whatever. And they did pay attention to our grades

Mentors again - through the adults who were local and participated in our chapter to the adults mentioned again and again in our alumni magazine (which we started receiving the minute we signed on), we were aware of the strong women with strong values and strong careers who were a part of our sorority. The focus wasn't even remotely on a Barbie culture, it was about becoming an accomplished woman who made a contribution to the world.

Connections - I honestly haven't used these in many ways, but those same mentors provided connections for some of our members as they left college and moved into their careers.

Friendships - I wouldn't have joined a sorority if I didn't feel a kinship with the women in it. There is an essence to each group on campus - something that makes one group feel more comfortable than another to any given student. I didn't find *all* my people there, but I did have very close friends in my sorority.

Roberts Rules of Order - a bit tongue-in-cheek lol! But seriously, I was not in student council or anything like that in high school. Sorority meetings were run with Roberts Rules, there were sorority officers etc - it was a mini-glance at learning how life in organizations work, and outside of that, in the bigger picture, good experience in learning how to work with a group of diverse personalities to accomplish common goals. Because truthfully, very little time in our meetings was spent on anything remotely close to Barbie-stuff - we had service projects to plan, events to coordinate etc. I served on our campus' Panhellenic board - again, it was all about service, helping out on campus, had nothing to do with parties.

The other things I'd take into account when thinking this through - you may decide that you won't let your dd participate in rush or join a sorority - and that's ok. One thing that hasn't even been mentioned here is $ - sororities and fraternities come with annual fees, and usually have one or two formal events through the year that also cost $. But even if you ultimately say "no" to joining or participating in rush, it's probably not going to be the end of your dd wanting to participate in sorority/fraternity events. Parties etc are open to the public - at least many of them are. And there, as with anything in college life, I think that ultimately Old Dad's advice is spot-on. You've raised your dd to understand and respect your family's values. She's developed her own moral compass and sense of ethics through your parenting and through her own maturing as she's discovered the world. This is where her inner self begins to really be "out there" on her own. She'll make some miss-steps along the way and she'll most likely run head-on into some people who are less than terrific along the way, but she's got a great head on her shoulders, and she'll be fine

At least, that's what we, as parents, have to trust as our children move on into adulthood. And moving on into college, no matter what your chronological age, is a step into adulthood.

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - don't know if this helps at all... but fwiw... as you know, we chose not to grade-accelerate our ds, partly for reasons such as this type of decision, mostly because I wanted to selfishly postpone his leaving home until I absolutely had to be up for it age-wise So.... this summer he's going to an "away" camp for the first time in his life (he's been to week-long overnight camps before locally... but this one is really "away"). He has a really nice cohort of friends, and they all seem still to be... very mature, yet very young in another sense. Back when I was his age.. oh gosh.. kids were having all kinds of sex and doing all kinds of drugs etc at my middle school... even in elementary school. That doesn't seem to be happening with my kids friends at all. So far so good with that. Then I read some of the students' experiences with this camp my ds is going to and, um, I just about freaked because there was mention of some kids having sex, etc. Yikes! My ds is still my very young ds (in MY brain lol)... and I was thinking - what happens when I send him there? Will he just go crazy thanks to the sheltered life he's lived so far? Will he forget all about the reason *I'm* sending him (for what he gets to learn lol) and instead bring back the memory of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll? Fortunately my dh, always the level-headed mellow person in the family.. chose to head off my panic attack by... mentioning that next year in high school he'll most likely be surrounded by other kids thinking about all that stuff, so we might as well send him off to summer camp to be exposed to it early Again, major mom freak-out lol! Friends have reassured me that their children from similarly sheltered and non-eventful childhoods did, indeed, go on to high school and summer camps and not go crazy when confronted with their first wild party etc. So just offering that up to let you know - what you're feeling is unique in that your dd's situation is unique, but it's also very normal in many ways to. And probably not the first time you'll be wondering should I or shouldn't I let her do this - but if she's off to college, it's most likely better to let her try it out rather than to put the harness on and say no right at the first mention of it. If it's truly a "Barbie culture" sorority I'm sure your dd isn't going to be interested anyway

ps - fwiw, going through formal rush isn't the only way to join a sorority. Most campus' have an "informal" rush that follows formal rush which is in place for the purpose of filling spots not filled during formal rush, still with campus rules, but all held individually and not including attendance at a bunch of parties at multiple chapters. Chapters can usually also add members at any time during the year too - if they have openings. So if your dd doesn't go through freshman rush, that doesn't mean she'll never have a chance to join a sorority.

This is about the time we should be talking about 15 year-olds and their associated risk-seeking behaviors that are correlated with significant changes in their brain structures.

I'm thinking that you may have stepped in if your sons had approached you saying, "Hey, there's a big beach party for teens being thrown by some group called NAMBLA, I think I'm going to check it out."

Trust me when I say that such discussions have been a major feature of parenting my particular child all along-- she's NEVER been very compliant with "because I said so" or authoritarian pronouncements from on-high.

We "forbid" pretty much nothing-- we may discourage things, and offer reasons why we "can't support that decision," for example.

ETA: Of course, she's never asked to go to a Pedo-event, either... we'd respond about the way Dude envisions, on that score. We HAVE talked to her (she initiated the conversation) re: food and beverage always being under your own control, never accepting an OPEN beverage from anyone (sealed bottled water/sodas or unopened cans only)... so it's not like this isn't something she is aware of. But I have been in that party scene, and I know how things can go down when it's chaotic.

PB, it's good to hear your experience and MegMeg's.

I think that is what is in my DD's head, anyway-- from talking with her it is, anyway. I suspect that the reality of the local Greek scene may not measure up, but that's for her to find out, I suppose. I could also have her talk to some faculty who are family friends, I guess.

That way the info is less suspect than if it comes directly from Mom and Dad.

I'm not sure how LOG comes to bear on this post? Your DC is very high-achieving! She is supported by a parent with education credentials, possibly affording additional opportunities which other students may not have. Without IQ testing or formal identification, "she's almost certainly PG-- everyone else seems to think so, at any rate, so we're okay calling it that too."

Thread began less than a year ago.

Bottom line is: You know your own child best, and what challenges she is or is not ready to navigate. You know best the opportunities offered on your kiddo's campus for Honors College freshmen and Presidential Scholar recipients, as well as whether any of the Greek offerings may be a good "fit". The rest of us have only your posts on which to base advice: each campus is different, our own anecdotes may not apply. In using the forum as a sounding board, I think your own posts provide the best insight.