Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Discipline for The Strong Willed Gifted Child?

Welcoming ideas. School uses a clip chart and our ds often chooses to do things to get in trouble. He is bossy and token behavior rewards don't work. At home we can get him to comply mostly. He is often in trouble for talking, being bossy, and goofing off. These are most often his willful choice.

My husband and myself are both strong willed, but do well under those we respect. I understand my ds. The more he respects someone the better he complies. How can I encourage this when in boring classes with those he respects less? (Electives)

Our strategy on that is to do nothing. That's the school's problem, not ours. Our DD8's class also uses a clip chart, color coded, where red = parental notification. We've told her point blank that unless her behavior reaches that level, it's between her and her teacher, and has nothing to do with us.

Talking, being bossy, and goofing off don't sound like red-level behaviors, unless of course the teacher has to deal with it too frequently in one day.

Now, if we were having this issue, and the teacher complained to us, we'd be happy to explain to the teacher how she's reacting this way due to boredom, and use that as a launchpad to advocacy for a more appropriate education.

We don't have this issue, because our DD is the polar opposite, a behavioral perfectionist, and so we're instead encouraging a bit of harmless mischief as a way to safely vent some stress and enjoy her day a little bit.

@Dude - thanks! We have many issues with the teacher this year.
However I don't hear about it all the time. Usually when he just has too many issues in one day.

We will be advocating switching DS from Art to another teachers class that hour. If he is horrible in art and bored teach him Spanish - that's what he wants to learn. That should tell them something that a 5 year old wants to learns Spanish!

We tend to approach this as an underlying two-fold problem with my DD, who has a nasty tendency toward passive resistance and even manipulative or passive-aggressive insubordination when she is not feeling like compliance.

She's impervious to operant conditioning methodology, incidentally, as we've learned to our peril over the years. We offer her perks because she's a great kid and we love her-- sometimes we'll offer them as "bonuses" for doing something exceptionally challenging for her.

But we NEVER use sticker charts or behavioral charts. Wow, is THAT ever a road to hell with this particular child.

Anyway.

Two-fold issue:

a) why is there not sufficient respect for a particular individual? It may be that I happen to agree with my daughter's assessment there, but it's equally possible that I wind up thinking that she is basing her opinion on immature factors. I don't really know whether or not her opinion is valid in a more or less objective sense until I talk it over with her. Sometimes that leads to--

b) offering respect even when we don't WANT to behave in compliant ways. Sometimes you aren't in a position to seize autonomy for yourself, and really-- it's a good thing. At that point, then, one has to learn to be reasonably graceful about tolerating situations that we'd rather not find ourselves in, and thereby limiting just HOW unpleasant they are for ourselves and everyone else involved.


My DH and I are both very strong-willed individuals, too. This helps, because we know where DD is coming from with this stuff. On the other hand, it also means that she has a genetic double-dose of "Oh yeah?? YOU CAN'T MAKE ME..."



Rational discussion, but with the clear boundary condition that as parents, we DO ultimately have veto power over her desire for autonomy over her entire life at this point in time. We listen, but we may not always agree with her, in other words.

Sticker and stoplight charts were a miserable failure for teachers who tried them with DS last year. My strong suspicion is that they were merely guidelines that he used to determine what he could get away with or whether the punishment was enough to change what he wanted to do... not exactly the intended result.

We had more success appealing to his desire to fit in, be respected by others not only for knowing the answer, but for following classroom rules so that others could also learn, so the teacher appreciated all the good things about him instead of being frustrated all day, etc. We acknowledged that some things were indeed repetitive and B.O.R.I.N.G., and told him we were working to try to improve that, but that if he didn't follow classroom rules, he might be stuck because the teachers wouldn't believe he could do more if he was constantly goofing around.

It worked, even in a bad school environment, but we were very much working to get him the heck out of there, too.

LOL omgosh I think we have the same kid (although yours it quite a bit more gifted than mine).

DD10 makes me kind of nuts (as far as discipline is concerned). DS9, on the other hand, is very easy. Direct consequences (removal of privileges) works like a charm.

DD10, on the other hand, will take whatever consequence I hand out, and with the attitudinal version of the middle finger, continue to repeat the behaviour that earned the consequence. She is the epitome of recalcitrance and stubbornness.

sigh.

I don't really have any good advice for you - we've been lucky (I suppose lol!) that our strong-willed child's behavioral stubbornness surfaces only at home lol. FWIW, only one of the teachers my kids had in early elementary used sticker-type charts for behavior and honestly, it seemed destined to be a total disaster for almost all the kids!

There is one thing I would suggest though -


I realize he's young and empathize with being stuck in a class he doesn't like, but fwiw, I woudn't pull him from art, for a number of reasons. First, I think there is value in sending our children to art even when they aren't good at it and/or don't like it. Good reasons both from an education point of view and also from the point of view of teaching our kids that we don't get to pick and choose how we spend every minute of our day. If he loves Spanish and wants to learn more Spanish, find ways to add in more Spanish, but not at the expense of saying "hey, you don't have to do something else that's part of the day just because you don't like it." Please note, I'm guessing here that art is something all the kids in his class go to - if it's not, and all the kids have the option of choosing either art or Spanish or something else, that's ok to switch! I just think that if the full class has art as part of their schedule, I would continue to send him to art and I'd encourage him to be respectful and I would share with him things I would find valuable about the experience.

polarbear

I deal with it by telling my DS (1st grade) that if I don't want to hear from his school in any capacity except a pat on the back, or a newsletter, or a scheduled parent teacher conference.

I told him that if I do, then I will stand behind the school in their disciplinary procedure-- and depending on the seriousness, he may see more trouble at home.

I know it sounds authoritarian, but my DS is a "strong willed" child, and he has to 100% believe that acting up at school is a bad option (he'll still play the odds at 99%!).

On the positive, we spend time talking about what's right and personal accountability.

Inclined to agree. Art is what? Once a week? Unless the Choice is art or Spanish sending him the message he can opt out of things he doesn't like could cause problems. If he has art skills on a gifted level that is different and he needs more advanced stuff but not just because he would prefer to be doing something else.

To all thank you. He today ended up in the principals office. He was bored in music and they also use the clip chart. With each clip down he continued to willfully disobey. He spent recess with the principal.

He has lost privileges and I make him write apologizes. I understand he has the right to chose his behavior - however he needs to know its rude. We are being very firm but very calm. Getting angry leads to anger issues on his part and more defiance.

Yet I know he has the clip chart figured out and what punishment is eminent. What consequence will he hate enough to comply? He knows the punishment and looks right at it and keeps going with a vengeance.

I was more compliment in school. However when we moved to a small rural community in HS I started to goof off and conjure mischevious pranks. That's what happens when school is unchallenging and you have too much time - you can think of more interesting things to do! Which gives me an idea that might help him comply....

I agree, removal from Art will not help. Keeping posting ideas!