Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Daughter is PG...now what?

Hi Labmom! Welcome. The good news is that your DD is 10 -- that is young! Try not to beat yourself up about this. Most of us start out expecting that the schools should know what to do with our kids. The good is that you now know your kiddo has special educational needs.

I am so happy that you have found a better fit school and that your DD is happier. That is really great for now.

Try not to panic, too. I remember when we found out our DS was PG. We cried. We had heard stories about how difficult it would be to have a really out-there kid. But over time, we have found that it's really still just our same kid.

I think the best advice we got from the psychologist who tested our DS was that you need to be flexible in schooling, as you might find that a school situation that worked one year does not work the next. Also, if you possibly can consider it, homeschooling is a really great option, even if it's a backup option. We felt a whole lot better when we were looking at schools, and a lot less freaked out in meetings, when we knew that if the school didn't work out, it wasn't the last option -- we could homeschool and it would be fine. We never did homeschool, but having it as a possible option saved a lot of stress.

Re: perfectionism. Does your DD play an instrument or a sport or anything that requires practice to get better at? Piano and fencing were great for showing our DS that he really did need to practice to get better. Lots of perfectionists think that if they can't do something perfectly right away, which they are used to doing if they haven't been challenged, then they must not be very smart. Another related topic is to discuss Mindset a bit with your kiddo. I recommend reading Mindset by Carol Dweck - her research showed that if people have a closed mindset, they believe they can only learn so much and no more. If they have an open mindset, they believe that they can learn more and improve with effort.

I agree with Kcab on the activities, and second Destination Imagination and Lego League. Hopefully the school participates in those or similar. MY DS has done both for a few years and really enjoys them. He also enjoys the school's chess league.

Sorry for the complete randomness of my thoughts!

Thanks everyone for your insight. I am so lucky I found this forum! We've spent the last week just getting our feet back underneath us. So far so good at the new school. She loves it and they love her, it really is like seeing a whole new kid, hopefully it will last! Thanks to your suggestions I have lots of reading to do and resources to check out.

Someone asked if she took a musical instrument as that might help with the perfectionism. ACK.....this has been such a struggle for us, she loves music but has such a hard time when faced with anything she can not be "perfect" with. She took piano for a year, but I let her give it up for guitar. She is now at the point where the guitar is getting harder and she wants to give up. How do I help her through this? She is SO stubborn! I am a professional musician and I can't say I loved the art of practice, I love performing more, but knew I had to practice a lot if I wanted to perform, so I just did it. I think she has a real creative streak in her, but the mechanics are a trial for her. I don't want to push too hard right now with everything else that is going on, but I don't want her to quit either. Any ideas?

It's great news your DD is happy in the current school!

As for the music thing... There are others on this board that probably have better advice, but I'll tell you what we did. Our DS hated taking piano, from the beginning. We continued to make him go until he hit a moment where he could really notice that practicing made his piano playing better. (He ended up taking piano for about 4 years.) Then, when piano became more of a chore for me (getting him to practice, etc.), we let him choose between his sport and piano, both of which you need to practice to get better at. He chose his sport.

You may have a different perspective, being a musician yourself. Not sure if that helps or not in this situation! I guess my suggestion would be to not let her give up after a year of any one instrument or activity, and especially don't let her give up just when it's getting difficult. It seems that music learning comes in chunks, where you get over some level and then reach a new plateau, and it may take awhile again to get to the next level. If it were me, I'd say give guitar one more year at least. Hopefully others here will chime in with music advice.

That's what I'd say, too-- we also have a perfectionist who loathes practicing. It's always a work in progress, and yes, it also is a matter of nagging on some level, but it's too important for her to have a few things where effort is more or less proportional to results, and she is not "perfect."



Yes, initially your efforts to get a handle on perfectionism WILL increase your child's anxiety and stress. Think of it as a necessary, but unpleasant intervention like a vaccination or blood draw. Some things aren't negotiable because I'm Mom and I do have my child's best interests in mind-- longer term than she does, in a lot of cases. SHE is about whatever gets her what she wants (or wants out of) in the moment or immediate future.

By the way-- I meant to say this earlier:

Even if you now have a "label" to go with your child's ability and potential, do remember that you still have the same child that you've been parenting all along. She's the same child. You just have more information.

I'm not a professional musician, but I was very serious about music in high school and came *very* close to purusing it as a career. Music remains a passion in my life So when I had children, music lessons were important to me, and we started our gang out on piano first. I just mention that so you'll have an idea where I'm coming from

The thing I'd suggest looking into - try switching out teachers or methods of instruction - ie, finding a different type of music to learn. We kept our kids with the same piano teacher a long time - she was just right when they were young and a good fit for our family at the time. We had to switch teachers this year due to our previous teacher's schedule, and it was *the best thing* ever for my ds. He played well and he wanted to play, but his heart hadn't been into practicing - he would rather compose his own music or sit and experiment or avoid the piano altogether - anything rather than practicing his assigned work. When he did practice he liked to debate over and over what was the point to playing each song more than once per practice. And he had a bit of a point - he was being assigned easy songs (since he wasn't wanting to work at them) hence he didn't need to practice repeatedly. Vicious cycle that was suiting his own personal interests lol! His new teacher has a completely different teaching style and a completely different direction of instruction - she composes her own music, is more into new wave etc yet also places a lot of emphasis on scales/technique etc, she's giving him specific assignments on improvising, she's got her keyboard hooked up to the computer and uses it during their lessons - just very different than the previous teacher in approach - and she and my ds hit it off re personality match. The difference has been huge - he practices daily with enthusiasm now, and in return I'm happy to let him spend half his practice time (or extended practice time) on his own compositions.

For my dd's, one of my dd's just has a hard time sitting down and focusing for repeated practice (she has a bit of an issue with that on other things too - it's not just musical instruments). For her, I let her practice less time than the teacher asks for. I want her to keep taking lessons and learning, but I also don't want to burn her out. She is my child who, when she just plays and is relaxed about it, plays with the most feeling and seems to be a natural musician. She's not going to get into Julliard at her rate of practice and motivation, but if I stay mellow about it and just let her practice minimally as long as she's learning I am ok with her taking lessons - I see it a bit like I see signing a child up for a rec league in sports, things like that - if she was preparing to major in this or get a scholarship in it, she should practice - but if it's something that's simply fun and she enjoys, it's ok to be relaxed about the approach, take the classes but don't stress over practicing at home. The key is to look at it as giving her a hobby that she will be able to enjoy for her adult life. Does that make sense? I'll add a caveat - if I felt like she wasn't learning anything, I wouldn't keep sending her to lessons, and if she was matched with a teacher who was annoyed at her not-so-fast rate of progress, I'd find a different teacher.

My youngest dd is really into sports. She started piano when she was only 3 just because she wanted to do anything and everything that her older sibs did, but by the time she was in 2nd grade she was starting to feel like she was weighted down with too many activities in her schedule (note: *all* of her activities outside of piano were sports and were her choice and she didn't want to give any of the sports up!). I ultimately decided to let her drop piano lessons. I doubt she'll ever pick them back up, but it's been fun instead to see what she's done with her sports, and how they motivate her and excite her.

polarbear

EXACTLY the approach we've taken.

My DD is a late-intermediate student after 8 yrs, but this is because she practices just 15-35 minutes a day.