Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy deliberate self harm resources

does anyone have good resources for DSH, especially as related to perfectionism? something practical (CBTish?) would be amazing...

The SENG website (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted, www.sengifted.org) has an article which may be of interest. Underachievement in Exceptionally Gifted Adolescents and Young Adults: A Psychiatrist’s View - See the archived article at: https://web.archive.org/web/20160420110520/http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/underachievement-in-exceptionally-gifted-adolescents-and-young-adults-a-psychiatrist%E2%80%99s-view

Some interesting points which jumped out at me in a quick skim of the article included: deliberate self harm (DSH) as related to maladaptive conflict resolution... a feeling of guilt for the unfair advantage of giftedness... mastering created obstacles as more gratifying than effortless success.

If I understood correctly, subjects are said to be in denial or only vaguely aware. Clearly there is suffering. Possibly healing the underlying feelings dissipates DSH...? That is to say, from reading this I did not get the impression that addressing the DSH directly was largely successful? Perhaps the DSH is a symptom of the underlying cause?

There can also be profound connections between affective disorder, DSH, eating disorders, and socially prescribed perfectionism.

This is the subtype of perfectionism related to the belief that OTHERS have unrealistic standards for you, and that display of imperfections will lead to social rejection (often from those closest to them)-- its most distinctive calling card is self-handicapping.


Let me see what I can find for you that might prove helpful-- understanding, of course, that a lot of the interventions for this TYPE of perfectionism (and for DSH, for that matter) are aimed at older adolescents and young adults.

It's rare behavior in children.

Adaptive and Maladaptive Aspects of Self-Oriented versus Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

This is a great review article-- explains pretty explicitly why avoiding maladaptive perfectionism is crucial.

Perfectionism and Depression: Vulnerabilities Nurses Need to Understand

There are some concrete literature suggestions in that article which might be useful as self-help tools if this is related to perfectionism.

Yes, unfortunately this may be a pressure many gifted kids face in an average day at school. Gifted kids, like all kids, have the right to be wrong. They are human, after all.

I think doubtfulguest's daughter is in a magnificently supportive homeschool environment.

thank you so much, HK/indigo!

i'm going to start with these links for sure. i'm not massively worried about the adolescent/adult focus - she's so *freakishly* self-aware for 5 y/o. she literally said to me last night, "i do this because it takes the pain from my feelings and puts it into my body, and that is much easier to deal with." i asked her to do a thought experiment: to think about what it would be like if every time she was frustrated, some random kid came over and punched/bit her. y'all should have seen her face - it was like the sun came out - she really got it, and i think she's ready to tackle the problem.

and you're both SO right. school is exactly where this came from - she never had it until last year, and now that we're homeschooling and everything else is really falling into place, it's time to fix this. she is definitely no longer clinically depressed, and is loving having new material to master - we have many squeals of delight these days. however, she is really having trouble trusting that even though we have yet to find much to challenge her, i DO NOT EXPECT her to have the right answers - it's like her entire idea of learning got twisted around. she's not giving herself permission to think, much less fail - it's like she's seeing her whole life as one big test.

and aquinas... you are the sweetest of humans. thanks for that virtual hug!

A book which seems to understand perfectionism very well and which many find supportive is "What To Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough". Another book you might like is "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good". While insightful, these are written gently for kids, in a style that is fun and engaging.

thanks, indigo! i've ordered that first one. i have a book on perfectionism for helping my husband and i've used bits of it already with DD5, but one that's aimed at helping kids would be extra awesome.

Since suicide is the ultimate self-harm, I will mention a book published this year, "Suicide Among Gifted Children and Adolescents: Understanding the Suicidal Mind" by Tracy Cross. A few pages are available online at Amazon.

The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns is a great self help book for Anxiety and Depression. Outlines several CBT skills that can easily be incorporated into life, however it is not geared toward children so might have to be adapted.

thank you, Bostonian. i hadn't seen this book - i bet we could have used it last year, when DD was talking a lot about her wish to die. she has come a long, long way since then, but i will definitely be picking this up for reference and context.

you guys really are the most amazing support system. thank you, all.

doubtfulguest, I must thank you for sharing your 'random child' conversation. I used that on DS8 last night when he started smacking his head over a math problem. He threatened great vengeance on the random child until going wide eyed when he realized he was the random child! I hope it sticks. Thanks again.

this totally made my day, CoastalMom. i'm SO glad that little trick was useful for your son! i fully plan to remind DD of that "kid" as time goes on... i've got a phrase all ready to go: "oh! there's that random mean kid again - how about you tell her you don't need her right now?" i have no idea if it'll work, but at the very least, it'll probably get a laugh from DD...

PM me any time if you need an ear - this stuff is really hard.

I like that follow up, too! I hadn't thought of the head-smacking in terms of self harm before seeing this thread. One of my favourite things about this site are the 'oh that's what that is' moments. I'll be following up with the literature recommendations from other posters - thanks for starting the thread.

it took me a while, too - it was hard to separate what was simply an immature coping strategy from something that needs specific intervention, so i really hear you on that.

i was really hoping this behaviour would simply melt away, like all the other vestiges of last year's dreadful school experience (the depression/the anxiety/the suicidal thoughts) but it's the lone holdout. the light went on for me when DD articulated that she feels it's an effective strategy: so unless we find something to substitute for it... it's here to stay. (and that is NOT an option!)

I'm saving the "random child" thing for the next time it might come in handy!

When DS was 1, I could distract him from banging his head on the floor by pretending to bang his head on the floor for him and making big "boom" noises until he giggled. Now that he's 11, I can't just go over and bite his arm for him and make big chomping noises. Err...well...I haven't actually tried that, come to think of it -- it might be worth a try!

that is an amazing mental picture, Nautigal (om, nom, nom!)

let us know if the laughter response still works - maybe we're on to something here!

Have you considered chewing gum as a strategy? Many people self-medicate with snack foods and when older with drugs, alcohol, shopping, even sexual behavior but these may have devastating consequences.

Chewing gum, taking a walk, meditating, journaling, drawing, doodling, cartooning, even developing a fondness for a soothing cup of tea may be beneficial and healthy strategies to practice when working through an impasse or frustration.

I've heard of one family who had a table reserved for jigsaw puzzles. When faced with a mental block, stopping to fit a piece or two into place on a puzzle (often over conversation with a family member who would join them at the puzzle table) seemed to provide renewed insight.

Because developing the ability to self-soothe is so important, there are even humorous toys like stress balls made with foam, putty, or micro-beads.

For others, I've heard that looking at and thinking about their past successes... portfolios, awards, scrapbooks, collections... may provide a much-needed boost and new approaches to thinking about whatever it may be that has them momentarily stumped or stuck.

oooh, i like the putty idea! we can't do chewing gum because of all the headaches in the family (UGH) but putty is brilliant. i will try it for sure!