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Sweetie, what an uplifting and inspirational post! Thanks for sharing. This made my day.

I remember being in middle school and being annoyed daily by "hyper Helena". I mean I probably once in a while was a mean girl towards her. I wish someone had helped me as a middle school girl be more tolerant and helpful rather than annoyed and short with her because she just couldn't sit still and every movement was big and loud and she was disheveled and she was disruptive and distracting. But our school climate was conformity and not really compassion for a disability that we knew nothing about in 1978 (severe ADHD). She did have a bit of success on the school basketball team but it didn't change opinions.

If I could make amends with her I would try. I didn't bully her but I didn't include her or go out of my way to be nice.

That is lovely, Sweetie. Unfortunately, not everywhere is so accepting. I have a lot of "snots" in my area. Prior to my son's diagnosis (nothing even manifested until he was around three - he did just about everything early and he never had any behavioral issues AT ALL prior to school so we and others never had any reason at all to suggest he was anything but "normal" and advanced), I was in playgroups, a sahm in the neighborhood, SOME people (actually enough) in our area/neighborhood would talk about and behind the backs of those with children who had dx... and not in a pretty or a kind, or accepting way. They would do this in front of their own children and the toxic spirit trickles down. So for me, if my son has a disability that is not readily apparent I pretty much keep it to myself. Unfortunately my son's one disability anyway is kind of apparent since he needs a scribe and uses the computer more than others, etc. So they know something is up. I KNOW they talk. and I KNOW they speculate on what the parents did to cause the dx. But if I could keep it a secret until my son can make that decision for himself I would. I can tell you if he gets dx with ADHD it's certainly mild enough not obvious I will keep it private. WE do not need to be providing any more fodder for these people. If my son as gets older wants to share then that his prerogative and his information to share in the meantime I keep what I can private.

That's so encouraging. It's certainly the world I want to live in.

For some diagnoses, there is a very negative stigma. ADHD for example. A child might go home from school and tell their parent "Guess what, the teacher says Abby has ADHD". So if that parent doesn't know Abby and has a choice between inviting Abby and another child for a play date, who are they going to choose? The child that might be "difficult"? Are they going to encourage their child's friendship with a child that has a behavioral disorder? Probably not.
Teachers who have worked with kids for years in the classroom are completely ignorant about ADHD. So to expect a label to produce positive reactions from yet other people who have NO exposure to it is unrealistic. I tell other parents about DD's ADHD only if they know her well. People always seem surprised because she is probably one of the quietest and most well-behaved kids in school.

I know that is the right thing for some people.

With the young man my husband taught, there were very specific things you could do if you wanted some excitement and to see chairs being thrown about the room. Part of putting it out in the open was to explain that purposefully setting him off was not going to be tolerated. No one could say they didn't know.

I think you can build a climate that is accepting without disclosing dx...but in some cases people do find that disclosing is more helpful than keeping it hush hush. I think it depends on each situation. And privacy is the default setting, disclosure is optional.

Blackcat, I understand your concern. I do want to add though, that one of my ds's best, best friends has a dx of ADHD, and that has never once given me pause or made me wary of their friendship. So not everyone will have the viewpoint that concerns you.

I think everyone, every child, must have something, you know what I mean?

Absolutely. This is exactly what happens in my neighborhood/community. I was privy to these very incidents/conversations Friendships with "kids with 'isms'" (which are how the parents refer to these children) are discreetly and subtly but purposely discouraged. We do have a very very supportive small special needs community though...

We have had this experience. However, it can also be a screener that works to our advantage. If we contact a summer camp and ask if people with Asperger's are welcome, and give them some indication of DS's profile, and they are hostile or ill-informed, I know that he won't have a good experience there anyway. If they are warmly welcoming, unafraid, and seem already to have some sense of what accommodations could look like, it is more likely to be positive for him.

Kind of like only wanting to join clubs that actually want to have us as members.

I do chafe at the limits of inclusion, but we will keep trying to make our way.

DeeDee

Good post MON. Really good points. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It feels better not being alone in this - we have some of the same type of things it seems like - some people/teachers/aids treating him as though he is cognitively impaired (this REALLY burns him up - he'd rather be treated meanly believe it or not), some just doing the negative halo thing - seeing him negatively in general, etc. It's hard.

I have to say the best people are sort of outside the school. So odd, I guess they are just paid to do a job and they get it done in a way that makes the kids want to come back. Like his math place - they haven't got the foggiest clue what dysgraphia/EDS is I don't think. They just meet him where he is and accommodate the weakness almost seamlessly and it's awesome. Same thing with the chess teacher. And his current swimming instructor. It's weird. I guess cause those are one on one and it doesn't matter so much how they get him wherever they are taking him it just matters that he gets and is happy and feeling good along the way. It's hard to explain but it feels like they see just him. I just wish school as whole could be that nice!