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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,478
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Joined: Jul 2012
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... and let's just say that I'm not the kind of person normally associated with zen. hey?! :P But even more important, I think, is to show children the kind of respect that they deserve. I have a tendency to take it pretty far, as I'm far more prone to address a child as "sir" or "ma'am" than I am another adult. I do the same; it's amazing how many kids will respond to a simple "Yes, sir." You'd think I was the only adult ever to really notice them.
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,181
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Believe it or not, I'm more of less the female version of Dude on this score-- it's a very Zen thing, knowing that ultimately I hold all of the real control in the situation.
I mean-- it's not as though DD8 was going to drive HERSELF to some desired activity, YK?
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,489
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Our use of timeouts is a bit different than how it's used in most families. They're not a punishment, though DD9 still needs some convincing on that. We send her to her room to deal with emotional overload. She's free to do whatever she wants in there, and she's free to come out as soon as she's ready. If she comes out and starts yelling at us again, she's sent back in. We did this for many years. When my son was younger he would sometimes just lose it and I would send him to him room. It wasn't punishment just that he needed time to decompress, and we needed space. When he was rational we could talk.
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 246
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 246 |
Thank you so much everyone for the responses. It means a lot. 5. After the upset, figure out the trigger, the issue, the cause, etc., and try to talk about it in detail. Gifted kids are often highly intuitive, insightful, and may want to discuss it in detail. (For example, our child will feel outraged or indignant at some perceived injustice that other children will not even detect.) This actually works IF I ask it as a question instead of putting words in his mouth. We have found out many things about his feelings about school by doing this. After an episode of anger I would ask about what is going on inside and what is really upsetting him, and we would find out things I never knew he felt. I have to remind myself of doing this Our use of timeouts is a bit different than how it's used in most families. They're not a punishment, though DD9 still needs some convincing on that. We send her to her room to deal with emotional overload. She's free to do whatever she wants in there, and she's free to come out as soon as she's ready. If she comes out and starts yelling at us again, she's sent back in. YES, I need to do more of this as well. I am thinking this might actually work BEFORE we get to the point of misbehaving. I can kind of tell when he is getting wound up and I can sense his mood. The problem with this scenario is he's shooting for a vague, undefined target. Instead, I would have approached it by giving him permission up front, but letting him know he could lose that opportunity for misbehavior. Then, if he's acting up in a way that needs immediate correction, I'd warn him that continued behavior would mean the end of the trip. If he stops, fine. If not, trip canceled, no negotiations. This might have been a better idea. I just always thought that having to EARN something instead of having it to begin with is the way to go. Will try it the other way around next time. And oh, Zen, where are you, my long lost friend... (And I do yoga too....) [quote] But 6 through 8 years old was just about the nadir of my entire life, honestly.  I can distinctly recall having my then 7yo sit on our living room hearth-- with NOTHING to do, no talking to her, etc-- for two days straight. I brought her food, she got bathroom breaks, and she was sent to bed on time each evening. It sounds cruel... but my DH and I were up against-- well, Cool Hand Luke. I have NEVER figured out what my daughter's "triggers" really were/are-- she's too cagey and too manipulative to give us the ammunition... and she also has proven to be equally slippery re: "currency" to leverage HER. Her response to the reinstatement/removal of privileges has always been "Yeah-- whatever... you do your thing, and it's nothing to do with me,K?" (Maddening.) I made her write apologies to me, to her dad, to a teacher, and to anyone else that she was nasty to. I have put him in his room from early afternoon until bedtime. The interesting thing is that he just sits there. Doesn't do anything. I have gotten some wails out of him doing that, had him show regret for his behavior. Otherwise, like you said, he doesn't care, or doesn't let us know he cares.. I like the idea of writing a letter. I bought him a diary and thought I would tell him to sit in his room and write about what made him so upset and why he made the choice to act the way he did. He is a writer so I think this might work. Might also be his therapy in upcoming years. HowlerKarma, he understands he can't drive himself to an activity that has been taken away, but he always says "I will ride my bike there...." You have given me some great ideas and food for thought here. THANK YOU!
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 Likes: 1
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Joined: Nov 2012
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He was supposed to get to go on an overnight trip today with his dad. The condition was for him to behave the past few days. He hasn't. This morning he asked "Did I earn it?" I asked him if he thought he did. He responded "No, not really" I said we agreed. So at least he KNOWS when the behavior is not good. The problem with this scenario is he's shooting for a vague, undefined target. Instead, I would have approached it by giving him permission up front, but letting him know he could lose that opportunity for misbehavior. Then, if he's acting up in a way that needs immediate correction, I'd warn him that continued behavior would mean the end of the trip. If he stops, fine. If not, trip canceled, no negotiations. I like this advice, and I'll add that giving him SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound) will give him ownership in changing his behaviour. So, for a future trip, you could give conditional permission on the condition that, say, he not roll his eyes more than twice over the prior week. I would try to embed a learning element in the goal--if he catches himself right away, self-corrects, and apologizes sincerely, I wouldn't count it in the tally. I think modern management philosophy is more useful than parenting methodologies when dealing with a really smart kid. ITA. I've used my organizational psychology training more in the last six months with DS than I would have in the same time at work!
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,856
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HowlerKarma, he understands he can't drive himself to an activity that has been taken away, but he always says "I will ride my bike there...." He can't ride his bike there if it's been... - Chained up. - Locked in the garage/shed. - Suspended on the wall/stored in the attic. - Taken apart. - Sold at a yard sale. - Donated to charity.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 Likes: 1
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Joined: Nov 2012
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In case you're interested, this is a useful synopsis of a lot of research on goal setting theory, which I think you'll find helpful. http://faculty.washington.edu/janegf/goalsetting.html
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,007
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Posts: 2,007 |
I haven't really read the OP or the thread contents, but I think that the answer is chocolate.
I would start with a normal sized chocolate bar and only go for the jumbo size if that doesn't work.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 669
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 669 |
Is the chocolate for the parent or the child more details please. Lol
...reading is pleasure, not just something teachers make you do in school.~B. Cleary
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,181
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,181 |
Is the chocolate for the parent or the child more details please. Lol Oh dear. Parents, of course. I add a glass of wine at the end of a particularly hideous day. No advice, mind-- just what works for me. 
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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