Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion When does it cross the line into materialism?

Our family is rather like HowlerKarma's. We spend a lot in areas that we really care about: books, music, concerts, museums, any learning resources needed, vacation, etc. But we spend little on material goods. The kids have some electronics, not fancy, not new model, but they can play the games that they want to play (Minecrafts only these days). I think maybe we did influence them, maybe they are just similar to the parents, but my kids never really asked for much "stuff"--not when they were little and not when they are older now, and I'm really happy that they share our values. They do have friends who have tons of stuff. I remember once we did a yard sale together with a friend's family (whose kids were exactly the same ages as my kids), mostly kids toys and books. And oh my, the amount of toys that the other family wanted to sell was more than all the toys my kids had. And there are some families like this around. But my kids seem to be OK with that. But the thing is: in those families who are much more materialistic than we are, some have kids who really can't care less about academics or anything serious, and some have kids who are awesome students. So I guess it's just that we will accommodate our own comfort levels.

I, personally think some of the electronics have almost become a necessity (for school, keeping up with technology, etc..) and that is somewhat aggravating to me.

My DD is not wanting for anything, but she understands what it is like to go without. She has been taught humility, so she would not brag or make fun of anyone who has less.

She is a very generous person, she gives 30% or more of her allowance to charity every week, which is her own decision (I just ask that she give something, she determines the amount) and she is always thinking of others.

If she ever starts to demonstrate a sense of entitlement, I might have to revisit my gift giving strategy, but for now, we are on a budget and as long as what she requests falls within the budget, then we can accommodate.

I am in awe. What beautiful spirit, and what hope for humankind is revealed through many of these posts.

When the focus is on the "stuff"? When we lose sight of each other as persons, and only see the pile of stuff, net worth, circumstances, or title of an individual? When there is greed, when there is envy; These are two sides of the same coin. When the prevailing attitude is that the amount of stuff implies superiority? For this reason, I'm not fond of what the Santa story has come to be: As the poor and underprivileged may not receive gifts (or comparable gifts) are these children to understand they are on Santa's "naughty" list?
A parallel can be drawn between materialism and giftedness: When achievement is used as the measure of a person, when a gifted label is coveted as a badge of superiority, when character is forsaken. What is seen on the outside does not reveal what is inside. Continuing the parallel, redistributing material goods and enforcing equal educational outcomes may change what is observable on the surface, but it does not tend to bring about good things in character as it changes the locus of control.

Internal locus of control, motivation to strive and persist, hope of achieving something which is personally rewarding*, cultivating personal satisfaction, experiencing joy at another's success, volunteering to ensure others have opportunity, and ultimately finding something in common with others despite differences... may be the antithesis of materialism.

*personally rewarding meaning: internally congruent, based on one's own values, not imprinted or dictated by another. Not meaning: self-centered or narcissistic.

As concerns about materialism may apply to the OP considering enrolling children to attend a school which may have a very different SES:
1) Families have been doing this for generations, with parents and kids emphasizing the good found in it
and sucking up the rest. The book at #4 can be helpful in interpreting some situations so there is less to suck up, misunderstand, or feel frustrated about.
2) Every opportunity has both good and bad.
3) You may find differences to be less about materialism, more about observing other's "norms".
4) Parents may wish to read the book "Crossing the Tracks for Love" by Ruby Pane, which discusses some SES differences, and tips for recognizing, interpreting, negotiating them, often from her personal experiences. I found the discussion of food quite interesting.

Personally I would read the book, and save the money for college.

Why is enjoying stuff, such as a big television, or a beautiful house, car, or piece of jewelry, bad? Materialism is only problematic when it causes someone to steal or to spend so much time working that he neglects other aspects of life. A coworker friend lives in a mansion. After we visited him, my middle child said he wants to live in a mansion someday. If that dream motivates him to work hard, good for him -- and for society.

That's a great point, Bostonian-- not everyone thinks that "materialism" is inherently without redeeming impact.

Many of our children, by virtue of OE, may be quite hedonistic or take a great deal of joy in luxurious experiences or possessions.

Some of us do believe that materialism is negative, but it's a good reminder to bear in mind that it is a belief-- and not one that is universal.

Enjoying stuff is fine until 1) getting it becomes an end in itself and 2) large societal inequalities begin to develop. It's also a problem when people with said stuff get so self-focused, they forget about the less fortunate people around them (or blame them for not working hard enough when many of them either have two minimum wage jobs or can't find a job).

I'm not arguing that everyone should be paid the same amount and everyone should have the same things, though as a nation, we aren't doing a good job of meeting minimum requirements right now. I'm saying that too much focus on material things, IMO, is bad individuals and bad for a society (e.g., thnk of the "Americans, go shopping!" response to 9/11 and the fact that our economy is based too heavily on retail sales. It could all collapse very easily). Which I kind of think the OP was getting at (the first thing, anyway).

It is not wrong for a child to dream of living in a mansion. However I hope if my child ever has 15 million foe a mansion that they buy a 2 million dollar house (still a minor mansion) and put the rest in a fund for those who need things they can't afford (operations, education, housing etc). If they don't I will start to be a bit worried about their sense of entitlement because nobody needs a house that expensive.

Agreed!

At the same time, I did not say it crosses the line into materialism when one enjoys stuff or when one is motivated to work hard to earn stuff. But simply "when the focus is on stuff". I then took the time to define focus as meant in this context: When we lose sight of each other as persons, and only see the pile of stuff, net worth, circumstances, or title of an individual. When there is greed, when there is envy; These are two sides of the same coin. When the prevailing attitude is that the amount of stuff implies superiority.

Merriam-Webster offers these definitions - a way of thinking that gives too much importance to material possessions rather than to spiritual or intellectual things. a preoccupation with or stress upon material rather than intellectual or spiritual things.

I hope my child grows up and purchases at least one $15million estate in at least three different countries.

And perhaps he'll give something away to charity -- which is fine. And 100% up to him.

Along the way, though, I am certain to be more impressed by the countless lives that benefit from his purchase & ownership of the (at least) three estates.

Think of the people he will employ. The woodcarvers, framers, painters, glaziers, gardeners, plumbers, locksmiths, farriers, mechanics, carpenters, electricians, architects, roofers, tile-setters, bricklayers, housekeepers, chefs, chauffeurs, accountants, bookkeepers, tax attorneys, estate attorneys, insurance agents, piano tuners, private tutors, etc., etc., etc.

Ooh -- and if he also owns a private jet. And also a yacht. Think of the countless people that would be helped by the purchase and maintenance of those things that nobody needs?

Charity is great. But providing employment opportunities to those who need things they can't afford ain't too danged shabby either.

"The Price of Privilege" by Madeline Levine, Ph.D., a Marin County practicing clinical psychologist, is a worthwhile read.