Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy what's it like when a PG child hits teenage years?

I am about a year into realizing that my DS7 is HG+. It has been a whirlwind year that has caused significant changes in our family. The greatest challenges have been around schooling, which was completely unexpected to me when we first started poking around and figuring out DS's educational needs. Three years ago, if you told me that my son would be accelerated a few years in a subject at school AND homeschooling - I would have laughed heartily!

DH and I have been wondering - what is it like to parent a child like this in the teenage years? I have some experience parenting a NT teenager (complicated story). She is pretty well behaved, goes to school, sees her friends. The drama is minimal. We don't have to advocate for her at school, because her needs are largely met. With a HG+ child, do we assume that things will not be as smooth? (I know, I know, every child is different, every family is different, etc. But, the more that I read about PG kids, I am trying to anticipate the possibility of having a very intense parenting experience well into the teenage years.)

It's also important for me to mention, that DH and I are thinking about having another baby. So far, we have 3 little ones and all 3 appear to be HG+. These children really ARE children with special needs (of course, nothing like having a child with a disability). So, we're trying a bit, to look into a crystal ball and figure out what these HG+ kids are like as they get older. Impossible, I know. Years ago, we thought that we would have 4-5 kids. But now with these 3 HG kids, we're thinking maybe we should not have anymore! Of course we love them to pieces, but we want to be sure that we can meet their needs. We are wondering if having (potentially) 4-5 HG+ kids, if they would not adequately get the attention that they need and deserve.

Anything that you could share about parenting a HG child in the teenage years, or parenting multiple HG kids would be greatly appreciated!

Honestly, I think there are so many complexities here, it's hard to give an answer. Teenagers are so much more than their IQs. Personality is huge. Work ethic is huge. Family and school environments are huge. In the case of a HG+ teen, parental LOG is huge--- primarily because a HG+ parent will have some idea of what his or her HG+ child will be going through WRT cognitive development (just as an NT parent will have the same awareness for an NT child).

I have a HG+ teenager (13). In some ways, he's a dream. He has a wonderful personality and is easygoing about setbacks. However, he needs to learn discipline in his work habits. But this is kind of hard to teach; he has a 3.7-something average on doing the minimum. But my HG+ nephew didn't have this problem.

The aphorism about very bright kids (and adults) is true: when you've met one HG+ kid, you've met one HG+ kid. Generalizing is hard many ways.

I'm wondering why LOG is a factor in the decision to have another child?

DH and I have been wondering - what is it like to parent a child like this in the teenage years? I have some experience parenting a NT teenager (complicated story). She is pretty well behaved, goes to school, sees her friends. The drama is minimal.

Um... congratulations?

er-- or maybe that is "don't gloat," I'm not sure.


I have an HG+ teen (14yo) and I can honestly say that I don't think it's THAT much worse (and in some ways better) than what other parents are up against with NT or MG kids.

They're themselves and they all have the problems associated with that condition.

I'll also say that at 7yo, you really don't have any way of knowing what the teen years will hold.

The only thing that I can see being true is that if you have a child at this LOG who goes bad, they can go REALLY bad. In a hurry-- some of them seem to have the motto "Go big or go home."

On the other hand, a good one tends to be very, very good. And very mature/rational-- considering their chronological age, I mean.

My DD has impressed me with her thoughtfulness and maturity. Of course in the next moment, she also infuriates me with her typical teen antics, so it's a mixed bag. But my friends all seem to have the same problem with more NT teens.

So I'm thinking that the things associated with HG+ teens in terms of parenting and the concerns that you have are more along the lines of extraordinary expenses-- THAT, I can assure you IS the case. I wish that we'd been considerably FIRMER with our financial planner, for example, on the notion that our then-4yo was probably NOT going to be heading into college in 14 years... but in 8-10.

It was that or a very pricey boarding school that could keep her busy and happy, which rather would have defeated the 'savings' part of things.

KWIM?

But other parents don't get a guarantee, either. My personal feeling is that your family is complete when it FEELS complete to you... or when you think that you simply can't handle any more on your plate than you have. For different people, that's a different litmus test. For us, one PG child (with a disability) was more than enough. But her PG characteristics weren't the determining factor, really-- it was the disability, truthfully.

Yes, these children are way more than their IQs! I find each of my children (7, 3, 2) to be exhausting with regard to aspects of their personalities that relate to LOG. So, I guess that's why I am looking at LOG as a factor in deciding whether or not to have more children. For example, all 3 of my kids are super super intense and have unbelievable high levels of energy. I guess I am kind of lumping many of their challenging traits under their LOG as just of way of simplifying things here, for the sake of discussion.

Also, I wonder about how schooling will work as they all get older. My DH was accelerated 4 years and started college waaaayyy too early. I started college too late (I was a huge underachiever and couldn't manage the workload). So, I wonder, what are their trajectories going to be like? Again, I know this is all impossible to see now. My chief worry is that all 3 kids need to be homeschooled through HS and need all sorts of mentors and tutors between the 3 of them. Managing the 3 of them seems ok to me now. But I wonder what it would be like if there were 4 (or 5) to manage. (Remember, I am still relatively new to this off roading experience. When I envisioned having 4-5 kids, I thought, "Oh, no problem. They will all GO to school every day and I will be able to manage." Now, I see things may be (very likely will be) very, very different.) Parenting becomes very different when you realize that your child will need something entire different than the mainstream, right?

I appreciate your reply, by the way. I'm just kind of bouncing these thoughts around. I realize how unbelievably lucky I am to have my 3 amazing DCs. I'm also glad I have this anonymous place to throw these ideas around. There is no one else to discuss this with IRL!

Although there are no guarantees, one point to consider is that the children may provide each other with the special kind of attention, tutoring, advice, intellectual peers, and friendship that only siblings can provide.

"The only thing that I can see being true is that if you have a child at this LOG who goes bad, they can go REALLY bad. In a hurry-- some of them seem to have the motto "Go big or go home."

This is me and DH. Although I don't think that I am HG+, DH is clearly PG. Both of us went VERY VERY BAD from about 8-25 yo. We both grew up in not such great family environments (putting it mildly). We both wonder what we would have been like, during the really bad years, had we grown up in loving and attentive homes. We are providing an extremely loving and attentive home for our children now (hooray for breaking those chains!!). But of course we still worry about how much was nature vs. nurture. Ex. if one of my children is as extremely sensitive as me, oh boy do we have our work cut out for us.

Thanks for the responses to my ramblings!

I guess I also wonder, those of you with HG+ kids in high school, do you find that you have to spend the same amount of time advocating and "fighting" with the school to get needs met? Or are your children able to handle that mostly on their own?

Not really less time-- it's just different time spent. If that makes sense.

I don't advocate for my teenager as much as I do for my younger kids. But that doesn't mean that the situation is a lot better. His coursework is as superficial as the stuff the other two get.

IMO, the bottom line is that most educators simply don't understand HG+ kids. I suppose in a way it's not really reasonable to expect them to grok what it means to be HG+. Very few people fit this description and there's no reason to expect that the teacher corps should be any different. But it is reasonable to expect them to know that HG+ kids have different needs and that there are inexpensive ways to meet them. There are lots of resources for this kind of information.

Right now I'm trying to find a way to get DS to a community college the year after next. But his age will complicate dual enrollment. This is my big advocacy project for him. And like HK said, it's a different kind of advocacy.

I think that I enjoy it more, though-- because it's more likely to be time spent directly with my DD, either enriching things, helping her to find appropriate enrichment for herself, or coaching her to understand herself better, to make good advocacy moves, etc.

Far less frustrating to spend that kind of time with one's own HG+ child than trying to act as a go-between for the entire world.

Ah, this has given me some thought. I love this! These are some of the things that I love about having a child who needs educational modifications. Although, the interactions that you describe, HK, are interactions that all parents can have with their children, NT or gifted or whatever. It's just that HG+ children NEED the enrichment and advocacy. (Sometimes I laugh to myself how I used to think that I would send my children to school everyday and they would be appropriately educated.)

And these needs and the attention that they require make me think that we have our hands full with our 3 little HG+ kiddos! As I wrote in my first post, our lives have shifted dramatically ever since we realized that we were dealing with HG kids. Neither DH's family nor my family can give us any guidance on raising HG kids so we really do feel like we are in the dark in so many ways. Sometimes it's hard.

Thanks for the responses!