Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion When does it cross the line into materialism?

With the holiday season upon us, I have been giving this some thought. I would not say that I overindulge the kids with material things but they do generally get what they want but they are not unreasonable and it is not particularly out of whack with many of their classmates. However, as the kids have grown older, the wants have gotten more expensive. Case in point, after internally debating some I bought DD10 the current model ipod touch for Christmas because it was the first item on her list. One of the reasons why I hesitated was because she will be getting her own ipad mini in 2014 and she already has her own laptop (since before 3rd grade), Kindle Fire and Nintendo DS as well as shared other game consoles with her sibilings.

DD was adamant that she really wanted the ipod touch. The funny thing was that she recently refrained from sharing her real Christmas list in class after she heard a classmate with very young parents and many siblings who only had items of clothing on her list. My children, like many middle-class kids, just sort of expect clothing as their right rather than as a gift item. This is the first year that DS/DD were not in a stand-alone gifted class (disbanded due to common core adoption) so they are being exposed to new kids this year - teenage parenthood and large families (>4 kids) were outside their experience.

That is one reason why I would hesitate to enroll DS/DD in a private middle school next year because they would be exposed to some extremely indulged children simply because their parents can afford it.

Okay, well. Here's my opinion.

We try to keep the incoming stuff to a minimum, but it's hard when relatives send Xboxes and iPods. I've asked them to dial it down in the past, and they've done a good job of it. So this is good.

My kids are used to having a lot of nice toys. However, we also make a huge effort at purging as a way of reducing their attachment to material things. Oddly enough, the Christmas lists this year are super-short and none of my kids is really dying for something, apart from a Calvin and Hobbes book my 11-year-old wants. "Cell phone" has topped the other two lists, and I'm all for it.

I think it's normal to for kids to want more expensive things as they get older. Let's face it: it's hard to spend hundreds of dollars on a toy for a pre-schooler. Whereas there are umpteen things costing that much that a twelve-year-old would appreciate. One thing we're careful about is to talk to our kids about how most other kids don't have what they do. I think this helps.


I don't think I'd use this idea to decide against a private school. Overindulged kids are everywhere. If you live in a high-income area, your public schools will likely have a lot of them (e.g. I knew a very-high-net-worth guy with a paid-off house worth at least $2 million whose teenager complained about how poor they were because so many kids at her public school were outrageous conspicuous consumers. Not the first time I'd heard this about the schools in that district.). A lot of people who send their kids to private schools struggle to afford the tuition.

There is spoiled....and there is spoiled rotten...and the two are very different.

My children want for very little, however, they're far from the most indulged children in their respective age groups. What they've learned is gratitude and that they actually OWN nothing until they've paid for it out of their own pocket from their own work, that anything they haven't paid for from their own earnings is a gift....and personally in our family, we own NOTHING, we're just managing God's blessings to us.

There isn't anything wrong with giving your kids more "stuff" than their average classmate, so long as:

A. They realize it's a gift and a blessing.
B. Someone else worked very hard to provide that blessing for them.
C. They don't use their "stuff" as a means of status among their peers
D. They take care of their "stuff" (which shows respect and gratitude)
E. They share what God has blessed them with, or, if you're not of a religious mindset, do unto others.

Money (read stuff) isn't the root of all evil, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

Are you being true to your values and the values you want to impart to your children? That's what I ask myself frequently. Sometimes the kids seem so self centered! And I worried, really worried about over indulgence causing the "mom, it broke, I need another one" attitude. And not practicing piano but expecting piano lessons anyway. And wanting to go out to dinner and order whatever they want. Those things went against my values. Others might see no big deal. So, we worked on changing them. If you are true to your values, you are doing fine.

But, I too struggle with the private school option. DD can compete for a high school scholarship to a prestigious private school. But, do we want that? I would guess some people would say that you do better in life when your friends have influence and means. If she wins a spot, will I send her? Is the education really better when you cut out 2/3rds of the population? You have to be above 70Percentile academically and wealthy enough to afford tuition.

We get DD what we're comfortable getting her. She has some things that some of her peers don't, and some of her peers have things that she doesn't. That's real life, so we don't try to shield her from it. We do teach her that each family makes spending decisions based on their resources, and on what's important to them.

For instance, the only Christmas decoration we have in the house is the (fake) tree. Many families spend a lot of time, energy, and money decorating their houses, inside and out. The fact that we're not doing this means more resources for the things that go under the tree. We know a number of families who could not make this choice, because they place an importance on visual mood setting and/or conspicuous display that we do not share. That's who they are, and this is who we are.

We too have a small fake tree that only went up yesterday. It was supposed to go up the day of the church play but we were too busy.
I buy presents because I want too but at least half the presents are clothes bought on sale. They have a big Lego set to share and a smaller educational toy each that they will share after the first week. The only non sharing toys in our house are teddies/dolls and things less than a week old. I come from a background where things are automatically passed down so the idea of permanent ownership doesn't exist for me. I would have loved to get them new scooters and a cheap tablet but finances didn't stretch to that this year.

We know many people who are less affluent than we are-- and some that (in spite of that) send their children to private schools. Also some that (in spite of that) vacation comparatively lavishly, spend indulgently (in our estimation) on clothing, electronics, etc.

We save a lot. We also spend, but on other things. Books, hobbies, theater tickets, music lessons, travel, home improvements, etc. I would never in a million years spend $200 for a haircut for myself (it seems to me that the $10 place does fine)... but I'd buy other things, just as indulgent. It's just that the one is important to ME, and the other isn't.

We've always been rather open about that. People DO make choices when they have disposable income. But this is ultimately about wants... and not NEEDS. We're pretty clear about that as well. Cable and even high speed internet are, at the bottom line, LUXURY items that make life easier, better, or more pleasant, they are not necessities like an emergency room visit or food to eat.

We have also made it a priority-- in fact, DD has from toddlerhood made it HER priority-- to make life better for those in our community who lack any disposable income at all. Food insecurity is her favorite of those concerns, but she is also concerned with domestic violence. She puts her money where her mouth is there, donating HER OWN money, and working hard for that money. She knows that she is fortunate in the family to which she was born.

We indulge her. Yes.

We can afford to. We're honest when we cannot, too, and when we WILL not, simply because something doesn't represent (in our opinion and values) a good value in relation to its expense, or a positive thing in her life (or ours). Museum membership or new Birkenstocks, yes-- tattoo or clubbing to celebrate graduation, no.

We do not possess a fancy gaming system-- but an older (first-gen) Wii. We bought that mostly so that she would have the social commonality. She has a feature phone that is about three years old, and before that, had a flip-phone that she kept for five years. She does own a collection of, I think, eight or nine American Girl dolls, however, and at least $10,000 in musical instruments.


DD is profoundly non- materialistic, in spite of our relative indulgence of her. For example, she (just this week) appeared concerned that her graduation cap and gown would cost $25. She offered to pay for it.

On the other hand, she did not offer to pay for her target 0.22, which was almost 100 times that -- but it was all that she asked for this Christmas, too. Actually, Dad offered and she gratefully seized upon that offer.

We don't ask of her what we won't do ourselves, though-- our cars (non-luxury models) are 8 and 9 years old, respectively, and we'll likely keep them both another 8 years... DD will probably inherit one of them when she is 18.

So yes, we walk the walk as well as having conversations about this kind of thing. I think that helps.

I think materialism doesn't come into effect at a percent of income spent or a number of presents under the tree. Rather, it's a line you cross when you become psychologically more excited for, or dependent upon, receiving gifts than seeing family, religious celebrations, or giving to others.

I tend to get wrapped up in Christmas--probably carried away--and my sanity check is always my charity budget. It helps for me as a Catholic because the weeks leading up to Christmas (advent) is a minor penitential season, so there's a spirit of poverty to the preparations and festivities.

Probably the most grounding experience for our family so far this season was receiving a beautiful handmade Christmas card from a child we sponsor overseas. Out of all the gilt and trappings of our western experience, her simple message of love--shared between virtual strangers--helped put in perspective the meaning of Christmas.

hey Quantum... just another thought on the private school issue. last year DD5 attended a very-hard-for-us-to-afford private school, and i, too, was very conscious of this eventuality. but as it turned out, i think it did DD a lot of good to be in a place where everyone had more money than us. the contrast between our family and the others was pretty extreme - and there were a lot of frankly mind-bending playdates, but all of this had a real silver lining: it opened a door to talk with DD explicitly about our choices: she fully understood that we were choosing to invest in school ahead of other things.

the school itself didn't actually work out for her, but we did have an amazing series of conversations about money/priorities/wealth distribution, and our points continue to be well taken. i can see it in the way she manages her allowance, and in the way she talks about wants vs. needs - modest requests at gift-giving occasions are usually entertained, but not always fulfilled, so i think she knows what's reasonable. she is still so young, but it's all quite encouraging.

We don't have christmas at all.

For birthdays, we try to do something fun, but we don't have gifts.