Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion New here and looking for insight and help

Hi all,

I'm new here and have been reading lots of post discussions in various areas of the board. Sorry this is so long, but I am at a loss in so many areas.

I have 3 little ones DD7, DD3, DS1. For a few years now I have known my DD7 was different. I often times considered her to be very demanding, intense, and independent to name a few. As a baby she was very observant and content. Once she began walking it was "down hill" from there. By age 3 we were up in arms on how to handle her. She was smart of course but we didn't realize how smart she was in comparison as we thought things she knew were normal for her age. She is very social and loves to be around people young and old.
Her birthday is the cut off and we were told by Pre-K teachers that although intellectually she was ready for K she is petite and may suffer socially as she is also a little immature. They advised we hold her for K and start her at 5/6. We thought that was a good choice and did so as we thought she was a little immature as well and another year she may outgrow it. She didn't. The year was awful for us. She remained in Pre-k and was helping the teacher teach the other students. We began to see some minor behavioral issues at school and minor ones at home. During this time we discovered she had environmental allergies as well as a dairy intolerance and *possible* gluten intolerance. I say possible because we cut out gluten for the year and her behavior got better but I have just learned of reactive hypoglycemia and wonder if that was the fix as many things with gluten are carbs or sugar. We had her tested for celiac disease and it was negative which raises more question on reactive hypoglycemia.
K went ok but she was bored and knew the entire curriculum. It was then we discovered she was reading at at least a 2nd grade level and 3rd by May of this yr. Now we just entered 1st grade and are experiencing "major behavioral issues" according to the teacher. I spoke with the teacher, counselors, asst. principal, principal and most recently director of gifted program in the school board. The teacher says she is giving DD7 challenging work which, I do see the challenge hw but question the classroom work being there are behavior issues going on. All have told me they won't test her until 4th grade or put her in gifted until 4th. DD7 often complains of being bored and waiting for other kids to finish their work. She says some of the work is for babies or K and 1st graders. Which I found a little humorous and raised questions that she didn't group herself with 1st grade as she is one. She is breezing through the challenge hw and at times will get upset that I make her study because she says she knows the work. I quiz her to ensure she does know the work in case she fails the test. She has failed 3 math tests despite knowing the work. The last one she grouped the math problems together in order of numbers (i.e looked for all the 2+1's, then 2+2's etc) instead of doing the work as directed. She knew the answers as DH and I quizzed her the night before. She does the work in her head and despises having to write it out. She is getting sloppy with her work and often time complains of the repetitiveness of it all.
We have a meeting this week with the teacher and counselors which I am sure will be repetitive in that DD7 is being challenged in the classroom, she refuses to do work, talks too much, gets up often, etc. And nothing will be accomplished.
DD7 has not been identified yet as we are looking into it. I am considering pulling her from the school if needed but don't know where to go from there as far as homeschool goes. Such as a school, a curriculum, etc.

The other issue we are facing worse this year is friends. For the past few years we have noticed that DD7 doesn't get invited to neighborhood Bday parties. The neighborhood kids sometimes tease or bully her, leave her out. Sometimes I understand why since DD7 can be emotionally immature or wants to play with them but also be in her own little world.
I know something is off and she is different than other children. At times she fits the PG traits and at others she doesn't. She mainly doesn't fit due to her emotional immaturity. But then when at summer camp she didn't play with any of the kids because she said the teacher was more fun to be around. I'm so confused on what to do, how to handle it all and what to say to her. Sometimes she has a meltdown about friends or situations and other times she doesn't seem to be phased.
We are bringing to experience the same intensity issues with our DD3 that we did with DD7 except DD3 is much more sensitive. DS1 is also very intense, doesn't need much sleep and barely naps. He has been this way since birth. DH and I feel exhausted and overwhelmed as all of this just been discovered. It feels good to know we are not crazy and have "bad or difficult children" as others have suggested.
Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far. Any suggestions and help would be appreciated!

Bumping so that this doesn't get lost.



I'd say that you're probably on the right track. Time to find out what is under the ill fit with schooling-- many of your DD's characteristics fit either HG+, or maybe MG and ASD. Those can be very hard to tease apart in girls in particular.

Welcome. I'm fairly new as well, and our DD has many of the same characteristics. We requested that she be given the CoGAT in Kindergarten. It was finally given in late Kindergarten. Over the summer we saw a child psychologist and DD was given the Wisc-IV.
Visiting the child psychologist was the best thing we ever did because:
1-An unbiased professional opinion went a long way with my husband.
2-It was helpful to get additional insight about emotional intensity and how it relates to what she experiences.
3-It has helped us a parents better understand asynchronous development issues.
4-Having the test results are helpful. Depends on the school district and players involved as to how helpful they allow the scores to be, but that is a subject for another day.

Good luck!
Are there any SENG parent groups in your area? Or, parent group through the school district for parents of kids in the Talented and Gifted program?

Welcome! Many of us have been through similar frustrations with the schools. Are you familiar with your school's and district's policies on acceleration and gifted? Our state requires that every district have such policies in place, for example. I agree that there should be some testing to figure out why the school fit is so bad. It could be that she just needs to be accelerated a grade for a better fit, or something else could be at play. Think about whether you want to have the school psychologist do testing. There are benefits to having a psychologist familiar with GT or 2E do testing, but of course that costs money (unless your insurance will cover it).

ETA: Are there other school options nearby? It's always helpful to be aware of other options, including homeschool if that is something your family could swing.

It sounds like school may be difficult to work with as they've taken quite a stance. I did get more from our school when I showed test results we had obtained privately. If you can afford the testing, that might help. Cost varies among areas but an IQ and achievement test can go a long way to illustrate what the problem is and how severe it is. Lots of good reading at www.hoagiesgifted.com if you haven't been there yet. I recommend reading about levels of gifted and about testing often used.

I have a DS who is about to turn 7 and we have just made the transition to home schooling. Surprisingly it is so much easier than I thought. Learning has never been our problem but teaching methods and insistence on keeping him with his young agemates has been toxic.

You are in a great place here on this board to explore all your questions and options. The wisdom and experience represented here is staggering. I hope you soon began to have more solutions than problems.

Drop the emotionally immature label. It assumes if you wait she may become more like people expect whereas it is more likely given her other traits that it is part of her personality. She will need to be helped deal with it but don't tell her she is somehow at fault for not being able to "grow up". I am sorry you got such poor advice from the preschool. I suggest getting her tested if you can manage it and take it from there.

Have you looked into the articles on the Davidson database regarding homeschool?
some links -
Davidson database: http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/
Davidson database, search for homeschool showed 157 results! Lots of resources.
You might also search online for gifted homeschoolers forum and HSLDA homeschool laws.
Online public school which you oversee in your home is not homeschooling per se, it is public school.

Lots of great advice and information here -
http://www.greatpotentialpress.com/a-parents-guide-to-gifted-children

You may wish to talk with her sometime about her observations on being different, precocious, finding other kids less interesting than adults, and anything else she comes up with. May want to plan to have her tested, possibly putting things in the context of looking for other children like her that she may find fun and interesting to be around and who will "get" her. You might explain that first you have to find out what kind of kid she is, so you can look for others who are like her.

Hi - Relatively new myself, but wanted to lend support, as we can relate to much of what you have shared. DD8 is bright, incredibly intense, exhausting at times , an independent thinker, and young for her grade. Despite being young for her grade, we also struggle to keep her challenged in school, and our school's gifted program doesn't start until this year (Gr. 3)...currently seems like the process is taking forever.

One of my DD's former teachers called her "immature" in some ways (while also admitting she was one of the brightest students in the grade), and although I understand what she was describing, the teacher seemed quite unfamiliar with asynchronous development. I have found quite a bit of literature on this, though, and I knew that this was at least part of what she was describing. Forums like this one and SENG are extremely helpful.

DD often comes off as "bossy" to other children, although she is starting to get better. Her incredible enthusiasm and big ideas draw kids to her, but then she wants to "manage" the play. Some of this seems to be improving with maturity and our constant coaching. There is hope. This year, DD came home and announced she was elected to Student Council!

This sounds very similar to what DS went through in public school. Kindergarten was fine (he had an amazing teacher), but first and second grades were progressively worse. He knew all the material and then some, but would still fail the timed math tests. His work, when he was willing to do it, became sloppier. It was thankfully(?) because of his increasingly disruptive behavior that the school was willing to do a comprehensive evaluation, and his giftedness was confirmed.

After the school realized what they were up against, they were more willing to make accommodations. But it was too little, too late. They tried some subject acceleration, but they didn't give him the support he needed to catch up and not freak out at suddenly not knowing all the answers. There was talk of grade acceleration, but that didn't pan out.

Ultimately, we wound up pulling him out of school before the end of 2nd grade, and we're now on our first year of homeschooling. Life has gotten so much better.

DS is also on a GF diet, which seems to make a bit of a difference in his frustrations. We tried a dairy-free diet for about a week, but that proved to be too frustrating for DS.

One recommendation is to find a gifted group in your area, so you and your daughter can start meeting similar kids. DS had very few friends in school (most of the kids just thought he was weird and avoided him). The kids we see now on a regular basis are not only more similar to DS, but also much more tolerant of his quirks and interests.

Asking the school for a comprehensive evaluation also helped us a lot. We had gone to a local expert in gifted kids, who recommended we do that first, rather than spend thousands of dollars on his office. Definitely good advice! We knew we had a smart kid on our hands, we just didn't know how smart. The recommendation is to make the request in writing, although I don't know what the laws in your state are like (we are in California).

There are a number of books out there that might help you figure out what's going on. Some that helped us were "Raising Your Spirited Child" (which I read long before I realized DS was gifted) and "Living with Intensity."

One teensy PSA here about celiac and GF diets:

You generally have to be eating gluten regularly to be accurately tested (and certainly to be tested non-invasively) for celiac. If you are gluten-free, you may test falsely negative, as antibody levels will fall fairly rapidly.

Please, please, please-- if you suspect celiac, DO NOT try a GF diet without getting a diagnosis first. It's really important to be monitored for certain sequelae if you have Celiac Disease.

There. PSA complete.