Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy New here, how to best help 10 year old who hates..

...her new school. I homeschooled her for the last 2 years, for second and third grade. She was really missing the hullabaloo of the kids at school. We had her tested by a psych in third grade, said her abstract reasoning was at a post-college grad level. (Not sure how this fits into school yet).
She is really strong in reading. Her MAPS testing was greater than 99% for reading. Actually, although she is in fourth grade, her score was at the 99% for a senior.
So, here is the problem. She hates school. She started off the year being bullied by some kids (but the school called it a conflict, not bullying). She is bored. She acts like the class clown. She doesn't feel like she fits in. She is huge into theatre. She was one of 800 kids to get the lead role in a large city Christmas play (she has done over 30 shows this December alone).
Okay, I am not writing all this to brag. As many of you know, gifted isn't always a gift. We are new to this, and just not sure what to do. The school laughed when we mentioned her being gifted (even with her high MAPS testing). The said they don't have a G&T program, even though there website says it does, and other elementary schools in the district do. We think, our daughter represents the "flip side" of giftedness. Messy homework, bored, acts out, etc.
So, what would you do/recommend? She hates it, but it seems no other options exist, except a private school that is over $15,000/year. I feel like we are torturing her, but I have nothing left to give as far as homeschooling her. She really burnt me out. Any thought would be great. Thanks.

Major alarm bell. Pull her out of the school immediately.

With all due respect, 22B, it sounds like the OP doesn't want to continue to homeschool, and schools and parents alike sometimes have a hard time distinguishing bullying from conflict.

OP, what is your area like? Do you have any other options? NO gifted program of any kind? Did you give them her test scores?

I know homeschooling did not end well when she wanted to go to school but maybe it would be different now that she hates school and knows what it is really like...

Welcome, Reba! I see this is your first post. You may wish to look into the other schools in the district to evaluate their gifted programs? There is a lot of information about finding a good educational fit, and also good information for positive advocacy approaches. Here are just a few...

1- Parenting tips on educational advocacy - http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10286.aspx
2- Recommended readings for educational advocacy- http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10291.aspx
3- Guidebook - http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Resources_id_14781.aspx
4- Reforming Gifted Education - http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Resources_id_14056.aspx
5- Academic Advocacy for Children: A Complete Guide http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Resources_id_14511.aspx

Some gifted kids have found these books helpful in learning about, affirming, and accepting the ways in which they may be different from typical kids that they may be surrounded with in everyday life: The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide by Judy Galbraith, and If I'm So Smart, Why Aren't The Answers Easy?, by Schultz & Delisle.

Parents may find the book A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children by Webb et al, Living With Intensity by Susan Daniels, and Make Your Worrier a Warrior helpful and also parts of Searching For Meaning which may apply.

Good luck with this!

Let me explain the dynamics of these situations. Often it happens that
Person B bullies and victimizes Person V.
Many organizations and individuals will then say (with no investigation to justify their claims),
"It's not one-sided victimization. It's two-sided conflict.",
or they'll ignore it, or they'll say
"It didn't happen." or "Person V is the true culprit."
They do this to evade responsibility for protecting the Victim V from Bully B. This encourages the bully and further promotes a culture of victimization.

My family been through this. We were terrorized by a (white collar) psychopath for years. (Read this http://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510 if you don't get it.) At one point the trauma of this almost killed my then pregnant wife. The organizations and individuals who said "It's not one-sided victimization. It's two-sided conflict.", certainly share responsibility for what happened to us.

Any time one-sided victimization is mischaracterized as two-sided conflict, major alarm bells should be set off. That was my point.

22B, your family has clearly been traumatised by bullying mischaracterised as something else, and so you're understandably eager to help others avoid that. I agree it's an important aspect to investigate. Even if that situation was indeed "conflict" rather than "bullying" (I suppose this would mean that both sides were fairly evenly at fault) and even if it's been dealt with now, it wouldn't be surprising if it set the OP's DD off on the wrong foot at this school.

I think MoN's list of questions was excellent. Welcome, Reba, and I hope you can help your DD to a better situation. Don't despair; there are many people here who do have experiences not so dissimilar that have come out OK with work.

I think the problem is that something can start out under the radar as bullying...and then it moves to looking more like conflict if the victim stands up for self or responds at all (even if unproductive at standing up) and the the authorities only see two people going at it equally at the point where they see a problem.

If you have someone cowering in the corner...victim...fighting back ....conflict...irritable and lashing out at others over being bullied, they then are labeled bullies themselves.

My daughter is 11 and OMG we have went through it with her. I had her tested young and she came to only have a 118 IQ even though I knew it was much higher. She would daze and ignore anything that wasn't exciting to her. We had her in a top private school and she started zoning out. We had her psychologically tested as the school was stating she had ADD. Well she didn't. She is very creative and gifted in arts and language. I started reading about gifted kids and overexcitabilities and my daughter so has the imaginational and emotional ones. It described her to a "t". She created a video game with graphics and everything at age 8 and posted to game site and overnight got over 1000 likes. As far as academics she is suffering. She is so smart but has decided she doesn't want to do the work. Positive reinforcement doesn't work with her. I have a 7 year old son who scored 130 IQ at 3 years old and he has conformed to school settings but has another set of overexcitabilities. I believe he has psychomotor, sensual, and intellectual. He watches mitosis and meiosis videos for fun. They did diagnose him with ADHD and autism when I don't really think he has that. Any advice would be great as I don't know how to keep my kids happy and academically enriched.

Well, I don't normally suggest acceleration, but since she is already 10 and therefore among the older kids in 4th grade, it might make sense to request a skip to 5th grade. This could potentially remove her from the "conflict" as well.