Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion When does it cross the line into materialism?

We don't have christmas at all.

For birthdays, we try to do something fun, but we don't have gifts.

DD is at the height of "What is mine is mine and what is yours is mine" phase so this Christmas season, we've been trying to teach her the joy that comes with giving and making someone happy by letting them know that she cared about them and thought about them. It's a work in progress as she thinks everyone should get a copy of Harry Potter.

There is nothing like the culture shock of seeing how others live, and what others value. I am thankful for our public school for offering a cross section of wealthy, poor, greedy, and giving families for my children to learn from.

Growing up, we didn't have lessons, or a steady supply of shoes, or our own bedrooms. And we didn't go on every field trip, and we worked as soon as we were 14. And now, my kids get lessons, their own rooms, field trips, and 4 different kinds of shoes! (boots, sandals, sneakers, dress shoes). It took me a while to agree with DH about the multiple shoes. Felt like giving up important values.

And advocacy. We advocate for our kids. My mom put out fires for us, but didn't really advocate for anything but to please not suspend or expel us. Will advocating for my kids make them feel entitled? I worry about that too. Yet, I see other parents go and insist that their child get things I'd never dream of asking, just as they would probably never dream of asking for what I ask for.

Seeing others helps my kids realize it's not what you have that's important. Really. My dd has a best friend who has an iphone and her parents own a business as well as a large house, and another best friend who is homeless, and another....They all hang together. I love that about our school. And I KNOW we'd give that up if she went to private school. How valuable is this to her? It always seems like social and academic values collide these days.

One thing I always question myself on is whether the GIFT takes away more than it gives.

Our circumstances allow us to provide more for our DS than our parents did for us…BUT, should we and to what extent?

We are grateful to have the luxury of a choice. However, we also know that living with limited resources as children gave us more in the long-run – creativity, initiative, independence, opportunity to learn, etc.

Recently, an Amazon box arrived with HH goods, and I watched my DH twist the packing paper into fully recognizable dinosaurs. DS3 was delighted. I knew DH was creative before we had DS, but I didn’t realize the degree of his ability to whip something out of nothing until I saw all his invented games and creations for DS over the last few years.

DH's toys were very limited as a child to mostly just paper, pen and markers, and he had to create his own entertainment. I always wonder if DH’s imagination and creative problem-solving would be as well-developed if he grew up under more advantaged circumstances.

I do not think that money or the object itself is the qualifier for whether it's materialism or spoiling. I think it is the intention behind what is bought.

My wife looks at things differently and would like to shield our children from lifestyles she disapproves of. The children have been told that you are "not allowed" to have children before you are married. When our daughter noted that she had an afterschool teacher who was an unwed mother, my wife was a bit annoyed with the center employing her (but did not say anything). The children rarely go on playdates (there are three of them, close in age, so they entertain each other), but she would be more likely to accept a playdate with a child from a "good family" which is academically inclined.

ROFL... good luck enforcing that one!

There is nothing wrong with engaging in education, ownership, or activities that are "privileged" by virtue of financial status so long as the child doesn't consider their privilege a right.

I think unknowingly, one of the best things my lovely wife and I did for our kids is to send them to the daycare located on the campus of the local community college. We live in a pretty typical Iowa community, fair to say not a lot of diversity racially, financially, or really any other difference, for lack of a more politically correct term, our area is about as "White Bread" as it comes, however, because the daycare was located on the community college campus, the mix of children there was simply perfect with children of widely varied ethnic, financial, physical, and educational backgrounds. My kids grew up blind to the differences because of that and carry that on to this day thankfully.

Knowingly, perhaps the best thing we've done is involve them in volunteerism, that tends to keep anyone humble and with a firm sense of gratitude in their hearts which combats any ill effects of being "privileged" quite nicely.

When my kids were very young, I also wanted to protect them from a lot of public school stuff-- advertising, bad behavior, "tolerance"/acceptance of ideas that I didn't want the kids indoctrinated with. And I think it's important to instill strong values in kids and the ability to say no and reject lifestyles that are not what we would consider appropriate. Including teen pregnancy, throwing perfectly good things away, etc.

But once you feel your kids are well grounded in who they are and are making good decisions, I think it's important to open them up to other ways of thinking and being. It seemed to happen naturally. The kids became more in tune to how others live as middle school hit. We discussed how kids react to form their identity, etc. Lots and lots of parenting that couldn't happen if we didn't have a wide variety of humans around us.

But, back to the materialism. It is elementary school that drove me nuts with the materialism. Asking for and sometimes insisting on brand name school supplies, ridiculous field trips to commercial places--and then charging for it! We opted out of many field trips, but the assemblies were no better. One had a yo-yo demonstration and told the kids to bring in 2.00 to buy a yo-yo. For one family I know, that was the last straw that caused them to reject public school.

It's tough to teach our kids to be financially responsible, delay gratification, and to stay off the road to more stuff, and then more room for the stuff, and then more stuff to fill the space.... Sort of counterculture in our affluent community here.

I think "materialism" is one of those words that means something different to everyone, and our personal values come into play.

Ds12 wrapped up his DS game player (This is probably not what they're called) and brought it to school for a friend.

This has never happened before. Sure we've given birthday gifts to friends, but ds has never initiated this kind of thing before and has never given a Christmas gift before. At first I reminded him giving gifts isn't an intrinsic part of friendship, that he could be a good friend and that is enough. But he told me he wanted to do because he really likes this kid and his family is struggling.
I think he is so delighted to have friends who get him this year and he is free to be himself, which at times is wonderfully, whole-heartedly generous.
With a heart like this, I hope he survives middle school/