Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Have you told your child about their test results?

ITA blackcat And of course, "much better" is so open to personal interpretation!

pbear

I think it's possible to explain giftedness, the concept of being a fast learner, etc without going overboard with "Oh, you're so smart!!!" all the time. That is, you can tell your child he/she has a high IQ without constantly praising for intelligence in isolation from effort, which is what the Dweck/NurtureShock findings are about, IIRC.

And again, I do think you don't want to go too far the other way and make the whole thing super hush-hush, like The Subject Which Cannot Be Named.

I think it's a common mistake to use mindset theory to argue against acknowledging giftedness (because if you tell them they're smart they'll be scared to take risks and not value effort). But NOT acknowledging and accommodating giftedness has equal (or greater!) potential for causing "mindset" issues. The answer, in my mind, is to identify, accommodate needs (ensure that the child needs to actually make an effort so there is some effort to experience and praise!) and also to choose words wisely and based on your own situation. We have no gifted program so can avoid the word, for us it's about "thinking differently" "learning differently/faster" etc.

DS is 6 and has no context for IQ, so we have not shared numbers, nor do I plan to share them... although the range will come up, I'd imagine at some point, especially if we take advantage of some of the DYS programs or other such opportunities.

The second part of this thread hits home for me, for two reasons:

(1) Being way ahead of classmates, I was always a bit confused/frustrated when I was young and DS certainly has that side. (I should say had that side, as our conversations have led him to be more understanding of those differences. For example, just before 2 he would often plead with his age-mates to "stop talking like babies and talk like 2 y.o.s!" This endeared us to other parents.) Talking about how he learns more quickly, remembers things with little effort, etc. has been our approach and is concrete enough for him to understand.

(2) Although the school has no gifted program, when assessing DS they have been very open with him about his abilities, in ways I would not have been. (For instance, he was told after an out-of -level math assessment in K that he had performed better than all the 3rd graders and all but 4 of the fourth graders. I was upset they'd told him. He took it in stride. Knowing the tests had been to help find a better fit, as he'd been going to 1st for math and that wasn't enough of a challenge, he said something about how now we knew that at least 4th grade was where he needed to be.

I've been struggling with why there Is a stigma in talking about academic ability, especially as I notice my own desire to be discrete and, also, see how the lack of openness contributes to the lack of resources on our area. (How can the district openly discuss the need, if the system doesn't acknowledge outliers?)

Athletics are treated differently --for instance the freshman who goes all-state and is a hero in his community. Or my son, if he'd been able to run faster than all the fourth graders, would it have made me uncomfortable if someone had told him that directly? I'd expect if he could run fast or jump really high, a teacher upon discovering that might say to the whole class, "Watch this! I've never seen a 6 y.o. jump this high! Do it again! Can you go any higher?" If only genuine ability, no matter the area, could excite everyone in such pure ways. But it isn't received that way, and so I am more cautious.

As much as I want teachers to know, I downplay it to everyone else... including him. (Need to find the right balance.) Interestingly, DS' peers perceive his gifts with enthusiasm -- aware of his differences and excited for him in an innocent way. It's the parents' responses to their own children's observations that are more mixed... and that worry me. When I imagine the next few years, I want him to be aware of his intellectual strengths and to develop strength of character to match.

Now that I see it in print -- that's more than I realized I had to say.

And, Gail, just read your post -- well done! Sums up many of the things we've tried to cover with DS, even down to the commenter who speaks from a similar faith perspective.

GailP-
Thanks for your link. It is worded very simply and honest. I think this will be quite helpful in talking to my ds6.

To me, the difference is what you're communicating when you tell a kid, "You're so smart!"

- "You know a lot of things." - When a child confuses high ability with knowing things, anytime they run into a challenge, they decide they're a fraud.

- "You learn very quickly." - This message is about potential skills, not acquired skills, and as such teaches a child that they have the ability to excel... if they put in the effort.

One is a healthy message, and one is not. The first child will wilt on discovering a challenge, where the second will be fortified to persevere, confident that they can rise to the challenge.

Yes, this about the enthusiasm and innocence of children.

When my son learned four weeks into school we were going to place him from third to 4th, starting the next day, it was a bit overwhelming to him. I drove him into school and walked him in that day (we usually drop off without parent getting out) to hand him over to the guidance counselor to facilitate the move. As we were waiting for the gait to open, DS told one of his classmates that we ran into. The classmate said with great big bug eyes, "Wow!" Pause as he processed it. Then said, "That will be good for you!" The other kids know and they don't need an IQ score to know. Six words said it all and were just the right words for my ds to hear.

It seems like I am an outlier here. But I am going out on a limb here.

I probably need to explain. Have anyone told your kids about how much money you make? Most likely not. Then, how could you explain how important the hard work and education is? Last year, my DD then 8 asked how much I make and I answered it. Now, she is mature like a typical teenager. It was a teaching point as well and I explained about what profession makes about how much and stressed that she has to like what she would be doing. And that was for her information only and she should not be sharing with anyone unless necessary. And she didn't.

She did NNAT at 5 and OLSAT at 8 at different schools for admission to gifted program and she was aware of it that she is gifted (she asked me what is gifted last year and I explained including bell curve and SD although I gave her SD only).

This summer, she did WISC IV to qualify for DYS. Before application, I aksed her opinion on joining DYS and she asked her result. I gave her the result and she said "cool". I know she won't brag about it among her friends. I explained to her that having high IQ is like having big muscle. If you practice, you could become olympic weight lifter. If you don't, it will be useless (she argued she may be able to work for moving company and command the pay of two persons instead of one :-)

High IQ is innate ability. We celebrate achievement (positive reinforcement) at our house and not IQ. I do not go around announcing others but we do have her awards hanging in our study (just like people displayed their sports trophy). But we do put them away when we have some visitors (you know what kind of people I am talking about).

I believe it is OK to let the kids know especially if they are mature enough. It hasn't changed my DD. If anything, she is more tolerant and understanding when kids in her class slow to completing their tasks.

^ +1 Love this.