Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Tell me it gets better-- please!

DS6 is intense! Half the days I feel like I am arguing with a teenager, punctuated by tantrums that take me to the ends of my nerves. He has the most independent, anti-authority attitude I have ever seen, and he is only six. Of course, couple this with his world view which is years ahead of his age, and we are dealing with asynchrony that makes me feel like tearing my hair out-- like today for instance. We are calm easy going parents, but my nerves are fraying. All I want to know, is tell me that it doesn't get logarithmically worse as the years go on. Tell me that when he is a teenager he can't possibly be worse than he is now.

Mine was like that at 6... but once she was a teenager, she spent long stretches in her room with the door shut, only emerging (reluctantly) to eat. And she is now gone at college, I wish she would call to argue more often.

It gets better similar to the way that a complex gyroscope may keep balance better than a simple teeter-totter.

At the same time, it takes a lot of energy, so much energy, and it will likely change you. On the one hand, books such as love & logic, parenting the manipulative child, living with intensity, and a parent's guide to gifted children will help, as will parent forums... on the other hand, the help will be in terms of "welcome to the misunderstood minority of parents of asynchronous children", and learning how to best understand and relate to your asynchronous child... it will not necessarily get better in terms of a child becoming typical or less complex.

Suspending expectations helps many families enjoy the positives in their asynchronous child (who may often feel like a misfit).

It gets better in that parents may learn so much more than they imagined from interacting with their asynchronous child and seeing the world through his/her eyes. A child like this will tend to keep families on their toes! Visit the ultimate-brag thread and the not-really-brag-so-much-as-a-quirky-anecdote thread and the you know you're parenting a gifted child when thread often for refreshment.

I did my only angst phase before I was seven, then kept progressing such that by fifteen people outside of school assumed I was in my twenties. My easy when young sibling went on to be an angsty and troublesome teen.

Understanding, latitude, trust, and communication seem to pay dividends.

When I hear "wait til he's a teenager," I hope my approach is right because at least a case of one says I may be. And wow do I not want to have to eat my words on this.

p.s. when easy going, be sure to communicate early before you pop

On another current thread, intensity was also mentioned: Questions for you all about giftedness

This.

DD at 14 is far easier than she was at 6. Hormones or not, she just lacks the same completely defiant streak that she had then.

Of course, she got worse before she got better. The apex (er-- or perhaps that is actually nadir ) was when she was 5-9yo.

I didn't think that I'd live through it when she was seven, honestly.

On reading other poster's replies, I'll add that while the intensity may remain, it may propel different things over time... angst and defiance (as mentioned by others), but also in-depth study, research, planning, re-planning, refining.

The independence which may now cause a 6-year-old to seem oppositional may later be a positive strength in a teen willing to stand strong for avoiding texting while driving, illegal drug use, underage drinking, etc.

So in these ways it gets better.

Yes, you are right on with your description. This is my experience and how I get through it. The gifted child has asynchronous development and nothing relates to the normal progression by their peers who, say, might have an average IQ of 100. So, you are always experiencing something that the families of the peers cannot relate which is why the gifted families look elsewhere for support. The good news is that in my experience we get that awful adolescent attitude out of our systems very early on and as soon as we have the ability to fully immerse into our passions, we are way more fulfilled and that angst is replaced with excitement about all of the great opportunities that exist. Basically, I hope it makes you feel better to know that what you are witnessing is normal for a child with a gifted IQ.

Oh, good, there is hope! DD7 is very intense, as well, and spends a lot of her time riding my last nerve.

My DD11 is also less defiant than she was. Her biggest intensity years were from about 3 - 7 or 8ish. Age five was my "I don't think I'll make it" year. Now she's hormonal. Good times.