Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Spoiled Brats?

Do spoiled brats act like spoiled brats all the time or just around their parents? I'm trying to figure out Pud's behavior. He is perfectly well behaved around others (they never believe me when I tell them he's having a temper tantrum!) but seems to be out of control at home sometimes.

He seems unaffected by consequences or punishments or rewards. His tantrums tend to come with no warning. I found this quote from Lisa Rivero: "They [parents of gifted children] can also realize that the gifted child will challenge authority, may have little concern for the opinions of adults, and may be unaffected by the use of rewards and punishments. Knowing how to use these characteristics as strengths rather than weaknesses then becomes a large part of the unschooling challenge." The essay is at http://www.unschooling.com/library/essays/giftedchild.shtml. (Not that I agree with the unschooling, but I did like the essay.)

So, is this normal behavior? Is it a negative part of giftedness? Or, is my child just a spoiled brat?

I'm not even sure this behavior is gifted specific. I just spent the weekend camping with 6 families - 12 adults, 12 kids ranging in age from 3 to 7 (yes - it was a bit insane!). We all noticed that our kids at all age ranges reacted much more positively when someone else's parent asked them to do something rather than their own parent. Most of these kids were probably at least MG, but it just seems pretty standard behavior from what I've seen. And Pud is quite a little guy yet isn't he? This seemed especially prevalent from about 2 to around 4 with both my kids. DD just turned 4 and still loves to play mind games with me. She has regular extremely dramatic displays at home she'd never have anywhere else.

In fact, I remember a joke once of two moms who didn't know each other walking into a store at the same time. They made a pact-- I'll discipline your kid if you'll discipline mine! Much more effective when discipline comes from a stranger!

two points:
1) I am firmly convinced that the grown-up conspiracy is key to kid's development. Heh-heh, we're all that way and we're all watching!!!
2) I just went to my old (co-PG) friend's fiftieth birthday and was shocked by the admission by ALL our friend's parents that a) it was ridiculous that we had to go to school; b) they KNEW we were both uncontrollable but (they hoped) safe; and that; c) they all got us. It was a humbling experience. This was from life in a university/ research town from gt parents but still it highlighted the emotional vs. experienced life of pg kids.

It's my opinion that if a child throws tantrums at home but behaves appropriately outside the home, then he's just testing boundaries at home and you are responding appropriately. If he throws tantrums outside the home but not at home then it's more manipulative behavior and he knows how to work you, and get his own way-- not a good thing!

I like Alines comment about the grown-up conspiracy! I don't agree with the current philosophy that 'no one disciplines my kid but me'. There are too many kids with no respect for authority of any kind.

I agree with this whole post, OHG. Top to bottom.

I read somewhere that kids who behave at school, with the sitter, etc. but not with parents are just letting go where it's safe to let go. They save it all up for the people who love them because they know it's safe with their parents to let it out. It's a sign that they know they're loved. An annoying sign, certainly, but ultimately a good sign.

And I'm betting this will come as no surprise, but I'm one of those moms who has no problem telling kids at the playground to cut it out and/or straighten up. I don't think I've ever had a parent have a problem with it (they usually thank me), but if I did, I'd tell her to deal with her kids and then I wouldn't have to. Harumph.

So rock on, OHG!

My daughter must know that I love her a lot, because I am the only one she ever throws tantrums with!! Have to admit though that she is perfectly well behaved 99.9% of the time even with me.

Great question!

My DD(almost 4) only throws tantrums at home and she is the perfect angel at school. She is very whiny and emotional at home. It's to the point of pathetic. She must really know she is loved!

My DS5 was the opposite--not many fits at home but he got in trouble constantly with his preschool teachers. I think it was a lot of the power struggle with authority. Since changing schools we see a lot less of this power struggle since he is more challenged and he does witness a lot less social injustice in Montessori.

I agree with all that is said already - yes home is the comfort zone where it's ok to let it all hang out, if it's a healthy home! I do have a possible approach, you might have tried it - we just don't react and the tantrums seem to dry up pretty quick. This works well when you know the child is: fed recently, slept ok, not sick, etc. so there should be no physical reason they are losing control.
(And I don't think it's gifted kids only, although I do think they tend to take tantrums to amazing heights!!)

I'm voting along this line of thought.

It goes for adults also, when you think about it, I would hope that we are better behaved 'in public' than we are with our spouses and children.

One of the most disturbing things about DS11's elementary years is that he was well behaved at home and 'in trouble' at school!

Of course at school he clearly was manipulating and testing limits. 2nd grade teacher, with 20 years experience, told me that she would send him to his seat when he could no longer sit quietly with hands to himself 'for 5 minutes.' But she admitted that after a minute or two she would call him back to the group, because she couldn't stand for him to miss circle time. ((eye rolling)) DS was so litteral back then - I'm sure he thought of it as a victory.


((shrugs))
Grinity