Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Aggression at home - I don't know what to do...

Our DD8 is good as gold at school and a terror at home. I think holding it together at school is a HUGE part of why she lets loose at home. Not sure what the solution is and not even really sure if it is better this way. I think I'd much rather her act out at home than in public, but is that a good or bad thing and should I feel that way...don't know.

Her GIEP meeting is coming up soon, so maybe if we can get some accommodations and enrichment in place at school she will not be so frustrated.

It does sound hopeful that your school is willing to try different things. Maybe it needs to be more or something different. What does your son tell you he wants? (barring staying home and just working on what he wants to) What would his ultimate day at school be like? How can the adults in his life make things better for him within reason?

DD(4) in montessori does this too. It is so out of hand at times I feel like we should take her to someone for help! She goes to a PT/OT office for handwriting (she doesn't actually go to PT/OT, just for handwriting) and they have suggested I get her tested for Sensory Processing issues. I really think it is more that she is holding it together at school only to let loose at home. Her teachers say she is exhausted - so exhausted - at the end of the day that I have to pick her up after lunch. When she gets home she goes crazy with energy. We are going to try to have her stay after spring break.

I am thinking this is common in every kid. Has anyone asked friends who are not GT?

ETA: sorry I didn't read in detail. I do think its not typical to be hurting himself. I DO think it is typical to be so wound up and hyper that you hurt (to some extent) siblings ect. in their state. Of course I wouldn't condone it... it just think that is pretty common. Hurting himself... that would be troubling. I agree, ask for a referral from whoever tested him.

This does happen with kids who are not GT also - but the thing I'd watch out for is the degree to which it's happening, especially with a preschool aged child who can't perhaps communicate adequately what the root cause of the frustration is. It's easy to attribute it to lack of challenge for a highly gifted child, but it could also be one of many other things going on, possibly including being mistreated by staff at the school. Hopefully it's *not* that, but we had it happen with one of our dds, and I so wish I'd been able to somehow find out about it sooner than I did.

The thing about this type of acting out at home when a child is holding themselves together during the day at preschool (or later on in school) is - there is usually a reason they are having to hold themselves together, and it's important to figure out what's going on.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Re: the self-injury... a friend's daughter did this until her curriculum was enriched and she was no longer stressed from boredom at school.

You mentioned your DS loves PE - what about sensory integration issues? We are looking at sensory integration disorder for my ADHD dx DS (I said SIG from the beginning and now everyone else is finally catching up). The energy that he needs to expend holding himself together during school eventually runs out and once that 3:00 buzzer rings... he turns into a hurricane some days. The key difference is that he's not aggressive... granted he's not PG either, so he's likely not as frustrated as your DS.

Anyway, the school OT recommended exercises for him to do during the day (eg. wall push ups in the hallway) and on some days he asks repeatedly to do them because they help calm him down and focus him.

This article from the Davidson Database may be of interest? Gifted children with Asperger's

*hugs* You've gotten lots of great advice here so far!

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your son is being challenged in school at all. Your afterschooling (spelling and worksheets) might help a bit, but he's probably exhausted from holding it in at school all day. Has he requested this extra work, and is he willing to do it?

When DS was having problems in school and refusing to do schoolwork and homework, it was easy for the teachers to say stuff like, "This should be easy for him, if he just sat down and did it." So here's the scenario I came up with:

Imagine you have to sit in training meetings all day long, with all the lectures and work geared for someone 50+ IQ points below your own. You aren't allowed to pull out your phone to check email or FB. Mostly you don't get to choose the training topics. For a time each day you get to split off from the group to do some work more suited to your level, but then it's back to the group. There is a lot of repetition and busywork. And in order to do some of the more interesting work, you still have to finish the boring stuff. Every. single. day.

You'd probably go nuts from boredom and frustration. And if you're 6, you might not have the language to express, or even the life experience to know, what is wrong and why. But *something* is wrong, something needs to change, and you've got to express it somehow.

DS was having these problems, except instead of waiting until he got home, he misbehaved at school. He hated having to go to school, and resented me and DH for making him go. We pulled him out of school last spring. Homeschooling has been the best decision we made, and DS's behavior has improved immensely.

Wow! Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the feedback. Makes me feel like I am not alone.

As far as SPD or Asbergers, those have both been shot down as possibilities. He has some dramatic sensory issues with sound as a 3-4 year old but seems to have learned how to deal OR he has somewhat grown out of it. His tantrums do mimic something a kid on the spectrum would do but all we have heard from the testers, experts and psychologist is that he does not have any issues. He is just a PG kid. Seems the issues so far has been related to overexcitabilities.

I also forgot to mention that the week before Christmas and all of the 3 week Christmas Break he was an angel. No issues. He was like a different child., Happy, easy going and no intensity. He says it was because it was Christmas and he was excited, but he was also out of school....
This tells me though that this is not a constant state of mind for him, but related to outside sources. Sometimes I worry about a mental issue with him but this kind of tells me it is not.....or?

I really believe you are right. I think it is school related. I am planning on talking to him over the weekend, in small bits here and there. He teds to shut down if I push too much. Tonight I asked about his friends, trying to figure out if there is an issue there. He said he likes his friends and that they are "kind of funny". He also said he feels older than them when they are doing school work but not in PE,music and art. When I asked what he would miss the most if he didn't go to school anymore he said his teacher and friends. That made me happy. Seems he might have some kind of working relationship with his friends and I don't think there is an issue there. I will ask about other teachers tomorrow, and also about how the perfect day would look to him while in school. Like someone said, I think the PERFECT day would be for him to stay home and do exactly what he wants...not an option though.

KnittingMama, what a great scenario you came up with. You are spot on. Today when I picked him up he asked to go for a run when we got home "to get rid of some stuff inside". I asked what kind of stuff, but he couldn't tell me. So I think it is like you said, he doesn't know WHAT he is feeling and how to put a name to it. We talked about different feelings and he came up with it probably being frustration. I thought it was a good step for him to recognize that he had to vent though. Running is something he loves to do and I feel it is really healthy for his state of mind.

Again, thank you all so much for helping with this!

First of all--my heart goes to you! It sounds super stressful! Spring break is coming up... how about having a week of "pretend homeschooling" to see how he would do? Someone suggested that you talk to him about how homeschooling could be, and I second that. Once you have the discussion, have a trial run during spring break and see how both of you like it.


Another suggestion is to check out some basic behavioral things or programs to use on a consistent basis. I love the "love and logic programs". He must be very frustrated-- to be violent. So it is very important that you have all the tools to help him learn a healthier manner of expressing his frustration.

I hope things improve soon. `

I did quite recently (in my 30s) have to sit through a number of 2 week courses aimed at people with low average to average IQs. I did Sudoku and crosswords during lectures and reminded myself it was only 2 weeks. I also got a couple of migraines and took a day off. I was still very irritable. I also get really grumpy if I have to be in a noisy environment and/or engage with people too long.

It is easy to imagine such a situation making a small child violent. Ds4 has the same problems but I am a sole parent and have to work. I try to arrange some periods where I know he willhave quiet and solitude by sending him to a neighbour instead of childcare.

I found myself in a couple of those kinds of classes in my mid 20's. In one of them, I went full-on class clown. In the other, I spent most of my time correcting the instructor's bad code so we could get on with it.